I've read these lists and I agree with a lot of what they've said. But in talking to one of my sisters about my upcoming 30th a few months ago about what I hadn't yet accomplished (namely a romantic relationship) she said to me "yeah but you're living other people's dreams right now - you travel, your work schedule is better than most and you're fine!" It's funny that she put it that way and when I entered my 29th year I created the #fine29 hashtag to commemorate the last year of my 20s.
So I got to thinking. In this list and socially comparative culture we live in (damn FOMO! That Facebook feed sometimes, I tell you...) we're subconsciously setting ourselves up for constant measures and benchmarks formulated by others who don't know our personal stories; retain a cultural view that is different from ours (how many times have you wondered about references and just glossed over like "mmmk missed that memo"); have no idea what we've been through; and will most likely never be in our shoes. So I decided to make a list of 29 things I've accomplished, learned, and accepted in the time I've been here on the planet.... And coming up with this was fun because I was able to come from abundance. I wasn't comparing myself against a list; and turns out I have done a lot so far! I've realized these lists don't often have room for too much adversity, diversity, or cultural realities and so I loved making this for that reason too. So without further ado in celebration of the life I've lived up until now in the #fine29 since I've been here...in no order of importance is my 29 things I've done by 29!
1) Ridden a Harley motorcycle, climbed two volcanos, and slept in the desert.
It was for a few residential blocks (not in this country) but it was cool to be on a classic when I rode the Harley! Cue: "Born to be Wild." But I realized the power of sharing and asking questions. That's how most adventures begin. Adventure is amazing, I never thought I was this person who could like nature. Yet, adventures have taught me that I can do anything once if I truly want to - and a part of me wants to! Adventure time is real and it's pretty cool to know I have and will keep accruing them in my life.
2) Been a speaker on a panel.
So far I've been on 3-4 and I love sharing/networking. I feel one of the detriments of our society is we don't share more of things we learn from to help and commiserate with others. No one is truly alone in what they go through but only forums like panels help to make that clear. For me, the opportunities mean I'm on my way and I sincerely enjoy public speaking.
3) Been fired.
It happens and not always for reasons that are your fault, but sometimes it is. I've had both and it's put me right where I want to be professionally. Ironically after the first time it gets easier because you realize the shade is real. Insecurity can be actualized in the form of something you won't walk away from and doors don't just open, they close too. Insecurity also manifests in the form of others hating, judging, and disrespecting you. Knowing the difference is key, but walking away to better things is what turns the lock.
4) Created and sold products that are mine. Every project of creation that I have done taught me that I love the process of creating. I'm a natural saleswoman, and someone out there (a few I would suppose) actually LIKE what I've created - it feels amazing and it feeds my hustler spirit. I never really embraced the artist in me until I realized art is creation and creation is what makes the world go round. Of course, when times are rough I have some rainy day funds to cover my head and keep me dry though which is always a plus.
5) Helped someone in need just because. I've carried strollers up stairs, told blind folk what stop we were at, and given food and dollars out. In NYC it's easy to be immune but a little good gives a great feeling and you never know who you're saving with a small gesture. The strangers, crazies and other ransoms love speaking to me despite the NY screw face I thought I mastered - but maybe my purpose that day was to spread some light in a cold, dark place.
8) Cursed out the bill collectors and received compensation.
Look. I work really hard and most of the time I don't mind mishaps but when I have to do more work for someone else's fuck up that deals with my life then it's a real problem. I do NOT ever condone going ham out the gate but sometimes this red tape stuff takes you there and as an avid consumer and purveyor of customer service I will call you out on it. It's also made me more vigilant of my accounts because the swindle is real and people are being bamboozled. If you pay something off KEEP THOSE PAPERS FOREVER! If they are at fault make them pay...I've hung up and called back with different approaches too but sometimes people don't get you until you get hype - meet PepperAnne ;-)
9) Followed my instinct without "approval."
I've been in many situations people would consider precarious but I usually seek counsel from someone on my team...but instincts and intuition are real. Your body sends signals when danger is afoot but you just have to know to trust yourself and be realistic, honest and open-minded. I've gotten some great opportunities doing this and I don't regret any of them. I've also realized that not everyone is equipped to really weigh in...if you're not on my level of course not. If you just met me, I don't even see you. There is also the reality that as many people that have called me brave, courageous, and inspirational - I really am just doing my best to LIVE my life and not have my life WORK me. The knowledge that most people are hooked onto this machine called the matrix, don't take risks, live in fear, and believe major forms of fake hype also discounts many opinions about things that instinctively I could figure out.
10) Found my passion and talents.
I am a Scorpio and yes I am passionate. I know my strengths and weaknesses. However, I took the TIME to figure myself out. For everyone that claims to be aimless in life, not sure what they want, or what they stand for (both good and bad), they haven't invested time in themselves. Most people are afraid to be alone. Many people would rather be unhappy and miserable with someone else for anything: a relationship, a party, travel, etc. before being in their own thoughts and company. When I found my passion and talents I thought a lot. I went out to things that could've gone either way in terms of interest and learned what I liked, and eventually found what I loved - outside of anyone else's opinion. I was also born alone. We all are. Even twins come out one at a time.
11) Followed my passion where it leads me.
I work on many things and people always say they're impressed, but I only want to do what makes me happy, what will provide a financial support system for my lifestyle, and what is important to Me Inc. And yes sometimes I don't sleep as much as I should and sometimes I'm MIA but when I look at how everyone else is moving and shakin in their situations I don't feel so bad lol. If I don't sleep a few days to put my best foot forward it's always noticeable ... We have concealer for the under eye circles after all ;-) You never know at what point or in what manner you'll shine your brightest when you're in pursuit of your passion. Find that pulse and see what you can beat out of it. Figure out what you love and/or like...you know a hobby? It's about to be a new year -you can flip that into some gas money in the least (especially at these prices!). Maybe you'll meet your next mentor...possibilities are endless...
12) Continued my education.
The minute you stop learning about yourself, about what you want, and about your environment is the moment you stop growing and become obsolete. Our brains can constantly acquire new things so why not stretch that? It doesn't have to be a degree related thing (but you know I got those ;-) lol but edification of self is the best investment ever. This includes welcoming and asking for critique - continuing to be educated means that you want to be better and you can't do that without knowing what you DONT KNOW and being (very) OK with that...
13) Owning Me Inc.
"She has this IDGAF attitude about her." Someone who disliked me once said this and it was the REALEST way someone could have described me. I've invested more solo time and introspection than a lot of other people. I know this because other people's opinions of me are SINCERELY none of MY business. I OWN Me Inc. that means I know every nut, bolt, cog and functional machinery in this body and brain. I've been with myself longer than anyone who has known me. People who do not know how to deal with their own feelings will call you names. People who claim to know you (and even those who actually do) will describe you in ways you haven't heard before or that are unpopular when you look back on how many times you've been called those things (statistics have applications in real life after all). When people feel conflicted with parts of You Inc. they don't like, know, or understand they react. Let them. Most people are reactionary. Someone taps the knee, and there's a response. When you own who you are however there is little that others can say about your character and personality that will cause you to kick your knee up. Even if the knee goes up in that instant, the feeling won't last long because you know your company better than anyone else. All great people know who they are, and most of the time if it doesn't fall in the realm of development for benefit (and many criticisms from people do NOT fall in this category) it rolls off my back.
14) Healed/healing a broken heart.
I have dealt with many people thinking they could give me what I want but I didn't know what I really wanted. So you catch feelings and run with an idea...which are conscious decisions. It is a fixation. You select who you give your attention to. People take kindness for weakness (not just romantically), and it hurts. But I've learned that pain is part of life and learning to love yourself and be okay being in your OWN company is the best preparation to deal with others. A firmly rooted tree won't sway when fickle or temporary conditions (aka people,situations, circumstances) pass through. It's also NECESSARY to mourn, be sad, and be HURT. I've remained optimistic, caring, kind and mindful which have helped me heal the wounds I earned in the battle of life thus far - but I know I'm a wounded warrior. I'm not trying to be Rambo out here, glistening with mad cuts and bruises. This is real life and it's a process. Healing is also continual for me. The major pieces are picked up and patched up and it's helped me grow in love for myself and others.
15) How to improve things for my greater good.
I am all about a goal. Setting it, meeting it, and making a new one. I don't have everything all figured out but because I set intentions about what I want to specifically accomplish that will help me be better, wiser, and mature - I do it. Things like savings (because now that I have one, I want to double it in a few months); improving my self-discipline to increase my self-care routine (that is a hard one but I am taking steps!) and other "adult" things it feels amazing to be grown when you have your eyes set on #grownfolkgoals.
16) Started over...and then kept starting over.
I've moved across the country to Dallas, back to New York and when in these places, I also moved around and kept resetting. My comfort and pockets are very important considerations for me and as people called me brave for doing all this - I never saw it that way. If something must be done to jumpstart a stalemate and get some kinetic energy in your life I'm all for it. Life is to be lived and nowhere in that did it say YOU need to stay tied down to anything that isn't what you dream, envision , or can get for yourself. People confine themselves within systems that are already confining and then look at the world with the Kanye face: "HOW?!" I just do it. We didn't all have friends close by all the time and now it's hard for me to see most of them without a date! Most people don't want to hit reset because they're waiting for Superman in the form of a friend or opportunity to start over. I don't believe in Praying Until Something Happens (PUSH), that's passive faith. I believe in praying for the lanes to be clear as I switch in and out of them. That's active faith. Starting over doesn't feel so scary if you have the spirituality support you need.
17) Asked for help.
I am not always asking for help but I do know how to wave the white flag. Being vulnerable is a sign of strength. It's harder to ask and hope to get what you need than to say nothing and suffer internally. Professionally this has been even more apparent as a needed skill than ever before.
18) Gotten out of debt in some major ways.
I own my car!!!!! Candy (my baby's name) is allllll mine and it feels absolutely wonderful! I don't want to trade her in I just don't want a car note anymore! I can't believe 5 years went by so fast - but I felt better than a slave on Juneteenth when I paid that last payment! I've also taken a hard line look at credit card debt and most of the time when I am crying broke it's because I have a 99.8% on time payment rate, always above the minimum balance, with the goal of $0 balance for ALL cards (1 more left!) by the spring. I was in this space of bad credit when I graduated from college and ever since I took up a Macy's seasonal job way back when to handle it, I've looked at debt differently. Truly though I also look at shopping and consumerism differently.
19) Lost friends.
I used to read that as you got older you would lose people along the way. But everyone isn't meant to be around forever and there are plenty of blogs and posts on this. It hurts at first but now that I think about my schedule, all of it couldn't be maintained realistically - so the core group has lasted in the decade range now - we're family at this point. I'd rather have a core group that work under a barter system like a tribe anyway that way we're all adding to each other. I had to learn why it fell by the wayside too -because there's a lesson in everything. But you and life goes on when this does happen and the hurt/anger/whatever you feel subsides over time.
20) Smiled because someone pointed out I wasn't doing that (or laughing even when your day is shitty).
I am an around the way girl with lots of class...so my corner store guys know me and I'm around...the ...way. Sometimes I am chided to smile and it happened recently. It was a homeless guy and I told him thank you and replied with a smile. I have a nice one if I do say so myself (my manager said it was a million dollar smile so I bought Colgate optic white to protect that investment nah mean?! Lol). But it's free to do that and someone cares enough to yield a reaction out of you that is positive, nonintrusive, and warm... We need more of that. I could be in a coffin and I actually was reminded of how quickly you can wind up in a cadaver while in a flurry the other day. Step outside yourself. Smile. There's always at least ONE reason no matter how small!
21) Moved back home.
So it's NYC and as much as I soo would love to flex with all of yall, I did that apartment and rent thing when I first graduated + 2 times over. I'm good. "No, dude I just met you can't come through (thank God);" "Yes I am hungry (thanks auntie for cookin)"; and I can actually save (for the American Dream and more!). It takes a certain amount of humility and patience to move back home but it's for the greater good of 'me enterprises.' My friend told me she read something recently that 35 and under don't save as much. Um duh you got Sallie Mae like a pimp called slickback regulating on that check, so many barriers to move in, and it's just expensive. It's always hard going back home and that is a whole other blog post. But um I don't even have it like that and I'd much rather use it to be on a plane at this point ...which is how I made it happen these past 2 years. I can probably expense this ;-). There is also an aspect of being around - but not (because I'm out a lot) that I know my mom likes...as all my immediate elders who raised me get old it's the little conversations that will keep them when I do move on and out and knowing they can hit me up for any favor (even if I moan about it or don't want to do it). It also feels nice to see my mom's smile when I return from a trip and know that I was missed. They gave me room to be so I have to honor that. Being at home has become much less of a stress because I have humbled myself to realize this.
22) Been on some nonconformist sh*t.
I love Turkish pop music. I love Madonna. I love konpa. I love art. I love physical books. I don't work a traditional 9-5. I make body butters. I go hard for the kids. Sometimes even I say who am I? And you are so multi-layered it's crazy, who made you? But man the mainstream is for those who want to be passive viewers to life, living vicariously through people they will never be, see, or meet for the most part. There are so many people making money, living the life they WANT - I can't afford to NOT be one of them. You wouldn't know because the point of media is so you don't. But watching enough TV has revealed jobs that were clearly made up and ran with. A lifestyle entrepreneur - shoot sign me up!!! This is the teething period of success and I would rather know I'm a tastemaker and influencer in real life because people will be following me soon... Also, mainstream conformity is sooo pedestrian now. I don't really care what Kourtney's 3rd baby is or the name I'm trying to go half on an incorporation, before I find her to distribute these body butters at Dash.
23) Used my singleness to my advantage, but having space to want more.
So many times being single is about acceptance and reassurance - how about education though? As single as I've been I don't think I would've been with any of the dudes I've encountered in past romps. But they did teach me some things though (wink, wink). I love being treated, I like free.99, I like to imbibe and in my mind I'm usually on a runway - any questions?? I do what and whom I want and if you didn't make the cut join the line (everyone can't have what they want). It's been taking people up on these offers, using single to learn what it is that I like (and don't) in all forms but more importantly to articulate that as an adult with a calm and cool head. But loneliness creeps in and that's okay. I've just learned to be alright with feeling that I want a great love someday and I can still hope for it and work on me until I get it. And having fun is just that - fun. Although it's less than I used to indulge in and my version of "fun" has changed a lot, forever is long and I'm not ready for that tomorrow either. So it may be my birthday, I may flash a smile and I have no problem getting to know you for whatever moment we share in space in time but the moment I leave this sphere of single it would have been after fully appreciating my single, sexy, and sweet life of treats, adventures, and randomness showered upon me at the behest of a friendly smile.
24) Meditate/explore my spirituality/connect with myself.
I'm not there yet as someone who does it everyday or anything but I have started to slow and calm my brain down. There are a lot of whizzing things and moving parts in there but it's important to be still. Listening is active but in a different way and the universe sends us messages through our environment. I also lean on faith A LOT. Listen any day, any moment, any instance can take you to any other level than where you are, be it up or down...so you have to pay that rent on earth by making sure you do what you like in some way and are around reinforcements of that. At least so we're all less miserable when you aren't happy (aka why misery loved company). I also think that God/universe/Allah/whoever or whatever you believe in will test how much you believe.?What do you do when uncertainty and adversity come at you? That's the only constant everyone can bet on honestly. Not a person, place or thing is as sure as this fact. The only variable remains us and how we react. Do we adapt? Is it fight or flight? We control this but it takes a strong core of self to acknowledge where you are astray and to dig deeper into your understanding of whatever dogma you prescribe to. Every class of people has one even if you're an atheist but going deeper to expand the breadths depths of why you are that and the counter points is what helps us make sense of the crazy in our own lives. I'm still in this space but I love it because it's abundance and presence keeps on speaking within me with different circumstances. And it always works out.
25) Learned that 25 wasn't as big a deal as I though it would be.
I swore I would almost have a ring by that time. But it comes around so fast and there are so many things I had envisioned accomplishing before I was living my life. I love it now but people put emphasis on so many of these "milestones" that aren't doing much but making us feel like we're social retards, behind some trend, and not doing well enough for society's standards. Did I really have a "quarter life crisis"? It wasn't such a crisis in the end. Guess what. Fuck society. We can't even get paid out here. Don't call me old cuz I'm 30! And yes I have to slow it down just a little bit but this the only frame I got to ride man lol...it happens. I can still hang and get that check worse come to worse ijs! And if I was married already or engaged - damn. I just can't imagine living someone else's life is my point here. If you are 25 and married do you boo!! I'm not even mad! I just...don't succumb to social pressure and aggravation anymore (just ask my mom and family - I give them the mirror curve with that like where's YOUR boyfriend?!).
26) Been open minded.
I always get the question why are you going there? Or why you doing that? And well I never have a REAL reason except why not? There's no real loss in discovering you don't like something. There's everything to be gained in knowing you don't like said thing and that the experience isn't for you. Being open minded has been one of the most crucial ways I've found success.
27) Cuddled in the full Monty; gone to 3rd1/2 base......and saying NO.
I don't do sex just because. Trust me this is candid enough that it made the list but I realized that many women feel powerless in the bedroom and with partners - I recently had a situation where it happened and this is very real. Let me break it down like this: someone will always and I mean always want the goods. Cute, ugly, rich, poor, smart, dumb. You can't possibly want/need/feel pressured to do something you don't want to and it's okay to say NO. Now I have been in ONE sticky situation but thankfully not more seriously dangerous or threatening ones. As a woman I don't play too much in this area and I'm honest - but I think this is where wires get crossed. Ladies stop saying that playful ass "Nooo" when he gets excited to that point of no return (we all know what that looks like). If you know you're not going to do anything! Just giggle and bat your eyelashes but the word no is confusing because we say it but don't mean it...but I'm not in that class. It is nice though to experience something other than sex. I just feel like so many people are casually doing it, that it has lost its meaning - so if cuddling is what it is and there are no strings I have come to like that...a whole lot! Maybe I'm just a sucka, but cuddling is powerful.
28) Traveled and sacrificed for it.
I have been all over the world and I love it. But what gets me the most is how people perceive it to be different from any other thing in life that is desired. Everyone has their priorities. Some people like shoes (and I do have a lot of them because that used to be it!); some people like bags; others like to eat out. For me travel is the thing that I must do. I think I realized its importance when that was the talking point that got me my very first job out of college. If traveling means I don't do group dinners every month or so then so be it. Being in the world is such a beautiful thing it is worth a few sacrifices. I've always come back richer and with more love for humanity because of it...
29) Stopped comparing, stopped over-feeling, and matured in waiting.
Everyone is living their own life with their own issues and accomplishments. It would be unrealistic to compare where I am with where anyone else my age is because we're all different. I know people younger than me who I look up to! When comparing stops gratitude, appreciation, and knowledge exchanges set in.
I also had to learn that everything isn't personal. I used to get upset easily but I realized most of what I felt had something to do with an issue I had independent of what was going on. It feels so good to be able to rationalize how you feel before creating tensions and situations that don't need to exist. I've found that most feelings come from disappointment, dependence, or insecurity. Most of us have expectations that we don't even realize coming from these spaces and place them on others. Discernment is the difference. Not anymore. Patience means I can wait to understand and assess before I address anything that may not be a big deal. I wait to see if patterns are developing...I think working as a manager this summer really helped me realize the importance of observation and analysis before sharing.
Waiting provides a lot of clarity. Thankful that when there's no comparison, there's no rush to meet someone else's timeline; feelings can be controlled and understood for what they really are and represent; and time has become valuable as a learning tool instead of a race. Good things come to those who wait
Here's to 30 and what other lessons lie ahead!!
