Dear "Looking for My Michelle Obama"

 I was out with a guy friend several weeks ago and he mentioned to me (like several other guys I’ve seen say on Facebook, or say in passing) – “I need a Michelle Obama.” And to this day, I have to admit that it strikes a nerve for me for several different reasons.

After several interactions of the like and conversations with a diverse set of women - men have become some of the most complicated creatures walking these streets. “Why would you say this Anne?” you may be wondering or “Silly girl, men are simple!” you may say at this statement but to sum it up a LOT of guys fall into the following category:

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and waddles like a duck – it is…

A man! 

[And you were just a byproduct of the whimsical ways of his egotistical need to feel special and be cuddled.]

If it moves like a boat, sounds like a boat, and looks like a boat – it is

A marine vehicle that happens to be on the water at the time you are looking at it. 

[Because the “situation” calls for raising anchor at ANY time leaving you high & dry]

*situation as stated here, is inclusive of girlfriends, baby mamas, and still fresh love scars*

To speak to the duck analogy, too many guys (and the women who allow them to and accept the fakery) are extremely content with calling you everyday, seeing you frequently enough, and bedding you but NOT BEING THE BOYFRIEND. We’ve ALL experienced the “I’m not looking for a relationship – yet I act like that with you all the time, but can’t commit because I wanna have some slides on the side” phenomenon.

The boat analogy represents just how they get you – under the guise of technicalities. Since when was TIME reduced to a technicality?? Nowadays though as a woman – you genuinely can’t call it how you SEE it. Guys have mastered the art of not being held accountable for their actions since if they TELL you something else you should just go by what they SAY NOT what they DO!

But for ALL the men who CLAIM to be looking for their FLOTUS’ there are some seemingly known facts to us women that it may behoove you to learn so that you understand the gravity of what you’re SAYING. Especially since we women can’t go based off what you do right? And especially because I know PLENTY of strong, career-oriented women with standards – who are SINGLE and could rock plenty worlds IF that was TRULY what males were seeking. So, here are some facts.

1. When Barack met Michelle at Sidney Austin Law Firm, SHE was his SUPERIOR. Meaning she was his boss…and he’s been known to admit plenty of times that Michelle runs it in the house (“he doesn’t like to hang up his socks” << lol).

*MEN if you SAY you want a Michelle Obama please, and I mean PLEASE don’t get with/stay with a girl you KNOW isn’t running anything/doing anything major/serious with her life…in other words don’t expect a champagne miss on an Old E budget with your broad. Of course this is assuming YOU have set high standards for yourself and are professionally working on something great and WANT a badass lady holding you down…if you want the “Lay Down” woman that’s okay too – just truthfully acknowledge what you want.

2. Michelle refused Barack even a chance at getting at her and dismissed him in the “friend zone” at first. Everything he tried didn’t work, but he was PERSISTENT. It used to be that men liked the “thrill of the chase” and “the challenge”…in these times it’s exactly the opposite on appearance. Easy girls get the attention >the penis> and ultimately the package deal b/c it’s EASY.

*MEN if you SAY you want a Michelle Obama just be AWARE that you will HAVE TO WORK TO GET HER. Think about it, if I had a dollar for EVERY time a guy told me he “liked me” without any proof and went on to become a Houdini I would have at least a Ben Franklin in my wallet right now. Words aren’t enough b/c you guys say one thing and do another too much to be held simply at your word by any woman who has the privilege of having common sense. An educated, business-minded woman is definitely NOT just falling for the okey-doke and already has her wall in place. Don’t believe me: watch this brief video on the first couple’s firstdate.

 

3. Barack had to pass a few “standardized tests” to get in good. In this case I’m talking about the MAR test. Yes I’ve created this term because guys although you may not know this, educated women with standards have their ways of MEASURING your success and I call it the Manhood Achievement Ratio. Everyone’s MAR is different. Michelle has brothers and her father was able to set the MAR test based on Barack’s playing on the court with her brother.

But I can tell you that on most lady’s MARs the following is almost a given: OPENING doors (not just trying to hold the damn door AFTER I’ve already pulled it b/c you didn’t THINK you had to do that); the QUALITY of the first date (and if you paid); your testosterone-induced capabilities (the manly stuff) aka the sugar-in-the-tank-o-meter (less is DEFINITELY more!); and how you feel about/treat your mother/sisters/family. The MAR is a standardized way to tell where you’re at in the spectrum and Michelle was ready to dismiss if Barack didn’t pass muster. Check out Obama’s Test. 

*MEN is you SAY you want a Michelle Obama you WILL BE TESTED. I’m not saying you will have to sit down and fill in a bubble sheet, but just know that your actions are being scrutinized through that MAR filter of ours…Did you walk her home or to a safe locale after the date? Were you genuinely interested in HER or are you just trying to get the draws? Women like Michelle KNOW the difference and VERY quickly so I suggest if you’re used to acting like a duck and being a man you find some congruence in what you say and how you act because she’s watching.

Lastly, I think I have to sum all this up by saying there are a TON of educated, strong women out there who are very capable of loving and want to be a First Lady to a Leading Man. But where are these leading men?? I’ve had the pleasure of attending an Ivy League school and I know that there is a population of men who don’t want the type of woman Michelle is – she’s a BAWSE and she RUNS IT. But it isn’t like she doesn’t HOLD HIM DOWN. When you watch FLOTUS on Leno you see it (and there are countless examples out there).

Barack KNEW he WANTED that and he WENT AFTER IT. It’s so easy to say “I want this” or “I’m looking for that” and point to an example of what it is without WORKING FOR IT. Work is never painless and you have to know thyself to really demand certain things with authenticity. So to all those guys who SAY they want a Michelle. Are you a Barack???

An Addendum to Above: Quotes from POTUS About His First Lady

"It is important that when I'm home to make sure that I'm present and I still forget stuff. As Michelle likes to say, 'You are a good man, but you are still a man.' I leave my socks around. I'll hang my pants on the door. I leave newspapers laying around. But she lets me know when I'm not acting right. After 14 years, she's trained me reasonably well."

"What I realize as I get older is that Michelle is less concerned about me giving her flowers than she is that "I’m doing things that are hard for me -- carving out time. That to her is proof, evidence that I'm thinking about her. She appreciates the flowers, but to her romance is that I'm actually paying attention to things that she cares about, and time is always an important factor."

Source: Lynn Norment, Ebony, "The Hottest Couple in America", February 2007, pages 52-54

ac·count·abil·i·ty (noun \ə-ˌkau̇n-tə-ˈbi-lə-tē\)

I’d like to think that as many people as I hang out with and for all the stories I hear from them or their friends about the grand tumult that can be life – there are trends. Just like my past experiences helped me realize that social maturity was lacking in way too many grown ass people, these rough economic times have indeed made an indelible mark of the social fabric of our time.

What the fuck happened to ACCOUNTABILITY? Now if you notice I try hard not to use directly profane language on my blog b/c there’s usually some other euphemism that can go in its place. But I’m just about tired of this ol’ mess of a world we’re living in – and again GROWN ASS people NOT being able to do what being grown requires: ACTING GROWN. Now I get that expectations have had to be severely cut back – as in I have VERY FEW in people but I’m going to need more ADULTS to act like they got some dang sense. Like a LITTLE.

Now let’s define this word…this accountability of which I am about to speak

ac·count·abil·i·ty (noun \ə-ˌkau̇n-tə-ˈbi-lə-tē\)
An obligation or willingness to accept responsibility for one’s actions

Now let’s peel this word back by just one more layer and get to a simpler more relatable part of speech for those who aren’t into nouns and their overarching ways of not fully describing people at their most incompetent

ac·count·able  adj \ə-ˈkau̇n-tə-bəl\

Explicable; understandable

I don’t get for the life of me, why more and more people think that they don’t have to have some valid explanation (that is understandable) for the foolywang-ass behavior they exhibit after YOU have put your neck out on the line for them.

Now being the go hard that I am, I know that this is an area I don’t really have a problem with. Because of some old moral code written by mmm.. I don’t know…JESUS?! I actually treat other people how I want to be treated. But I also have no problem admitting when I’m wrong or when I have messed up.

But nah…there are too many people walking these streets acting like they don’t have to be accountable. I mean I’m a stickler for holding people accountable but many people aren’t as assertive or easily annoyed by the fact that this is becoming more prevalent with each passing day.And THEY SHOULD BE. All the stories I hear, the things I live through if more ppl just said something this feeling of BEING HAD wouldn't be AS prevalent.

Maybe the extreme heat is the cause. The temperatures could be frying all the decency-inducing brain cells people have. Maybe more people DON’T have simple moral ethical fibers than those who do. Or perhaps people just walk around not giving a fuck because they KNOW they can. In any case these are the top areas that I have observed this egregious problem from what word on the street and my own experiences.

#1. MONEY

Now you know this was going to be at the top. If you KNOW you OWE someone money DO NOT be caught: as in bragging on FB, TELLING YOUR LENDER your blowing money fast in the club, at the bar, at dinner. Times are HARD. If anyone is generous enough to lend you something be thankful, be appreciative.

If you don’t have it set up an arrangement. I’m not a bill collector but don’t MAKE ME CHASE YOU for what was MINE to begin with. Tell a sista/brother the situation. Give a date. Show good faith that I should BELIEVE you and not cut your trifling ass off. Think about it – how can you explain doing all the things you’re doing while your lender calculates the costs (usually EXCEEDING what was owed) of your gallivanting the damn streets?? Makes me want to get like Stewie with a crow-bar and a blow torch up in this bitch f’real..b/c while I’ve heard the saying “never out out what you’re not ready to lose” the onus is STILL on the borrower cuz trust don’t NOBODY’S credit card company, bank, cell phone provider or ANYONE OFFICIAL fi’n to hear dat shit. They’re cutting off service, suspending a card, withdrawing more fees. Act with some respect towards ppl trying to help you out and treat them with some sort of regard.

#2. WHAT YOU SAY

In my honest opinion you are NOTHING if you don’t keep your word. I’m not saying things don’t come up and schedules have to be changed. I’m not talking about that stuff. I’m talking about the people who say things like “I got you with that $$ tomorrow!”……..2 weeks have passed and you still haven’t heard nary a word from that same person. I pledged and although there are more than quite a few people who think I was/am crazy for doing so – one of the most important lessons I learned is that YOUR WORD is YOUR BOND.

I don’t need to “swear to God” or “swear on my dead relative” as others have to do b/c if I said I would be at something, unless I let you know otherwise, I WILL be there. And if I say something out my mouth you should be able to take me at my word. Period.

This accountability item also goes for people who talk shit. You see what I’ve learned is that if the Bible talks about a body part or organ in depth – it’s a VERY powerful thing. The tongue and mouth are windows into someone’s heart. It can destroy people (as we see with tabloids and press) or make people (as we see with tabloids and press). There are many hypocrites out in these streets, pachangas, and the like. So I’m going to use this moment to shed some light on the Good Book’s teachings about watching your mouth.

The tongue of the righteous is [as] choice silver: The heart of the wicked is little worth. ~Proverbs 10:20

And the tongue is a fire: the world of iniquity among our members is the tongue, which defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the wheel of nature, and is set on fire by hell.~ James 3:6

I could go on but don’t be surprised when certain go hards call you on your word, what you’ve said and how your actions have either matched up with that, or haven’t. Cuz it’s ridiculous how many ppl really can’t explain or justify what they’ve once said especially in negative regard with actual proof…The last true word on this: 

Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." ~Matthew 5:37

#3. YOUR ACTIONS

I am so sick of grown ass ppl making excuses for their altogether unexplainable/unfathomable actions. Now obviously this area is rife with examples I can spit off that will never really make sense like cheating on a decent significant other, pathological lying, and the like. I mean some things will not ever make logical sense to an educated person. But, what I’m getting at here though is more about being responsible for those things you KNOW YOU NEED TO DO – that in one way or another may require the assistance of another person/people. Because what happens in these cases is that TIME, one of the most undervalued and under-respected things - gets wasted and someone feels shafted.

If you KNOW someone is helping you do ANYTHING that requires effort on THEIR and YOUR part you better damn well get your ass PREPARED. How do you explain not being ready and making someone else late when they are picking you up to drive yo ass somewhere NICE? Trust when Blanquitos are involved in something nice you BETTER be there EARLY (read on time for CPT folks). You can’t. How do you explain not doing any work to prepare for a move yet your friend/fam/the Mexicans are at your doorstep READY TO GO? You can’t.

I was in DC recently and this African woman was HYSTERICAL I mean crying, yelling, sobbing cuz she missed her bus (since she wasn’t paying attention) to NYC for her 6pm flight to Morocco. Ladies and gents the bus she missed was 12 noon. WHAT FLIGHT WERE YOU CATCHING? Airlines don’t play this shit anymore with this whole gate closing/boarding over at LEAST 1 hour before. She wasn’t accountable for her part in running on CPT since getting to the city also meant she had to get a cab to JFK from there and STILL check in. As I told her “Ms. I understand you’re upset but you just need to call them now and let them know you’re not making it. You should have gone to NYC yesterday.” <--that btw was an example of an accountability check: simple, without malice, just the truth.com - yesterday would have you at the airport on time sis)

[Oh and one of my favorite accountability checks from the opposite sex: "I like you so much Anne" Really?? Or is just that I had my good bra on tonight and you saw something else you liked? Well when's the last time you actually dialed that number of mine that's in your phone? "Oh let me see if you have it..You DO!" --nothing like calling a spade a spade because invariably the phone call never comes through for all the "liking" guys profess to do in these streets...]

People love making excuses but when those excuses cost other people their time it shows that you, in your lack of justifiable reason don’t give a fuck. Plain. Simple. Or that you think the heavens will part for you and provide some miracle that defies al sense of traffic (like African Aunty), logic, and time. Everyone is “busy, tired, working, hustling” whatever you have to say everyone can lay claim to doing it. Truth is though not VERY many ppl do ALL THAT MUCH in a given day. Gimme a break. Although this is to be said about black ppl in general (don’t worry post is forthcoming on that) PLANNING is another VERY under-rated thing that if you don’t do it, says  A LOT about how YOU value other’s time.

So the next time you're out there wondering why no one will help you, lend you money, or deal with your trifling ass - sit down. Take a minute and think about how explainable or ac·count·able YOU WERE to the person you're looking to for assistance.

If you're on the other end, you too should sit down. And take a mental survey of the last time you held whoever is bothering you/annoying you/asking you for a favor  ac·count·able for the last thing(s) you did for them - cuz trust it's ALMOST NEVER a surprise to them (maybe from you) but it certainly isn't uncommon to do such a thing.

The Texting Thesis

I appreciate the convenience that text presents in this digital, hyper-connected world we live in. For all it’s convenience, I love that texting allows you to “pay attention” to more than one person and/or thing at a time, keep a conversation going when holding the phone to your ear can’t happen, and getting quick responses for one-off questions that don’t merit wasting anyone’s minutes (who still counts those though :-/?) – or more than likely saving you a trip to someone’s dusty voicemail box that never gets checked.

I have found though, that for all the things I love about texting – there are things that I loathe about it as well. At the top of my Texting Detestation is the complicated TONE. The problem anytime two people are trying to communicate via words on a screen there is room for SEVERE misinterpretation.

I was once in a text conversation and someone was trying to tell me their point of view via text message. So I responded “Point duly noted” within the message I sent back. To which I received the message “…now you saying point duly noted, oh no I am not the one.” I looked at my screen and chuckled since if this were a real conversation the tone in my voice would have given the context clue that would have alluded to the word “duly” meaning rightly so; with validity; or in hood speak can be taken to mean “Truuu!” or “You got that one.”

Now I am aware that while my vocabulary is rife with ignorant misnomers, expletives, and made-up hood terminology I also use “big” words as well since I like to spread wide the use of my higher-than-math verbal SAT score. I am also aware that I am very silly when I’m comfortable around a person. So in my communications that comes out but invariably the TONE always gets lost in these non-verbal methods of communication.

#2 on my Text Detestation List: Text as a Conversation REPLACER

I am single and well…I’ve had the unfortunate luck of running into MORE than a few dudes who think it is OKAY to get to know me via text. Sending me messages like

“What’s your favorite color?”

“What do you like to do for fun?” or the variant to this “What thing you like to get into?”

I’ve dismissed these dudes shortly after the 3^rd question comes because I simply DO NOT have the TIME or finger energy to answer ALLA DIS on my phone. If you want to get to know me, call. I know that’s so 1990 – but the truth is texting DOES NOT REPLACE talking. Following up – sure! It’s great to text someone a picture of something ratchet you were just talking about! Perfect actually.

But to think (as happened recently to me) that guy meets girl. Guy texts girl and says that “I don’t remember what you look like, but I remember thinking you were sexy.” (Disclaimer: I didn’t even remember who this was after HE hit ME up asking how WE met, and thus had NO reference point to even rest my pretty fingers on that space bar with) AND THEN asks me to make time to come see him VIA TEXT. You could have been Quasi Moto from Hunchback for all I know. You could have NO bass in your voice. And this is how we “speak.” Clearly I’m a dinosaur in these streets because standards have clearly become extinct in the world of TALKING to people. 

#3 God-Awful Grammar from the Too-Grown Folks

If you’re 40 years old (as has happened to me lol I swear I couldn’t make up some of the characters I;ve met if I TRIED!) do NOT and I repeat do NOT let me get a message from you talking about “So wen u cumin ova?” Best part of said message was that it came from a TEACHER smh…Worst part of this message TOO many ppl spell COME like it’s the sperm race championships with their “cum.” I’m going to need folks to stop it. 

Abbreviations are fine. I get it. I love my OMW and SMH and LOL because they work and I understand them. Do NOT think you will be the next Daniel Webster for Text Editor  with all these “new” (really old & simple) text words & terms spelled incorrectly. We too grown to act like my 14 yr old cousin on Facebook…and since reading is fundamental and I have to read YO mess don’t make me waste my time trying to even understand you…

#4 The 1-Worder Turned Drama

Because tone invariably gets misconstrued in text, I’ve found that when dealing with drama queens/kings and those who have nothing else to do besides get angry over a text message – the one word response elicits something you as reader knows is attitude and vexation coming through your phone.

If anyone asks me the most basic nonsense on my phone you’re getting a 1-worder. Such as “Where are you at?” Sent at 4pm on a WEEKDAY. Where else would I be? Tricking on 42^nd St? Naturally my response can only be “work.” It’s not like you and I BOTH are unaware of the fact that I do go to an establishment ERRday for a (measly) living…Friday I could understand. But Mon-Thurs…let’s be common about this (b/c you don’t have to be smart to deduce where I would be or any other dumb question you get via text). So when I get a response that is “okay [insert name here].” Don’t be annoyed and try to include my name in some drama-deducing tactic to demonstrate grievance. YOU asked a dumb question that you should have known the answer to. Take those attitudinal text waves to someone else’s phone cuz it wasn’t worth all that “[insert name here].”  

Drama that is amassed from texting should automatically raise a red flag of “Get yo life!” pause and reflection since it’s never that serious. And usually for drama-less folks they keep it moving…

How You Know

I’ve encountered a string of events that has solved one of the major questions regarding the opposite sex that women, boys, men, girls, puppies and even dogs either ask, think about or encounter in their lives. In the words of Whitney “How Do I Know If He Really Wants Me?” In this case “wants” means liked, is interested in and has some vested interest in you.

So I came upon this discovery after dealing with a motley crew of selfish ass niggas. You know the ones who serve absolutely NO purpose. In case you all are saying “Oh, Anne sounds so bitter right now” man I’ll “take that-take that” as if Diddy was dishing it himself. Because I’m not bitter, just observant. I’m not bitter I’m just tired of the whackness & bitchassness. And what most people call bitter is just a quick deflection tactic to take the steam, validity, and clarity out of what I know is my (and a few other people's) truths. 

But it’s cold out here and how is it that good & great people can’t get the simplest things?

Sometimes I might just want to talk. Especially if I actually pick up the phone and dial. I had Selfish #1 tell me at past 11pm on a work night: “Oh I thought you were coming over.” Whaaaaaa?! Like waaahhh? I almost burst out laughing before I informed him that I had work in the morning and that shit was DEAD. Convo ended very shortly thereafter. Ass (#2) had been in my phone getting options like it was a dealership. Being treated like a Ruth Chris Steakhouse as far as I was concerned. You know top-line treatment complete with “which hairstyle do you want for tonight?” options. I’ve learned that making guys feel special is a talent. Yeah I said it, but I also was wasting that talent expecting a little bit for me in return. WARNING: I live in a judgment-free zone. If you know you’re gonna be judging TDA then you shouldn’t even be reading what follows...

But if you are down to ride, sometimes all you want is what YOU want. It might not be the exact situation you would choose. But it ain’t all lilies, gumdrops, rainbows and dandelions out here. We have needs and just like these asses are out here capitalizing on the “statistics” – does NOT mean I will NOT be trying get mines! So would you believe I didn’t get nary a tongue-down from Ass #2 despite the hair options??! I didn’t even get a BEAR HUG. Damn. That’s cold. He was cut off the next day after a very honest account of what the damn deal REALLY is. And just a note on that, love will make you dumb…but never should you ever spare someone’s feelings if they DON’T spare yours. I was doing a lot of sparing and much to chagrin I’m still waiting for “the come back” so I can respond with the proper curse out that I feel is now due.

Then I get nigga in my phone just all types of cursin?! When I just wanted to SAY what’s up and not actually text since I didnt have time for all of that. The response “Whatever n**ga… I’m f**kin tired of ur f**kin cursin. Later”  I got business to handle. Don’t be all up on my phone with that shit. You need to be about some sunshine, happiness, peace and love up in my area.

So how did all these seemingly insurmountable nigga dealings lead me to the fountain of truth. Well I realized that for a man (and NOT a nigga since it’s not in niggas’ DNA to really do these types of things I surmise) to just do something because YOU would be happy is a big freaking deal. Actions aren’t being performed with the expectation of getting into the draws OR because it was convenient for them and THEY’RE in the mood. Let me repeat that: Actions are NOT being performed with the EXPECTATION of getting into the draws or because it was convenient for them and THEY’RE in the mood. Instead actions are performed because YOU would take pleasure from it or because you ASK (it couldn’t be easier). A phone call, an impromptu non-sexual hang-out, a question that shows you take SOME INTEREST in SOMETHING that you speak of often. 2 out of 3 of those are FREE.99 ladies & gents…There’s a lot of selfish ass niggas out there and I would be remiss if I didn’t add the disclaimer that niggas come in ALL shapes, genders, sizes, and colors  - so just be vigilant and keep your heart 3 stacks until you see actions that SHOW you he/she is into YOU. Even if you don’t agree with some of the statements made here today…::kicks dust with steel-toe boot:: we all can admit that streets are dry these days…

The Great & Now Elusive M.O.S.

I was thinking a few weeks ago that I haven’t had a great – or- even any decent make out sessions in a while. By a while I mean a few years……::kicks dust with steel-toe boot:: streets are dry these days…

One of the greatest tragedies of singleness these days is the critical shortage of intimacy options. For fear that streets are burning, having casual sex has lost a lot of its appeal to me since I really can’t afford to have some one night tryst and consequently end up spending my entire morning or afternoon commuting to the doctor and then to the pharmacy to get some meds. Compounded with the fact that I don’t club like that and eye-candy disappeared approximately back in 2008ish maybe?

But somewhere in the middle of these barren intimacy fields lies the great (and now elusive as all hell) Make-Out Session or M.O.S. There’s something about a great, sporadic, spontaneous M.O.S. that makes you feel like you had an adventure. I LOVE adventures of the random, planned, and spontaneous sort but It’s one of the things (after eye candy) that I miss about being younger. It just felt like stumbling into nice lip-locking wrestles or the just-right tongue-flickering/head tilting ratio were easier to come by. The joys of being young…

You may have just met the eyes alone of your M.O.S. partner, or maybe liquid courage allowed you to be emblazoned in the passion of a great Friday night. No need for last names, no need for details about ANY situation. The ONLY situation at hand is getting a taste of those juicy/plump/firm/red-polished/soft/sexy [insert whatever you look for in kissing partners here] lips and finding the apropos venue to have it out. A great M.O.S.  works those invisible kinks out. The invisible kinks undergird the bullshit du-jour & stress which causes those life-bumps we all hate but can’t avoid. The effort of being proactive and keeping the road paved and kink free creates a smoother ride and for this very reason  – M.O.S.’ are sorely missed in my arsenal of stress-relieving and small adventure/juicy brunch-gossip inducing activities. …I’m just going to pour some liquor for my M.O.S.’ that’s gone…

Damn Distractions

It’s been 5 whole months since I last posted and my sincerest apologies to all those who have craved for the lengthy posts of debauchery, comedy, and craziness that is my life and your entertainment…I’ve missed sharing my stores and in this time I’ve amassed quite some good content for you all on an assorted arrangement of scraps of paper, post its, and phone notes to myself. Quite telling of the life I was living over the past few months.

I must say that I will blame at least 40% of my absence to those damn distractions. I’m about accountability so I can’t say it was all this stuff but it got crazy f’real. As a purveyor of productivity, efficiency, and hard work I fell into the abysmal rabbit hole of distractions that consumed me from almost every angle. The crazy thing was that while being distracted (but never fully detoured) I had to act like everything was alright. I mean the front will always be the cover of your life’s magazine but man when the pages are being worn the cover can start to fade fast. So in an attempt to justify my absence from the That Damn Anne! Blogosphere I’ll give you a synopsis of the past 5 months and the 3 damn distractions that were wearing out my pages and dimming my cover.

#1. Men

You know I always had the observation that no matter how “busy” any of my female friends were/are when it’s story telling time the one common denominator is that some dude comes the hell up. Now I’m not possessive of my friend’s time and I totally get that we can’t offer each other EVERYTHING that we need but in the back of my mind there’s always a little voice that’s like “dang girl WE coulda chilled and had a BETTER time if you were bored.” Well I was guilty of the top distraction for most single ladies: men. I wish I could tell you all that my extended single holiday is over but we all know summer is coming so that wouldn’t be the case here. Instead I was caught up in dealing with dudes who had nothing for me but games of trivial pursuits, almost dead-ends, and worst of all positive energy-zappers. Trivial pursuit men are the ones you hit up for one or maybe 2 things none of which are conversation and good company. Almost dead-ends are men who take you out once, and upon further conversation you realize will not be the next anything – but they may be able to offer you business opportunities and a chance to make money. Positive energy zappers are the guys (and girls apply here too) who you choose to motivate out of the kindness of your heart even though the job isn’t yours to do, they don’t want to be motivated, and they slosh around in the same hot stinky ass mess everyday. I managed to have all 3 thankfully except for the almost dead end, they’re gone after being excommunicated.

#2. Poop in a Cup x 2

“What the hell?” I’m sure you said to yourself with this title but…the life of a TRUE traveler is full of adventures both good & bad. So after returning from a week and half romp as Carmen (this trip was in February to Vietnam & Cambodia) …I was HURT. But didn’t realize it until almost a month out of feeling the pangs and pains of what was diagnosed as an intestinal infection. So I went to my general physician who instructed me to poop in a cup. After making that happen with great difficulty, a referral to a Gastroenterologist, and the conclusion that because my doc “couldn’t see inside” she had no meds for me, I went to the specialist for some relief. He diagnosed me and gave me meds, but then I got the (extremely late) call from my general doc that because THEY gave me the WRONG cup I had to go at it again. Freakin awesome!! So after not being able to eat properly for about 4 weeks, taking meds, losing weight (a small girl’s nightmare!) and STILL feeling weird, I had an endoscopy done and surprise! Your girl TDA has an ulcer too! Great. So I obliged everybody and finally … as in 2 weeks ago, got my appetite back and all is well…but being sick and working like you’re not is annoying as all hell…I’ll spare you the TMI details of that experience.

#3. Life as a Hustler

In the time that I’ve been MIA as TDA, I met with schools and businesses to establish partnerships for my nonprofit, consulted for another client, met with another potential client, networked my behind of, and wrote a ton of papers for college students. Although brokenness refuses to elude me, I was able to discover another revenue stream and hustle that I actually enjoy, meet some really cool folks, and expand my network. All while my cover was dimming no less! It was a rollercoaster ride but such is life.

So I was distracted…but never detoured. Cover was dim, but never put out. “Dass it!!” And now I’m back …healthier, able to eat again (yeesssss), with more crazy stories, content and a new look to boot. I hope you all keep reading, enjoy, share and comment. It’s going to be, as my favorite tranny Maurica would say about her platanos, yuuuicy! 

UGGGHHH!!

You know what really grinds my gears? These things never cease to annoy me when they occur and are always followed by the sentiment of “UGGHHHHHH!!” Feel free to add yours to the mix I’m sure I forgot a bunch of things…

1. Lollygagging

Contrary to popular belief, walking has rules. It’s NYC why would the millions of pedestrians be exempt? I’m just sick though of having people walk in front of me, block my path down some stairs, and/or wandering aimlessly in MY WAY. If you’re lost, confused, need a minute – just step to the damn side and allow me to catch my train, go to work, get to the store, or do whatever I need to do. Move with a purpose..sheesh.

2. Spreading Your Disgusting Germs

As the winter (and cold/flu) season is upon us – I am sick of people just “Ahhhhhheeechhhk” “Chu-chu” without COVERING THEIR MOUTHS. We learned this lesson in Kindergarten which I am positive 100% of people were able to complete. I always wrinkle my nose, hold my breath until invisible germs have dissolved into the air and I think it safe to breathe but why I gotta do that cuz you want to be nasty?

3. Unprofessionalism

Listen, I don’t know the intricacies of getting some of these jobs but I DIDN’T WANT THEM. I also take my job kinda serious. You knew what you were signing up for – if you didn’t then go read your manual. All of these people who work in customer service but HATE ppl :-/ not my problem. All the people who decided to work and never thought they would meet an actual OFFICIAL person and have some accountability – spare me. Just don’t think for a second I won’t tell you (and your manager if you really annoy me) about yourself because you can always quit, go into a business better suited to your unprofessional ways, or go to (job) hell.

4. Dragging Out the Simplest Things

I recently had to drop off paperwork for some public assistance (I am NOT ashamed). THAT WAS IT. I could scan some papers, check some boxes on a computer and say hello in about…hmm..2 minutes? But nah, because I’m a part of this system I just HAVE to wait. It has to be in the Government’s DNA to scorn all people seeking assistance by making us wait for the simplest tasks in the world. But the lady hooked me up so even after I said Uggghhh, I was only forced to wait a cool 2 hours. Thanks for the hookup! This also applies to when you want to buy ONE thing and EVERY line has a bazillion ppl lined up and all you want to do is get the hell out of the place. Many a dime has been saved in these scenarios because the lines usually win and I go about my business.

5. Invading My Personal Space

I have a 2”x 2” invisible box that is my personal space. Even on a crowded train this space exists (it may be reduced by an inch but it’s still there). So when anyone decides that holding the pole right above my head is cool, or spreading their legs to the length of a wingspan is alright – I’m annoyed. Leaning on the train doors is meant for 2 people MAX. That little corner seat on the train is meant for ONE. And when in doubt if you’re uncomfortably close, touching me, or in my damn area back the hell up.

6. The “Pardoned” Caress

I think my sentiments about the club are in this category too – but I don’t want to put my old recreational activity on blast just yet but there is the pardoned caress that happens. You know when a guy wants to pass you and instead of saying “Excuse me” like a normal person – they decide to rub and caress your lower back as if he also has to pardon your ass before he moves. Maybe I have intimacy issues, maybe I’ve been single for way too long – but why you rubbin on me like thaaaaaaat?!?! I don’t caress any dude’s back or give him some 5 minute massage preview when I’m trying to move because he’s a STRANGER and I’m just trying to MOVE. Nowhere in that equation should faux-intimacy and apocryphal moments of tenderness pass.

Since My Personality Has Rendered Me Dead To Dating

I lounged at home flipping through one of my old Elle’s magazines looking for fabulosity and flyness and as always had to read Ms. E. Jean’s advice column. I am addicted to comedy come from the often silly, sometimes ridiculous, always entertaining titles and gushings from these people. Apparently my hubris up until that point allowed me to think of myself as just another person finding comfort in other people’s mess until I read the final line in this Ask E. Jean: Picking Up the Dude’s Vibe.

Contrary to the title’s message, this flabbergasted, flustered, femme (FFF as she will be referred to in this brief summary) was shocked into emailing Ms. E. Jean by the discovery of something. Picture scenario:  FFF has boyfriend of 3 months; he moves to a new place; boxes are everywhere when FFF visits said new place; FFF comments on the boxes everywhere; boyfriend laughs (type of laugh not mentioned- but may be of some relevance) and points to the vibrator on the coffee table that belonged to his ex-fiancee; but as boyfriend quickly adds “has been cleaned and sterilized and is still fully operational.” POW. That was the personal Pearl Harbor gem FFF was dealing with.

FFF’s need to talk about it while boyfriend is at work, her question about his feelings, and his eventual Houdini disappearing act prompted FFF to seek some type of post-bomb shelter in Ms. E. Jean. And of course being the direct debutante I’ve come to like E. Jean ends her advice to FFF with:

 “Talking kills your mystery. And when you kill the mystery, the guy does not call back.”

BOOOOMMMM! There went my personal Pearl Harbor gem dropped in my face.

I’m a talker. I’m known for this. It’s like when you think of Anne one of Top 5 thoughts after knowing me is “man that girl can talk,” “damn you talk fast,” or “how did you end up on that topic?” My college roommate used to say that “Anne lives vigorously in the real world” and well to the extent that I am also real with myself – shit I know I talk a lot.

Suddenly E. Jean’s pairing of talk and mystery brought it all home and shed a little light on why my dating – and by dating I mean ACTUAL dating, not just fucking as I believe many blacks have come to use the word (another post- another day I.J.S.) has been DOA.

I also took E. Jean’s talk/mystery combo and combined it with what my friends tell me “Anne, you gotta tone it down” or “You know how you do, just don’t say too much” and got some more insight into the lack thereof of a viable bench of potentials. Truth be told most of my friend’s advisements were met with questions of a wide-eyed girl. Seriously. How does one “tone oneself down” but not look crazy after the volumized you comes out 2 months later? How am I supposed to “not say too much” when guys ask questions and hell, there’s nothing else to do BUT talk on a damn date? How do you reel yourself in? When do you reel yourself in? 

Reading a very prominent personality trait you have as a reason a guy doesn’t call back leads to public therapy by way of this blog post, but really it might have been the CPT working and CPT – Couch Potato Thoughts are real.

When else do you have time to ruminate in the thoughts that almost never occupy more than 10-15% front brain space? Another CPT thought that occurred to me was that I’ve never been good at frontin’ in any way. When I’m tired you can tell, when I’m excited you can tell. This isn’t a “woe is me” self-hate session either. Again, IJS. I don’t get the point of “toning down” and “having some mystery” when it’s no mystery that dudes be dippin! Houdinis are a real situation out here – f’real. For all the games and rules to dating I would sincerely prefer to focus my death sheath of gab on the multitude of places it actually benefits me outside of dating.

For all the mystery I don’t have according to the tumbleweed-ridden barren field that is my singledom, I certainly have had more than one too many free drinks, the clutch-move free club entries, presentations, refunded credits, and other things that have certainly made my gift of gab worth it. I may not say that on a first date – but it’s a big part of who I am and I can live without a shroud of “mystery” surrounding me. I’m sure I’ll be alright – and if I’m not you can find solace in the fact that one day my story could be one of your comedies come from the often silly, sometimes ridiculous, always entertaining titles and gushings from me.