A Poem: To the Future of Tomorrow

This was a poem I wrote back in 2011 when I first began my career in Education....still rings true today, but I think it's even more pressing now than ever...

To the future of tomorrow... 
Reading is Fundamental.

Someone once said, "If you ever want to hide something from a Black person put it in a book."
And it pains me that now, to this day, this is still a prominent hook. 

See I know you may not like to read -
However many of the things you seek start in the mind and development, it needs 

Don't worry about the divide, you don't gotta have a Kindle or a Nook 
Many of the things you seek can be found in a book. 

The pages might be tattered. The pages might be torn 
but from many a page... far and wide leaders were born. 

I know Dad may be MIA, mine wasn't around
Maybe mom works so hard, your soul frowns. 

But take heart because the world of books are full of spies, villains, fiends, friends. 
Even stories of other kids just like you, or where happy - is not the end. 

And I'm not talking about that street Lit- 
because that language won't let you make it too far (if at all) past 5th. 

I'm not saying that reading is the solution to all your problems. 
But picking up a good book or 2 might help escape some. 

Because you are not forgotten and long before your trials, 
people were writin'

I see so many of you on Facebook and Twitter, 
sexting with improper (Insta)gramma'. 

I just hope that message reaches the ears of the young, 
because too many of you are just too...... far....... gone. 

I comes before E except after C, 
but they wont teach you kids that in elementary. 

Many people write about you - YES about you!
You not knowing that, stuck in the hood, that would make you a fool. 

No one accepts people talking behind their backs 
if you read you would know these writer's acts.... Talking about YOU, as their facts. 

You see I haven't given up on the future and your role in it.
But all I can tell you is reading is fundamental, and I hope you get a taste for a it.

About Affiliations

I have many affiliations but since technology has hijacked many of our real life social sensibilities, I have been thinking a lot about what affiliations mean in the age of social media.  First of course some definitions to undergird my thoughtful ruminations.

af·fil·i·ate (ə-fĭl′ē-āt′)

v. af·fil·i·at·ed, af·fil·i·at·ing, af·fil·i·ates

v.tr.

1. To adopt or accept as a member, subordinate associate, or branch

2. To associate (oneself) as a subordinate, subsidiary, employee, or member

v.intr. To become closely connected or associated

1.affiliation - a social or business relationship

2. the act of becoming formally connected or joined 

3. the act of consorting with or joining with others 

There are some things about affiliations that I felt moved to discuss as this thought literally  came to me one morning before going to church a few months back. Now, this post may strike some chords good and bad. If it strikes the bad ones here is the disclaimer: if you are the emo, self-appropriating "this is offensive, let me defend all extra-sensitive Innanet trolls with a comment about this being elitist, snide, snobby, etc." please get your bowl of Innanet Wheaties  - and eat a hearty portion of said Wheaties.

Now that that has been addressed - let me say that I am affiliated with at least 4-5 different groups, and that is a minimum. First, my observations about affiliations now are heavily influenced by the fact that I am Greek, became so in undergrad, and have been seeing many of the things around affiliations now, and on social media, reflect Greek life in many ways. About affiliations...let me explain.

When I became Greek, I did it out of a desire to join the organization full of women who were real, honest, and sisterly. As an only child, with not too many female friends I trusted, it seemed a genuine affiliation to seek out. My approach to Greek membership however, revealed the first major thing about affiliations and people.

I. The Popularity Prize

I was already poppin' before I became Greek. Membership was a bonus in my scholarly and personal development. The thing about affiliations though is that for some people that's ALL they have. That's how they make friends, that's how they came/come up, that's how they get shine, that's how they get girls/guys, that's how they get a full social calendar, that's how they accomplish goals and often unarticulated, unrealized hopes (sometimes from childhood). The affiliation becomes a platform to POPULARITY and assumed importance within the confines of that space.

Now this can be good because it can yield allegiance of the unrivaled sort to said affiliation (everybody knows the die-hard cheerleaders or mascots of a group chat, Facebook group, and/or organization). Shoot when I first became Greek I wore my colors a lot. So I'm not hating on reppin'.

But - I've often seen the popularity prize derail affiliations internally because of the imbalance it causes. In the very psychological nature of popularity some are in and some are out. There is a presumed and very real judge and jury Salem Witch Trial band of delegates about how it plays out in very public (namely social media) spaces. 

Within social media (and most all) affiliations the Popularity Prize looks like:

a) condescension: someone thinking they are that affiliation's police and can judge, look down on, question, or ridicule others for their curiosity, opinion or decisions

b) in-crowding & ousting: being at the forefront of a bandwagon that collects unwavering disciples because of the (unspoken) desire to be popular by association, within an affiliation (subordinate is all in the definition - but so not me, or cute).  You can be driving the bandwagon or trying to get in - either way if you observe you'll see which one it is and for whom.

Ever been part of a group and notice messages and questions from certain people go unanswered while the same question posed by a popular one gets way more traction. Yeah. That's partially that. Popularity means paying attention more to some than others...

As someone who is content flying her own kite of life, I just don't have time for it.  I promise you (and your clique) are NOT cooler than me. I find the popularity prize in affiliations soooo...pedestrian. 

II. Expectations

This is kind of a subcategory but not. For those with the Popularity crown, the expectations that other members prescribe to the norms set forth by the popular one(s) does happen. Think about the "Let's go, *snap*" that happens in Mean Girls and virtually every other ring-leader esque movie scene. It's amazing how much of that culture has seeped into social media. 

On the other hand, in affiliations, there are sometimes unrealistic expectations of joining, becoming a member, or becoming a subordinate.  Each has its own issues - but this is where impatience, frustration, and dissatisfaction can breed contempt (much like in life).  I think now would be a good place to share what I think are decent expectations to have since a lot of of these basic principles seem to be evading a good lot of people *bows head down in silent prayers to Jesus, Joseph & Mary*

a) respect & manners: in the words of POTUS "Now if folks wanna pop off and have opinions about what they think they would do, present a specific plan." See I didn't even cut off Obama's words LAWD cuz he right! 

There is a respectful way to differ in opinion, share information with those who do not know, and address people.  There should be an expectation, even when subordinate, that these things are present in ANY space - and that there is patience when first joining an affiliation.  

b) patience: everyone doesn't know the ropes in the beginning. EVERYONE at some point in their lives was a beginner at or a newbie at something. Be kind. Nope, f -it, that's a foreign concept to some folks. Just be respectful and have some damn manners when issues dealing with newness, question-asking, and lack of understanding arise. 

I actually appreciate my Greekdom for this, I was taught the ropes by my sisters before entering the lion's den of interactions - but some of these groups fall into the hype of the confinement. In the real world you might just get wrecked talking like that.  Every space doesn't have basic training, and some of the ones that do don't prepare you for what really happens in the spaces being entered.

A good rule of thumb is, if you wouldn't do/say it at work/to a colleague - you don't bring that into any other space. I expect maturity at the end of the day and learning how to edit, revise, and censor BEFORE popping off is needed more these days.

III. Elitism

Being Greek some of the strongest affiliations I am a part of outside of that, seek to mimic significant parts of our tradition. I think one of the best unarticulated benefits (and comical because you can spot it) of being part of a Historically Black organization is that you are guaranteed to find people in other spheres that WANTED TO BE DOWN. 

Now, I say this because I'm an astute observer...I think I should have been a Sociologist actually but I'm sure there's a study on this...There's nothing wrong with it, but for me not all affiliations need the air of exclusivity they purport. 

This is something that comes more from the members within an affiliation feeling like they have something so great they want to:

a) shut people out of it

b) build a pedestal with a ladder where they can climb up, and view those are not affiliates from their perch

c) clown others who are not a part of it

d) create rituals, symbols, calls, or barriers of entry because you think this affiliation is the next order of illuminati secrecy worth all that

I am Greek, and there are things that most people will NEVER know. However, I always seek to promote, educate, and enlighten people regarding all of the affiliations I am a part of because I am proud and we do great things. Great people know great people (I hope) so why not share some knowledge instead of finding another way to try and be ABOVE another person?

Newsflash: all that exclusivity don't make you hot and there's no allure in your affiliation coming off  like an asshole. What is truly elite remains such regardless of how often it is imitated or referenced in knock-off fashion. Just ask all the "Ivy's of the..." bruh...{Quaker for life ;-)}

Affiliation Absolver

There are so many wonderful things about being an affiliate and part of an affiliation. The networking opportunities, new friends, new experiences, a community. Yet, in many of the spaces I move in I have these wonderful examples tainted by my observation of the things I noted above.  Communities may have their issues, but if awareness helps minimize issues spurred by by ego, pride, misplaced microagressions, and insecurity then I'm all for it.  

As an advocate for fulfilling affiliations, peaceful-prosperous-meaningful memberships, and a person who tries to be as empathetic as possible - I think this post can hopefully make affiliated spaces online and in real life better places. Now go forth, and affiliate in PEACE, or at least mute that shit in public.

The Black Modern Identity Crisis: Because it's not REALLY about Pattie's Pies or #PrayforFrance

On a vacation celebrating my 30th birthday abroad, I don't often (if ever) keep up with the news at home while I am away. It is a depressing thing and I go away be away from life as I know and live it. However, through my cursory scrolls after posting my photo updates and such, I noticed the newest social media sensation about a young man singing about pies. I did not investigate further because I was off from my American life...but I knew what would follow, because there are patterns to social media.
 

I woke up out of blurry eyed sleep to a barrage of "bzzzz; bzzzz; bzzz." And one FaceTime call. I answered the second in a pitch black dorm room, still trying to finish replying to all the messages asking if I was okay. I left Paris earlier that Friday morning. The attacks happened the same night that I was now fast asleep in Switzerland having spoken to my mother and aunt before going to bed. I serve an amazing God, and the outpouring of love and concern for me was a blessing in and of itself. Still I knew what would follow, because there are patterns to social media.
 

Saturday morning, Facebook asked me if I wanted to change my profile picture in solidarity with France. Considering I spent my 30th birthday, and the days before and after, walking miles around the city, posting my vantages of a place I've long known to be one of my favorites, and sharing how beautiful it was - I considered my solidarity, even considering the tragedy - done. I am blessed to have made it, but my constant travel in a world as unstable as ours is solidarity with everyone who lives and does not let fear rule; and I don't need a flag over my profile to prove that.
Of course, with so many profile pictures changed to France's flag overlaid multiple selfies, coupled photos, and a hodgepodge of seemingly comfortable 1st world people's profile pictures set off yet another series of what I am now calling: SMBs (Social Media Bickerings) between Black folk.
 

"I didn't see Facebook asking anyone to change their flags to Kenya after the student massacre in April."

"All of yall #prayingforParis weren't praying for Kenya"

"What about Lebanon?? Where's the coverage for that??"

Patti's pies also sold $2.3 Million that weekend before the attack, so because that was another thing for Black people, I decided it was time for me to put forth what I now know is the Black Modern identity (BMID) crisis.
 

We as Black people are living in a time when our value is consistently denigrated in virtually every facet of life - except (and you know what two things I'm going to say next... right?)...
 

Sports and entertainment. Even in those fields punishment is doled out differently for our kind than others (Brady vs Vick come to mind?). We as Blacks dominate all that is deficient: the achievement gap, the prison industrial complex, the wealth and income gap, high school graduation rates - you name the "not doing well" list and there we are hugging the bottom like the curvature of a spoon.
 

There is no REAL justice for us when our brothers and sisters get murdered without any reason and then smeared in the public media. I mean the police can kill you and months later you it comes out that you are the son of an illiterate heroin addict. But it was removed, right? The television shows promote to the latchkey kids (and those without strict media supervision) that having 100K followers on IG will get you a show; being a video vixen turned basketball/football girlfriend or ex-girlfriend is the come up; and the artists don't love themselves enough to simply live in the beauty God gave them without a knife, an injection, a shot or some "enhancements". There is no Black family outside of the newly created Blackish (thank God for that) a instead we have baby mamas, baby daddies, and side chicks glorifying their statuses as if marriage means nothing. Bitch, Ho and Nigga are the lingual currencies used predominantly to refer to one another in our popular culture. No one really wants love, but everyone is very willing, and able to f**k (just don't catch no feelings, and remember hoes ain't loyal!). If music wasn't popularly disseminated, or a low-key subliminal messaging tool it would just be music. Nonetheless my point is - ratchet is winning, and that is hard to dispute given these facts for our people.
 

Thus, the BMID crisis has pit the concerned conscious Black Americans against the socialized, popular culture du jour-loving lowest common denominator majority of Black Americans. Those who know the real history of our ancestry - that we are descendants of kings and queens whose wealth was world renown (the wealthiest man in HISTORY TO DATE was Mansa Musa). That we had spirituality that provided power in its practice and that it's NOT bad, satanic, or whatever other label religions like Voodun get. That Europeans appropriated the inventions of colored people the world over and said they "invented" it. These people who know these things and more ..or less (because I've seen a few tiffs against "Hotep" negroes who get some "facts" wrong) are the concerned conscious. The concerned conscious seem to be shocked, annoyed, angry, flabbergasted when those of the lowest common denominator do something like change their profile picture to France's flag.
 

Now, I watch these SMBs happening and I think they're comical for a few reasons. First of all, we just can't get it together in a public online space - and do some good. Even the posting of another country's flag is a source of DIVISION predominantly amongst people who on any given day can all be smoked by the cops for no good reason.
 

Secondly, I don't know if anyone who partakes in SMBs realizes but posting anyone's flag doesn't DO anything. That flag doesn't send money to anyone, that flag post doesn't create consciousness by visual osmosis, and it barely gets people to read about the inherent causes of these conflicts we find ourselves living through.
 

Third, I think the inherent flip-flopping of allegiance is the true source of the BMID crisis. We can't unify over ANYTHING and even the younger generation of students has internalized this fractitious divisive problem. We've been called African-American but there are those who deny having any ties to the Motherland. I read a comment on a friend's wall and a gentleman dark as night said "I'm not African. I can't really claim that." Now, I did some reading (because it's fundamental to things like this) and during the Civil Rights Movement there was a separatist disassociation with Africa - before folks started rocking Dashikis. At the highest levels, leaders made it known that we black people are AMERICAN as everyone else who was here. So a significant part of the crisis is are we pledging allegiance across the ocean to all matters of Black with our flag posts and calls for news awareness on the continent? Or when we say Black Lives Matter are we only talking about young men gunned down by police? Because there is a BIG difference.
 

I digressed a bit up there, but I'm back. SMBs...what do SMBs really accomplish in the end? They are passive aggressive, microagressions between the Black folk who feel/think/display ON MEDIA that our allegiance should be to people of color in crisis everywhere in the world - but especially the Motherland against and between the Black folk who simply feel/think/display allegiance ON MEDIA to whatever comes up on the feed because it's here, it's live, they care in some way, and its popular.
The BMID crisis that exists in and of itself is two parts shallow and one part extra deep. Like deepest Brazillian Remy Weave deep. It's two parts shallow because black people bicker on media about EVERYTHING. Shit. It's embarrassing to only see black folk come together for Thanksgiving Clapback memes (yes they were hilarious), Pope bars (those are funny too) and Black Twitter rants. However, none of this equates to our part of the Lowest common denominator Blacks spending a large part of that $2.6 Mill on pies because someone became a viral sensation singing about them. 

And I'm sure he could saannggg honey, but I can't say I care that much.
 

Not when black nonprofits shut down and can't serve our own kids because we DON'T donate to OUR causes. Not when Black Twitter can't rally the Millions in the coffers of its following to set up FOUNDATIONS that serve US. See, there's levels to everything - even consciousness. And if you noticed I called the crisis as existing between the concerned conscious and lowest common denominator...
 

As an observer to this BMID crisis, and as an active player in the change I want to see, what my own consciousness is telling me is that despite the structural racism that we are living in, we are headed to extinction. If we continue to let the external weights of structure and history bear down on our living, breathing present we are done for. Because I hate to break it to you, but Black folk as a collective can't get past how people SHOULD view us - even when we act a fool in public...and I mean the "public" noted above at length. We live a white supremacist society. That will never change. We are NOT the majority in population. There are rules to that game then and I'll break that down another time in another post. But the importance of coming together and doing the RIGHT thing (because there is right in a societal spectrum) is how you first enter the game as a player. Right now, and for a long time now we've been on the sidelines - asking, begging but not really doing much to get subbed in.
 

When Spirit Airlines is talking about "Bye, Felicia" in an ad and spinning our culture for dollars and we're not doing that (making our own $$ of our own terms) we're losing.
 

Regardless of who's flag you're posting.
 

When Black folk are mad about appropriation but not ensuring our REAL culture is valued in our own communities (READ: HBCUs, scholarships, theaters, artists) with OUR investments - or ensuring assets that mean something to us don't get sold to the next highest (White, Jewish, Italian, European, Asian) developer we're losing.
 

When Black folk love to change their profile photos to some flags to "stand in solidarity" with Africa, but don't adopt a baby in these countries, spend their travel dollars in any of the countries there - or even have a desire to go, learn them some history (past, present, or future) of an African country, invest, or even promote the cultural products of said place it's still nothing but visual service.
But the BMID crisis pits us against each other along trivial lines that still evade the facts. We have to come together and DO some shit. We need to be up in arms about ALL injustice on black bodies, regardless of who the perpatrators are (because in society's spectrum of right you gotta get your own house in order before you go throwing stones in another's - and that's one argument that gets thrown in the faces of black folk and the movement now). We need to call out the music industry for poisoning the minds of the youth who think it's normal to call a woman or a man out their name because that's all you hear now.
 

See, the choices (and opinions) that people are mad, annoyed, aggravated about mean absolutely NOTHING given the context of where WE are right now. These choices also reflect the lack of power black folk think they have. We have never been powerless, but white supremacy just knew how easy it was to destroy the community we so easily have for trivial nonsense but not for what matters.
Do you laugh at memes and partake in online hijinks of course. Just because one is conscious doesn't mean you can't be entertained (I've seen those posts too). However, the time is upon us to coalesce and use the power we keep wasting. Power is wasted on bickering in public spaces, on using our economic clout for nonsense given the weight of our plight and we need to FOCUS collectively.
Now before I read comments about "this opinion is part of the problem" Hol up, and wayaminute... If the truth can't be spoken that too is a problem. This is not shaming. This is pointing out realities that exist and we can't keep living like the Walking Dead. Walkers only respond to sound, if you are only responding to the sound of critique and critical analysis then you my friend are already walking dead.
Every person knows someone who is working on something for our kids, for our legacy to survive out here. SHARE THAT. At least once a week. I am a part of groups that have raised weighty sums for things...some noble things too. But without fail it's like when you mention a good cause to most black folk it just glazes over in the same space where people be so ready to pop off on the dumbest shit.
 

Just had to insert that because the innanets have people in their feelings...In the BMID crisis between the concerned conscious and those who are not, the problem inherently is that what does not truly matter has usurped what does for both sides. If you have a great job and you ain't donate to a classmate, you're not on a board of directors, you're just in your cushy life chillin - your number as a black person of privilege is numbered. You will have to fight doubly hard at the rate we are going now for your children to benefit. The old boy network is revoking passes now. Remember the police can get you at any time. You better get you The New Jim Crow and get active in something. If you stuntin for the gram and your bundles cost $200+ next time you get a new one take $20-30 and do something for the kids in your hood, for your own kids, support a sister you know trying to start a business. Your days may already be limited to stunting but God forbid the black side of the justice shaft comes your way you won't be stunting no mo'. And helping means you can contribute to something more than the Asian dude importing your hair. In fact the next time anyone gets the urge to come at a cause someone is posting about, or an opinion that hurts because some core of the message resonates with some aspect of your lifestyle -  LOOK for a black cause to support online - they're every damn where I promise you, on the struggle bus to get to a goal that is easily feasible. Or go to the mirror, look at yourself and question WHY on God's beautiful world you are magnifying an OPINION and in your damn feelings. Because you  clearly have time to troll and share that with the world. If we could spend 1/4 of our time doing this we would see some changes in our community and in ourselves #selfimprovementforall. Or maybe this is too much to ask? 

It always seems like asking for action is too much and that inherently makes me sad. Because for all those protesting on the innanets we could be doing some very powerful things. With our clicks, with our dollars, with our culture...but we could easily remain the walking dead...
 

We need to GET our lives and those of our children. We need to bring it on in. We need to focus. We need to learn. Because as the outside watches us hypocritically deal with each other, we will never be taken seriously enough to even gain an invite the table of the justice we want because we can't even practice it on small levels with each other. We need to GET our lives...because our existence depends on it.

29 for 29: TDA's List

I've read so many lists about things to do by 30, things you realize in your late twenties, and things to know, myths debunked, thoughts unraveled by a certain age - that something dawned on me. So much of our lives are regulated by lists and what other people think or articulate WE should do or be by a certain time. Now between Buzzfeed, Thought Catalog, Huffington Post, Forbes and whatever other major website for life you visit...and believe dictates a part, sum, or snippet of your own lived experience - I am personally all about celebrating where I am.

I've read these lists and I agree with a lot of what they've said. But in talking to one of my sisters about my upcoming 30th a few months ago about what I hadn't yet accomplished (namely a romantic relationship) she said to me "yeah but you're living other people's dreams right now - you travel, your work schedule is better than most and you're fine!" It's funny that she put it that way and when I entered my 29th year I created the #fine29 hashtag to commemorate the last year of my 20s.

So I got to thinking. In this list and socially comparative culture we live in (damn FOMO! That Facebook feed sometimes, I tell you...) we're subconsciously setting ourselves up for constant measures and benchmarks formulated by others who don't know our personal stories; retain a cultural view that is different from ours (how many times have you wondered about references and just glossed over like "mmmk missed that memo"); have no idea what we've been through; and will most likely never be in our shoes. So I decided to make a list of 29 things I've accomplished, learned, and accepted in the time I've been here on the planet.... And coming up with this was fun because I was able to come from abundance. I wasn't comparing myself against a list; and turns out I have done a lot so far! I've realized these lists don't often have room for too much adversity, diversity, or cultural realities and so I loved making this for that reason too. So without further ado in celebration of the life I've lived up until now in the #fine29 since I've been here...in no order of importance is my 29 things I've done by 29!

1) Ridden a Harley motorcycle, climbed two volcanos, and slept in the desert. 

 It was for a few residential blocks (not in this country) but it was cool to be on a classic when I rode the Harley! Cue: "Born to be Wild." But I realized the power of sharing and asking questions. That's how most adventures begin. Adventure is amazing, I never thought I was this person who could like nature. Yet, adventures have taught me that I can do anything once if I truly want to - and a part of me wants to! Adventure time is real and it's pretty cool to know I have and will keep accruing them in my life.

2) Been a speaker on a panel. 

So far I've been on 3-4 and I love sharing/networking. I feel one of the detriments of our society is we don't share more of things we learn from to help and commiserate with others. No one is truly alone in what they go through but only forums like panels help to make that clear. For me, the opportunities mean I'm on my way and I sincerely enjoy public speaking.

3) Been fired.

It happens and not always for reasons that are your fault, but sometimes it is. I've had both and it's put me right where I want to be professionally. Ironically after the first time it gets easier because you realize the shade is real. Insecurity can be actualized in the form of something you won't walk away from and doors don't just open, they close too. Insecurity also manifests in the form of others hating, judging, and disrespecting you. Knowing the difference is key, but walking away to better things is what turns the lock.

4) Created and sold products that are mine. Every project of creation that I have done taught me that I love the process of creating. I'm a natural saleswoman, and someone out there (a few I would suppose) actually LIKE what I've created - it feels amazing and it feeds my hustler spirit. I never really embraced the artist in me until I realized art is creation and creation is what makes the world go round. Of course, when times are rough I have some rainy day funds to cover my head and keep me dry though which is always a plus.

5) Helped someone in need just because. I've carried strollers up stairs, told blind folk what stop we were at, and given food and dollars out. In NYC it's easy to be immune but a little good gives a great feeling and you never know who you're saving with a small gesture. The strangers, crazies and other ransoms love speaking to me despite the NY screw face I thought I mastered - but maybe my purpose that day was to spread some light in a cold, dark place.

8) Cursed out the bill collectors and received compensation.

Look. I work really hard and most of the time I don't mind mishaps but when I have to do more work for someone else's fuck up that deals with my life then it's a real problem. I do NOT ever condone going ham out the gate but sometimes this red tape stuff takes you there and as an avid consumer and purveyor of customer service I will call you out on it. It's also made me more vigilant of my accounts because the swindle is real and people are being bamboozled. If you pay something off KEEP THOSE PAPERS FOREVER! If they are at fault make them pay...I've hung up and called back with different approaches too but sometimes people don't get you until you get hype - meet PepperAnne ;-)

9) Followed my instinct without "approval."

I've been in many situations people would consider precarious but I usually seek counsel from someone on my team...but instincts and intuition are real. Your body sends signals when danger is afoot but you just have to know to trust yourself and be realistic, honest and open-minded. I've gotten some great opportunities doing this and I don't regret any of them. I've also realized that not everyone is equipped to really weigh in...if you're not on my level of course not. If you just met me, I don't even see you. There is also the reality that as many people that have called me brave, courageous, and inspirational - I really am just doing my best to LIVE my life and not have my life WORK me. The knowledge that most people are hooked onto this machine called the matrix, don't take risks, live in fear, and believe major forms of fake hype also discounts many opinions about things that instinctively I could figure out.

10) Found my passion and talents. 

I am a Scorpio and yes I am passionate. I know my strengths and weaknesses. However, I took the TIME to figure myself out. For everyone that claims to be aimless in life, not sure what they want, or what they stand for (both good and bad), they haven't invested time in themselves. Most people are afraid to be alone. Many people would rather be unhappy and miserable with someone else for anything: a relationship, a party, travel, etc. before being in their own thoughts and company. When I found my passion and talents I thought a lot. I went out to things that could've gone either way in terms of interest and learned what I liked, and eventually found what I loved - outside of anyone else's opinion. I was also born alone. We all are. Even twins come out one at a time. 

11) Followed my passion where it leads me.

I work on many things and people always say they're impressed, but I only want to do what makes me happy, what will provide a financial support system for my lifestyle, and what is important to Me Inc. And yes sometimes I don't sleep as much as I should and sometimes I'm MIA but when I look at how everyone else is moving and shakin in their situations I don't feel so bad lol. If I don't sleep a few days to put my best foot forward it's always noticeable ... We have concealer for the under eye circles after all ;-) You never know at what point or in what manner you'll shine your brightest when you're in pursuit of your passion. Find that pulse and see what you can beat out of it. Figure out what you love and/or like...you know a hobby? It's about to be a new year -you can flip that into some gas money in the least (especially at these prices!). Maybe you'll meet your next mentor...possibilities are endless... 

12) Continued my education.

The minute you stop learning about yourself, about what you want, and about your environment is the moment you stop growing and become obsolete. Our brains can constantly acquire new things so why not stretch that? It doesn't have to be a degree related thing (but you know I got those ;-) lol but edification of self is the best investment ever. This includes welcoming and asking for critique - continuing to be educated means that you want to be better and you can't do that without knowing what you DONT KNOW and being (very) OK with that...

13) Owning Me Inc.

"She has this IDGAF attitude about her." Someone who disliked me once said this and it was the REALEST way someone could have described me. I've invested more solo time and introspection than a lot of other people. I know this because other people's opinions of me are SINCERELY none of MY business. I OWN Me Inc. that means I know every nut, bolt, cog and functional machinery in this body and brain. I've been with myself longer than anyone who has known me. People who do not know how to deal with their own feelings will call you names. People who claim to know you (and even those who actually do) will describe you in ways you haven't heard before or that are unpopular when you look back on how many times you've been called those things (statistics have applications in real life after all). When people feel conflicted with parts of You Inc. they don't like, know, or understand they react. Let them. Most people are reactionary. Someone taps the knee, and there's a response. When you own who you are however there is little that others can say about your character and personality that will cause you to kick your knee up. Even if the knee goes up in that instant, the feeling won't last long because you know your company better than anyone else. All great people know who they are, and most of the time if it doesn't fall in the realm of development for benefit (and many criticisms from people do NOT fall in this category) it rolls off my back.

14) Healed/healing a broken heart.

I have dealt with many people thinking they could give me what I want but I didn't know what I really wanted. So you catch feelings and run with an idea...which are conscious decisions. It is a fixation. You select who you give your attention to. People take kindness for weakness (not just romantically), and it hurts. But I've learned that pain is part of life and learning to love yourself and be okay being in your OWN company is the best preparation to deal with others. A firmly rooted tree won't sway when fickle or temporary conditions (aka people,situations, circumstances) pass through. It's also NECESSARY to mourn, be sad, and be HURT. I've remained optimistic, caring, kind and mindful which have helped me heal the wounds I earned in the battle of life thus far - but I know I'm a wounded warrior. I'm not trying to be Rambo out here, glistening with mad cuts and bruises. This is real life and it's a process. Healing is also continual for me. The major pieces are picked up and patched up and it's helped me grow in love for myself and others.

15) How to improve things for my greater good.

I am all about a goal. Setting it, meeting it, and making a new one. I don't have everything all figured out but because I set intentions about what I want to specifically accomplish that will help me be better, wiser, and mature - I do it. Things like savings (because now that I have one, I want to double it in a few months); improving my self-discipline to increase my self-care routine (that is a hard one but I am taking steps!) and other "adult" things it feels amazing to be grown when you have your eyes set on #grownfolkgoals.

16) Started over...and then kept starting over.

I've moved across the country to Dallas, back to New York and when in these places, I also moved around and kept resetting. My comfort and pockets are very important considerations for me and as people called me brave for doing all this - I never saw it that way. If something must be done to jumpstart a stalemate and get some kinetic energy in your life I'm all for it. Life is to be lived and nowhere in that did it say YOU need to stay tied down to anything that isn't what you dream, envision , or can get for yourself. People confine themselves within systems that are already confining and then look at the world with the Kanye face: "HOW?!" I just do it. We didn't all have friends close by all the time and now it's hard for me to see most of them without a date! Most people don't want to hit reset because they're waiting for Superman in the form of a friend or opportunity to start over. I don't believe in Praying Until Something Happens (PUSH), that's passive faith. I believe in praying for the lanes to be clear as I switch in and out of them. That's active faith. Starting over doesn't feel so scary if you have the spirituality support you need.

17) Asked for help.

I am not always asking for help but I do know how to wave the white flag. Being vulnerable is a sign of strength. It's harder to ask and hope to get what you need than to say nothing and suffer internally. Professionally this has been even more apparent as a needed skill than ever before.  

18) Gotten out of debt in some major ways.

I own my car!!!!! Candy (my baby's name) is allllll mine and it feels absolutely wonderful! I don't want to trade her in I just don't want a car note anymore! I can't believe 5 years went by so fast - but I felt better than a slave on Juneteenth when I paid that last payment! I've also taken a hard line look at credit card debt and most of the time when I am crying broke it's because I have a 99.8% on time payment rate, always above the minimum balance, with the goal of $0 balance for ALL cards (1 more left!) by the spring. I was in this space of bad credit when I graduated from college and ever since I took up a Macy's seasonal job way back when to handle it, I've looked at debt differently. Truly though I also look at shopping and consumerism differently.

19) Lost friends.

I used to read that as you got older you would lose people along the way. But everyone isn't meant to be around forever and there are plenty of blogs and posts on this. It hurts at first but now that I think about my schedule, all of it couldn't be maintained realistically - so the core group has lasted in the decade range now - we're family at this point. I'd rather have a core group that work under a barter system like a tribe anyway that way we're all adding to each other. I had to learn why it fell by the wayside too -because there's a lesson in everything. But you and life goes on when this does happen and the hurt/anger/whatever you feel subsides over time.

20) Smiled because someone pointed out I wasn't doing that (or laughing even when your day is shitty).

I am an around the way girl with lots of class...so my corner store guys know me and I'm around...the ...way. Sometimes I am chided to smile and it happened recently. It was a homeless guy and I told him thank you and replied with a smile. I have a nice one if I do say so myself (my manager said it was a million dollar smile so I bought Colgate optic white to protect that investment nah mean?! Lol). But it's free to do that and someone cares enough to yield a reaction out of you that is positive, nonintrusive, and warm... We need more of that. I could be in a coffin and I actually was reminded of how quickly you can wind up in a cadaver while in a flurry the other day. Step outside yourself. Smile. There's always at least ONE reason no matter how small!

21) Moved back home.

So it's NYC and as much as I soo would love to flex with all of yall, I did that apartment and rent thing when I first graduated + 2 times over. I'm good. "No, dude I just met you can't come through (thank God);" "Yes I am hungry (thanks auntie for cookin)"; and I can actually save (for the American Dream and more!). It takes a certain amount of humility and patience to move back home but it's for the greater good of 'me enterprises.' My friend told me she read something recently that 35 and under don't save as much. Um duh you got Sallie Mae like a pimp called slickback regulating on that check, so many barriers to move in, and it's just expensive. It's always hard going back home and that is a whole other blog post. But um I don't even have it like that and I'd much rather use it to be on a plane at this point ...which is how I made it happen these past 2 years. I can probably expense this ;-). There is also an aspect of being around - but not (because I'm out a lot) that I know my mom likes...as all my immediate elders who raised me get old it's the little conversations that will keep them when I do move on and out and knowing they can hit me up for any favor (even if I moan about it or don't want to do it). It also feels nice to see my mom's smile when I return from a trip and know that I was missed. They gave me room to be so I have to honor that. Being at home has become much less of a stress because I have humbled myself to realize this.

22) Been on some nonconformist sh*t.

I love Turkish pop music. I love Madonna. I love konpa. I love art. I love physical books. I don't work a traditional 9-5. I make body butters. I go hard for the kids. Sometimes even I say who am I? And you are so multi-layered it's crazy, who made you? But man the mainstream is for those who want to be passive viewers to life, living vicariously through people they will never be, see, or meet for the most part. There are so many people making money, living the life they WANT - I can't afford to NOT be one of them. You wouldn't know because the point of media is so you don't. But watching enough TV has revealed jobs that were clearly made up and ran with. A lifestyle entrepreneur - shoot sign me up!!! This is the teething period of success and I would rather know I'm a tastemaker and influencer in real life because people will be following me soon... Also, mainstream conformity is sooo pedestrian now. I don't really care what Kourtney's 3rd baby is or the name I'm trying to go half on an incorporation, before I find her to distribute these body butters at Dash. 

23) Used my singleness to my advantage, but having space to want more.

So many times being single is about acceptance and reassurance - how about education though? As single as I've been I don't think I would've been with any of the dudes I've encountered in past romps. But they did teach me some things though (wink, wink). I love being treated, I like free.99, I like to imbibe and in my mind I'm usually on a runway - any questions?? I do what and whom I want and if you didn't make the cut join the line (everyone can't have what they want). It's been taking people up on these offers, using single to learn what it is that I like (and don't) in all forms but more importantly to articulate that as an adult with a calm and cool head. But loneliness creeps in and that's okay. I've just learned to be alright with feeling that I want a great love someday and I can still hope for it and work on me until I get it. And having fun is just that - fun. Although it's less than I used to indulge in and my version of "fun" has changed a lot, forever is long and I'm not ready for that tomorrow either. So it may be my birthday, I may flash a smile and I have no problem getting to know you for whatever moment we share in space in time but the moment I leave this sphere of single it would have been after fully appreciating my single, sexy, and sweet life of treats, adventures, and randomness showered upon me at the behest of a friendly smile.

24) Meditate/explore my spirituality/connect with myself.

I'm not there yet as someone who does it everyday or anything but I have started to slow and calm my brain down. There are a lot of whizzing things and moving parts in there but it's important to be still. Listening is active but in a different way and the universe sends us messages through our environment. I also lean on faith A LOT. Listen any day, any moment, any instance can take you to any other level than where you are, be it up or down...so you have to pay that rent on earth by making sure you do what you like in some way and are around reinforcements of that. At least so we're all less miserable when you aren't happy (aka why misery loved company). I also think that God/universe/Allah/whoever or whatever you believe in will test how much you believe.?What do you do when uncertainty and adversity come at you? That's the only constant everyone can bet on honestly. Not a person, place or thing is as sure as this fact. The only variable remains us and how we react. Do we adapt? Is it fight or flight? We control this but it takes a strong core of self to acknowledge where you are astray and to dig deeper into your understanding of whatever dogma you prescribe to. Every class of people has one even if you're an atheist but going deeper to expand the breadths depths of why you are that and the counter points is what helps us make sense of the crazy in our own lives. I'm still in this space but I love it because it's abundance and presence keeps on speaking within me with different circumstances. And it always works out. 

25) Learned that 25 wasn't as big a deal as I though it would be.

I swore I would almost have a ring by that time. But it comes around so fast and there are so many things I had envisioned accomplishing before I was living my life. I love it now but people put emphasis on so many of these "milestones" that aren't doing much but making us feel like we're social retards, behind some trend, and not doing well enough for society's standards. Did I really have a "quarter life crisis"? It wasn't such a crisis in the end. Guess what. Fuck society. We can't even get paid out here. Don't call me old cuz I'm 30! And yes I have to slow it down just a little bit but this the only frame I got to ride man lol...it happens. I can still hang and get that check worse come to worse ijs! And if I was married already or engaged - damn. I just can't imagine living someone else's life is my point here. If you are 25 and married do you boo!! I'm not even mad! I just...don't succumb to social pressure and aggravation anymore (just ask my mom and family - I give them the mirror curve with that like where's YOUR boyfriend?!).

26) Been open minded.

I always get the question why are you going there? Or why you doing that? And well I never have a REAL reason except why not? There's no real loss in discovering you don't like something. There's everything to be gained in knowing you don't like said thing and that the experience isn't for you. Being open minded has been one of the most crucial ways I've found success. 

27) Cuddled in the full Monty; gone to 3rd1/2 base......and saying NO.

I don't do sex just because. Trust me this is candid enough that it made the list but I realized that many women feel powerless in the bedroom and with partners - I recently had a situation where it happened and this is very real. Let me break it down like this: someone will always and I mean always want the goods. Cute, ugly, rich, poor, smart, dumb. You can't possibly want/need/feel pressured to do something you don't want to and it's okay to say NO.  Now I have been in ONE sticky situation but thankfully not more seriously dangerous or threatening ones. As a woman I don't play too much in this area and I'm honest - but I think this is where wires get crossed. Ladies stop saying that playful ass "Nooo" when he gets excited to that point of no return (we all know what that looks like). If you know you're not going to do anything! Just giggle and bat your eyelashes but the word no is confusing because we say it but don't mean it...but I'm not in that class. It is nice though to experience something other than sex. I just feel like so many people are casually doing it, that it has lost its meaning - so if cuddling is what it is and there are no strings I have come to like that...a whole lot! Maybe I'm just a sucka, but cuddling is powerful.

28) Traveled and sacrificed for it.

I have been all over the world and I love it. But what gets me the most is how people perceive it to be different from any other thing in life that is desired. Everyone has their priorities. Some people like shoes (and I do have a lot of them because that used to be it!); some people like bags; others like to eat out. For me travel is the thing that I must do. I think I realized its importance when that was the talking point that got me my very first job out of college. If traveling means I don't do group dinners every month or so then so be it. Being in the world is such a beautiful thing it is worth a few sacrifices. I've always come back richer and with more love for humanity because of it...

29) Stopped comparing, stopped over-feeling, and matured in waiting.

Everyone is living their own life with their own issues and accomplishments. It would be unrealistic to compare where I am with where anyone else my age is because we're all different. I know people younger than me who I look up to! When comparing stops gratitude, appreciation, and knowledge exchanges set in. 

I also had to learn that everything isn't personal. I used to get upset easily but I realized most of what I felt had something to do with an issue I had independent of what was going on. It feels so good to be able to rationalize how you feel before creating tensions and situations that don't need to exist. I've found that most feelings come from disappointment, dependence, or insecurity. Most of us have expectations that we don't even realize coming from these spaces and place them on others. Discernment is the difference. Not anymore. Patience means I can wait to understand and assess before I address anything that may not be a big deal. I wait to see if patterns are developing...I think working as a manager this summer really helped me realize the importance of observation and analysis before sharing. 

Waiting provides a lot of clarity. Thankful that when there's no comparison, there's no rush to meet someone else's timeline; feelings can be controlled and understood for what they really are and represent; and time has become valuable as a learning tool instead of a race. Good things come to those who wait

Here's to 30 and what other lessons lie ahead!!

Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself: Comeback Inspiration (Live From the Park)

Maintaining blogs is hard work. That Damn Anne! was dormant for a long while and I have no excuses, I am just glad to be back to this. Life has continued to press and impress upon me many things. Thus the forces around me have also pushed me to continue to share. Sharing builds community, sharing is therapeutic, sharing is fun. All the things that writing is for me. No one is alone in their experience, and so if you have any experience with my blog feel free to comment, forward, share, and/or follow. I was having fun thinking about coming back to this, and I dabble in some rhyming with my artistic friends, so in that vein I wanted to share some rhymes on light (this is certainly not me "spittin bars" but it's just some inspiration that came to me while outside on a sunny summer day...

Comeback Inspiration

I know it's been a long time...

So I wanna come back with some

Dope funny rhymes

See life's been good and

I'm grateful to be here

But you already know

We grind out chea

View is pretty dope

On my park flow

Gettin zen vibes

Seein the sun glow

Since I been gone

From this platform

Been gettin my skills up

Rhymin' ain't the only one

Stamps been added in the book all crazy

I'm Carmen Sandiego, my passport made me

See something new, make it do what it do

Party - hike - chill - travel weave new-new!

And I flipped some business

You better get a witness

My stock is on the rise

Roller coastin through this life

When it's low, when it's high

It's all about the team by your side

I done been through a lot and have some good news

I'm making it despite le struggle and so to will you!

You know I'm back to share what life's been dealin'

It's been a hell of a hand, and trust life been preachin'

Just wanted to share a small new discovery,

To help engage you readers see,

That Damn Anne! and she is me.

Just a small snippet of what's about to come

But it's gettin a little nippy so I got to run

I'll be back, sign up, and just stay tuned

This is That Damn Anne! signing off x's and o's boos!

The Development of the Single-Persona, and the Audacity of Hope

I'm single and while most women can definitely commiserate with the fact that it gets old - no matter how many Buzzfeed quizzes and Huff Post articles tell you it's good for you, healthy, and you're better off for it - I haven't ever shared publicly just how old it's gotten for me. I've shared stories of why my personality may have rendered me dead to dating and how much texting is also not my thing (way before it became THE method of "getting to know" a person). Of course, I have even more entertaining stories from the dating file and this one actually lends itself to hope and why it's so hard to hold onto it these days...

I've been single for yearsssss (each 's' in that is analogous to 2 years) and part of that was perfectly okay since I was young and had my prerequisite fun and partial sexual education in my early-mid 20s. But at this point - being single for so long has gotten old...So old in fact that my singleness has developed a pubescent persona that formed alongside my ego. Upon further introspection of the creation of my single-persona, environmental factors heavily influenced its genesis. Living at home (you KNOW that will be a post on it's own) and the desire for physical touch and warmth from a man were the top two things driving this persona. The third thing (and hardest to actually admit) was the inescapable fact that somewhere deeply lodged in my brain was (and still is I guess) a hopeless romantic squishy, noisy, thing that emits squeaks of glee and warmth at any sign of what I call "coincidental non-factors" that could be linked to more than coincidence if only dude became a factor...I'll elaborate on that another time. Also still up in the air is the name of my single-persona because like all things at least I can laugh at it right? (Btw, suggestions are welcome!) The best analogy though would be SPIDERMAN::VENOM as HOPE::SINGLE-PERSONA. 

Enter one chagrin-inducing moment and why I realized that just holding on to hope requires bungee cords, safety nets, a bit of therapy and a litany of saints to support it. What is about to be recounted is a synopsis and the mental processing that happened way afterwards (because I am a woman who like many women is always thinking even after the fact). For your reference, anything in parentheses moving forward are what came to mind, or that toy lodged deep in the recesses calling out.

I had recently come back from a trip and had a wonderful experience. Said trip was even more special because I met someone. This someone happened to live in Brooklyn - close to where I grew up and about 15 minutes from my house (around the way girl alert - path for escape alert #1). As group trips go there was plenty of fun, drinks, and hanging out for the group but within all that there was a connection to this someone. It went a lil something like this...

From the first night until the last night there was endless late night convoconcuddle (Spanglish for deep convo with cuddling and umm who knew I was actually a sapio-sexual until now??); there were doubts from everyone in the group including ourselves that we hadn't known each other prior to the trip (the words "this is crazy" got uttered regularly; romance-detectometer on mid-high level at the sheer irony, awww shit! SQUEAK); there was lots of affection (I always wanted this! But when you get it without begging, chasing, looking, and anticipating it's like getting the exact gift you wanted for Christmas as an adult - because 1. we don't get gifts and 2. we never want the gifts we get, merry merry squeak); there was natural-reaching hand holding (hopeless romantic DOWN! Code extra-sticky sap molasses clean up crew needed! And there are different degrees of hand-holding you got the reach kind...SQUEeaaaakkk!); and something else we both agreed on was that nothing felt forced, rehearsed or fake (le swoon for a guy with some character and care, yes gawwdd!). 

It was definitely something new in more ways than one, and while there was more - there was NOT sex. I've traveled. A lot. One thing I've never done was have sex abroad...and not because I'm not a sexy, caramel tenderoni who hasn't been approached (obvi) - but I've never built a real connection with a dude while traveling enough to feel compelled to do all that (and in this case I think I began to anticipate the build up to doing it later - which is new....And to be honest I have had, and can get plenty of casual sex at home with people I know I wont be hearing from, in random places without adding the potential 'Taken,' locked up abroad, or unknown disease sharing pitfalls that could play out in these scenarios. But overall - not doing it was a buffer for my velvety soft ass heart that is already fragile from all the fragments I put back together bit by bit. It wasn't about doing it so much as it was about being in the moment and capitalizing on (what for me was) a crazy, sexy, cool connection (TLC lyrics made so much more sense after this...yasssss for rebounded 90s soundtrack relevance!). This someone also wasn't pressed which was perfect for me.

I know that travel is inherently something that is for a moment and this experience fit in perfectly. Notwithstanding the transience of it all - after feeling such wonderful feelings in an alternate yet authentic reality full of rainbows and waterfalls as a daily backdrop (literally the bows were flexin') - who wouldn't want to tap some of that sap occasionally in this forsaken rat-race called New York City?? I'm not going to say there was hope for some tell-tale 0-100 wifed up real quick scenario because truth be told that's not me - and my dusty relationship resume confirms that (imagined scene at Love's Office: Head Heart Matcher Manager: "Umm last place of substaintial relations mam?//Me: "ummm back when AIM was just ending, Facebook was just starting, and people used cell phones to call":: END SCENE). There was hope however, of sustaining some part of that experience...

The chagrin came from the single-persona making its ascension felt and agitations of the heart from days past. What seems to be persistent in most fleeting moments of sparked connectivity is the heart wants to feel that feeling - hell at least one of them if only for a moment again; to see that acknowledgement somehow manifested in a message, a chill session, outreach on local territory - anything to weaken the single-persona and demonstrate that even though it's been long: it won't be soon before long until there is a connection that isn't under 90 days, 60 days, 30 days. And we are used to instant gratification, you're one drag and drop green dot away from being available when you just had that "busy" status right??  The glimmer of hope that you can at least finally discuss A [as in 1; singular; uno; not the rotation because even the subs are acting up] person at length without wanting to put your foot in your mouth to your besties. The hope that you wont have to worry about another Houdini vanishing on you after an ignored text (because it always starts with an ignored text-ughhhh. I. Hate/Loathe/Despise. Those. Shits.) But these are the reasons hanging on to hope is harder than winning the lottery. 

The bombardment of messages telling us as Black, educated women that there are not really any men out there for us x the messages that marriage is happening less/way later + the constant thirst (another post coming soon) that has all but bulldozed the art of courtship and really spending time/putting in work getting to know a person = The desire of time to chill seeming in and of itself a demand of the highest order.  Connections in physical spaces and in real time are generally not prioritized and valued as much these days.

I caught myself (or maybe this was the single-persona devil) wishing I didn't have this experience with this someone. It would've been so much easier to go on another trip, see and do some dope shit, come home, and go about my business as usual...and we won't talk about the fact that personally I ABHOR trails (photos) and evidence of any encounters of even the slightest significance. Reminders (even more photos) suck dirty, sweaty, hairy ass balls (and that's actually part me + part single-persona talking). But some friends had to remind me that yes - when you don't get the response you want WHEN you want it (or ever) it is defeating and deflating but there was the experience. Ahh that thing, experience (no squeaks for this. Heart ty does not enjoy now being back in my recessed corner).

I actually think I have the best team of man-cheerleaders on my side...They're all excited about a wedding that I'm convinced will happen because they say it will! But the best therapy for my heart was actually writing this....I know tons of women who are absolutely great and have remained open and been hanging on longer than that front tooth dangling on the last nerve before it finally...falls...out. I feel guilty sometimes for being in my feelings (because being single isn't the worst thing, heart toy lets out a deflated huff of air) but for me at that point singleness feels like a bid. Caught in a hailstorm of ratchetness, whackness, and shallowness...going in the opposite direction of everything else in your life. I feel like being a phone person makes me a dinosaur. I felt like not having the desire for casual sex puts me at a disadvantage (sometimes, most times I'm happy I dodged an added notch and bullshit stream of bullets - but still). 

I love myself and go on solo dates all the damn time but can I get an impromptu chill with someone I actually want to create combustible chemistry with (that buildup has so much potential to be too good)?? But even if it's hard to hold on to hope for all these reasons + being a Scorpio of the highest order and emotional by nature - I'm glad I got to experience some of what I've always said I wanted in some small way. For so long it was just an articulation but never seen in action - like a unicorn. Single-persona makes you forget how it feels to be held and paid attention to - it almost becomes like a mirage. You wind up watching The Notebook hoping that someone writes you an actual letter at least once a month or at least professes their love via a verbose text message that you will most-likely NEVER get (is it guy code not to exceed 3-lines of text message?); or maybe Brown Sugar waiting for that friend to mix all your old school favorites on a tape or burn you a CD and serenade their love to you in song lolol. (mild squeak: I know I'm not the only hopeless romantic left out here!) I swear RomComs are endorsed by Tinkerbell's love fairy sprinkling extra-sugary concocted visions of romance. But single-persona has a way of confounding hope, feelings, and expectation. Hell a lot of people in "relationships" have single-persona dancing all up in their shit - but I won't go into fraud. Single-persona will have you thinking you know what you're talking about in dating discussions when in reality you need to have a stadium full of seats (I make sure to disclaim my opinions as just that with my veteran single ass).

Holding on to hope was recently made harder though because I got a glimpse of it up close and personal. That's the closest it's been since about 2000-someolwayback. Holding on to hope was made heavier than an anvil because I have, in a lot of ways, just shut off that part of myself...I needed to just pray in church because I didn't want to feel anything, remember anything and I definitely took it there since it's a job for Jesus anyway. Hanging on to hope is made arduous in the context of simplicity too. The desire for connectivity is something that I love in any form but at the level above platonic/networking side - can't say I've had more than tumbleweeds passing through.

I'm sure I'll have it again - and I know I will have it again (claiming it!). Author note: at the time of publishing it appears said moment was frozen in time and nothing came of it - despite the low-lying hope that it would. Deep down I'm just a sucker for things I like and as an entrepreneur I'm used to figuring out what to do to get the results I want. But this realm is not just about me and even my ego has grown icy. People's schedules (I promise you're not busier than me), the "rules" (you know you can't keep reaching out cuz then you'll be the thirsty one!) and the nonprioritized, uncategorized, and undervalued lane of keeping special moments going with some sort of regularity has been lost in the age of short ass attention spans, egotism, and people-juggling... so I'll just keep going about my business. 

I'll be lighting some candles, praying to every saint of love I can Google, consulting with the team when I need a laugh and whatever else I have to do to keep my hope alive. As a classmate of mine noted: discussions on dating will be when I take my restroom/drank in my cup re-up/ and social media inspirational quote breaks.

I guess the glimpse of hope I got on this trip was a preview of the coming attractions for my love life? I'm hopeful it was...and I hope everyone can have a hopeful moment and experience some glimpse of what they want in authenticity...it feels GREEAAAATTTT and just as corny as Tony the Tiger - I promise (especially if there are witnesses and gushing of any sort occurs).  Sadness may be looming somewhere when the moment passes but sometimes a reminder of why you're hopeful, holding on and hanging on is good. I used to think feeling anything was bad - but feeling is good if you can learn from it. I know there were some insecurities that I acquired in this single history and I also am aware that single-persona can be a runaway train (thank you LAWD for girl-talk!). But if it can happen once and feel so amazing - even if for only a brief moment - then- it will surely happen again...and single-persona needs a little spot check every now and again especially since it wont be around forever.