The GettinOld Blues

I'm 25. And it seems like leading up to this point and very much thereafter I'm beginning to feel the signs of age wearing on me.

I know I'm young. Very. Young. But only 3 months to 26, and I can't help but take to my blog to see if I'm the only one experiencing these pitfalls of GettinOld. I'll break it down into the 3 areas that I hear old ppl talk about: physical ailments, internal maladies, overall deterioration.

Physical Ailments

I've always loved to dance. At the club, at a bbq, anywhere there's music I'm guaranteed to dance solo, with friends, or whatever.

Upon turning 25 however, I fear that I can no longer drop it like it's hot. My thighs be BURNIN!

"Somebody call 911/Shorty's fire burnin on de dance flaww oo wooo"

Literally. Burning. The heels add a whole other variable to that burnin equation...

I've always only had a 4 hour maximum with my shoes, post-25 that 4 hour maximum has gone on to include:

no walking to the club in heels (to save the knees and balance ratio)
no unnecessary dancing to songs I have no affinity for (to save the heel stamina and prevent unnecessary sweating)

Sweat: an outfit's worst enemy has now become a standard part of my partying experience.

I remember when I NEVER used to sweat. It had to be at least 95 to get some bead formation on my forehead.

Now. It happens TOO MUCH. In CREVICES. BEFORE I'm done getting dressed. Like Whitney I sweat above my lips. ::Shakes fists in the air:: WHY??!! Has my internal thermometer really set off to this degree.

Sadly. It has.

Internal Maladies
I used to drink like a fish. If drinking was a sport I would have probably come up with at least a Bronze Medal considering my weight class and ability to tank the alcohol without any repercussions except your standard young person hangover.

Now. I can't even digest it as fast as I would like to drink it. Drinking has become a planned event in my social calendar. I have to plan to be fucked up, because the next day effects require my full and undivided attention.

From getting rid of the bile and that ghastly stomach feeling. Ick. To sleeping off the tiredness that ensues. UGH. To calculating when the best time to eat is, along with the appropriate meal (the grease ratio MUST be minimal). To being able to drink water without it tasting sweeter than it should - just being DONE is an event in and of itself that has to have a day after sequel.

I've never been keen on patience and I'm likening this to an internal malady because it's a mental thing. My fuse has shortened by a LOT. Considering it was already short, I am quite sure this isn't a good thing for anyone. Least of all me. But how do I even work on this? I'm only GettinOld out here...

Overall Deterioration
I just be tired. I move a little slower. And I need naps.

Makes adventure-having pretty hard but I've been managing.

I also have been trying to walk myself back into shape. As a petite young lady I know I "look" fit but these internal maladies have got to have some abatement somewhere...and maybe being in shape is the key...

Recovery time is a bitch....luckily I'm in good company when I'm hungover most of the time lol.

I don't even want to be naive about the fact that we all have to get old. I just NEVER thought I would FEEL it at 25!! I thought my legs would start burning at 30 maybe 28 on my more pessimistic days. Maybe it's something in the food we ate coming up that caused this? Since the kids now are overgrown maybe our insides were stunted on the quest to put hormones in these animals....

Dayyuuummmm! All I know is shit is real out here. But I'm determined to stay fly. So excuse me while I go sip on some wine to increase my digestive tolerance and clean the house in heels to stabilize my innate equilibrium. Shaking my GettonOld head.....

Eternally Single

Spring has sprung and the ones that were once canoodling in the crevasses of their ladies’ bosoms are preparing for their summer breakaway. As for me.....

Considering the change of season, and my (still) new location in TX - the more things change the more they stay the same. I am now officially in my 6th year of single-dom and quite frankly I've come to accept the loneliness that comes along while driving in this lane.

I wanted to write about this since I know way too many eligible viable, sex kittens who would love to play with one - or maybe two ;-) bachelors-with-their-lights-on. Of course all of you may not be aware of what this means but that’s where I come in. They're not the single guys that are okay with being in single-dom....you know those guys. I mean after 6 years in the trenches I'll spell out both real quick so we're on the same page.

Bachelors who want to stay single:

1. make it a point to let you (or any other somewhat interested party) that they're just trying to "chill"

2. they call on an irregular basis and act as if you are supposed to jump at the chance to chill with them – even though like their phone calls this would most certainly err on the side of inconsistent at best

3. they more than likely won't call but will text you with the same requests in #2

4. they don't act interested beyond when they are forced to be around you, and even then the ratio of interest in you is < 65%

5. you hold no weight and this translates into never knowing what he has planned, never (or rarely) getting around to hanging out with this guy even after some (what you thought was) great sex, great one-time conversation, or any other inclination to think he was digging you

Bachelors-with-their-lights-on

do ALL the opposite of the above + the following

1. added points of contact randomly throughout the day to bring up something yall have spoken about at some point prior

2. recalls details you swore he might have missed

3. go out of their way to make you feel nice and/or special

4. Let you know that they're down to be on a team with you if you pay attention

I only bring up these distinctions (and of course I have ppl reading this like "these are such generalizations, it can't be that simple!"

or

Maybe you're one of the folks reading this like "duh this is common sense"

But what I’ve realized is that common sense – as providence would have it, is really not so common.

There also exists a middle ground that at this point I would happily settle for since according to every article written about black women in the past year: I’ve been marked with an X on my forehead and they’ve deemed me an old maid at the young, tender spring-chicken age of 25 thanks to my desire (of all things) to be educated and have 2 degrees!

Before I go into what I would deem as a small slice of paradise, and welcome respite from abject singleness, I must say that I am one of the few people who readily admits my faults. That being said,

I. Loathe. Starting. Over.

Thinking back to all the 30 day runs I've had with guys who were "interested" [substitution more than acceptable here for "I just wanna smash and will wait 30 days to do it"] none of them showed that they had their lights on. Then again another problem of being single for such a long stretch is that you start going for the unavailable as I have done quite a few times.

Ladies you know what this “unavailable” that I mentioned looks and feels like....

"He just broke up with..."

"He said he's not looking for anything serious but...," he has a college degree, a career, and he looks GOOD!

Just like a rusty car salesman if it sounds too good to be true it probably is...I mean some part of the mental process tells you that, but in an effort to get some spice in your life you just ignore the mental flags and follow your dumb ass heart. For me, I really just go gaga for the adventure of having some interesting conversation piece when I give my friends updates on life so far from home. You say “tomato” I say “tahmahto” meh.

One other thing, yeah I said dumb ass heart....

Since when has the heart been associated with rational decision-making? Just ask all the mistresses in the world how they started fucking with what wasn't theirs - or the women who know they're the side piece how it went on for so long....

The heart in essence doesn't need too much to react...It's quite easy to pull heart strings - especially after not having had someone for a long time. Or conversely just ask any 60 year-old man lover of bacon why he just can’t walk away even after the triple bypass…

That being said, I am eternally single because my heart is in solitary confinement and just like in the penn, you gotta come with some serious good behavior to get it out.

Notwithstanding my heart's condition right now (and please don't read this like "awww" because I am perfectly comfortable being single) there are adjustments I have made to be better equipped for riding solo.

1. I used to say I was “in like” with the fling du-jour. Well – I don’t LIKE anyone....Like to me is such a strong word that requires so much investment in knowing things about a person...I like to say "interested" or "intrigued"

2. I enjoy my own company....WAY MORE than the average person out of circumstance & experience (I pledged as a solo) more than anything else...but I still have a select few I can chill with and do things with if I feel inclined to they’re just not men.

3. I've stopped associating certain things with couples...see this is one of those tricks to avoiding afflictions of “the bitter bitch syndrome” ...Movies have come off the couples list, hell I even took dinner off the list cuz a bitch loves to eat and there's nothing wrong with going out to do what I love...

4. I've stopped EXPECTING....this is one of the hardest things I think… but I genuinely don't expect shit. It makes dismissal that much easier when you're not caught up in feeling like "damn I at least thought..." think nothing...you meet a dude and give your number don't think he'll call, and really don't expect a great conversation either...lest you find out he lives with his mother or has *4 kids by 3 different baby mamas

*[true story…but for some other post!]

So...what can an eternally single young lady want? I just want a kick-it buddy....this person has to be single in the event that something other pops off later and also because you don't want anyone getting into problems because of you...unless you rockin’ that Trife crown (I just believe in Karma)

Cuddy-Buddy (CB)

Aa cuddy buddy is someone you can chill with, be intimate with, and most importantly CHILL WITH...nowadays no one wants to be friends...

SB: I will give it to guys in NYC, they do hit you with the "Can I be your friend?" when you try NOT talking to them b/c you "have a man" but I'm just saying I never made any friends off the streets and why are you out here exactly? Friendship status denied just on the strength....End SB

I really would love someone to do what I ALREADY do...and that's the beauty of the simplicity of what I want. You could essentially chill with the next bitch on Thursday, Monday, or any other damn day when I feel like being on my solo shit...cuz at this point you're just a cuddy-buddy. You're not my man, I'm not your girl, shit we do is cheap since we just chillin so as far as the tab goes hopefully you're a gentleman and I'm good...(I’m just sayin…)

CBs are great for the eternally single woman because answering to anyone is not my steeyo right now. At all. So being claimed by a man is jumping the gun especially if I barely know your ass...and nowadays ppl do rush into shit to find out months later they have some significant deficiency that the other can't stand...But back to the matter at hand – CBs are also great for the following situations:

1. it's raining/snowing/cold outside and you just wanna be in the bed without turning the heat on...get some dvds going, a L if you and your CB do that, and let the body heat and laughter proceed

1a. you need a L and since you've had a few to the face this week, you figure why not share the fun with someone else's “cookies”?

2. you don't want to be subject to the constant stares without cups coming your way, obnoxious drunken folks slippin and sliding all over you i.e. the club but you want to get out of the house and look decent...CBs can be "One call away"

3. you want some company and you’re tired of hitting up your lady friends

The beauty of a CB is that you can still both be dating or sexing others....cuddy doesn't always mean going all the way, shit it can be an added bonus if you look at it from that POV too..either way, it's a simple thing to get to, I mean if my 30 day runs could have manifested in CBs that would have been fabulous...but they weren't technically driving in that lane....

Now that I am aware though I'm definitely pushing hard for that lane now and to all those who suffer with me in single-dom it's the smoothest transition a girl can hope for these days....

Cue ::Jason Derulo's "Riding Solo"::

Babies R Us...But Definitely NOT Me Right Now

As if Mondays were not bad enough in their drudgery, I got one hell of an email to jumpstart my day at work. The subject read "Enfamil Family Beginnings" and without even giving it that much thought, I just opened to see if I had yet another reminder of my eternal single-dom.

"Congratulations, Anne! And welcome to Enfamil Family Beginnings. We know this is a special time and we're excited to help you every step of the way."

I immediately looked to the right of my congratulatory email message and saw a blue bar labeled: "Get Pregnancy Nutrition Tips."

Apparently, according the email gods of expectant mothers I received a visit from the Stork...because believe me Immaculate Conception would have been a more fathomable idea at this point.

Now it wouldn't have been such a weird email

1. if it wasn't Monday morning at 8am, and

2. if I had actually indicated ANYWHERE in print, electronically, or in life that I was preggo!

I just turned 25 and so the prospect of having kids has subconciously entered my mind more now than it ever has. And while I wish this was some bullshit biological,clock-ticking, mind fuckery - sadly I must say it isn’t. I have had maybe 2-3 dreams of my being preggers (still fabulous of course), holding a newborn in the hospital, and me letting some invisible man know (not so much like the chair-tossing, Halleluiah praise-dancing Maury scene) that he IS the father. But damn Enfamil, really?...

Later on this Monday trip, one of my friends posted on her Facebook status:

"Wow someone told me my biological clock is ticking...lol I guess you supposed to have kids at age 16 with an asshole instead of waiting to finish school and getting married....smh"

Being that my friend is 21, I'm not surprised by the fact that the "society of buffoons" date-stamped my friend's eggs w/"almost expired."

As if this baby talk weren't enough on a Monday I got one more prodding hint that this is something I have to speak on. At my part-time at Macy's I mentioned something to one of the managers about having to be well rested for my day job with the kids. If I could guess her age I would say she's around her late 40s-early 50ish. She says "I don't do kids...I'm sorry" and I confidently reassured her in Texan saying I've picked "You're fine!" as I walked off to go home for the night. At the moment that my manager apologized for "not doing kids" I envisioned my life if I decided not have kids down the line.

The first image I got was a healthy bank account and a very neatly kept house. Then came the vacations on the Riviera without the need to call to check-in or find a sitter, and lastly aside from my career of working with kids, I wouldn't have to deal with all the trappings of my own: parent-teacher conferences, finding and paying for a good school, dealing with bad ass kids trying to ruin my work as a parent with loser boyfriends, stalker girlfriends, jail stints and the like. I left work feeling like my manager's life outside of Macy's was as great as her honey blonde curly hairstyles...and having once been honey blonde myself I most definitely approve.

But then I came back from my self-imposed future montage and realized that I do want to have kids of my own.

But why is it that no matter what we as women do we're relgated to the mommies vs. the non-mommies...I mean if one of the first questions people want to know about you involve if you've had 10 months (because that's actually how long 36-37 weeks is) of annoying shit happen to you, followed by the most painful experience known to women, shiiiittttt HELL NAH. Especially with this empty-ass bed and ring finger combo I go home to every night.

Although my family has been probing me with baby questions since I turned 21 including my aunt telling me on mother's Day back in 2008 "I hope I can say the same to you soon!" I'm used to the arsenal of what are you waiting fors, don't wait until you're too olds, etc but how come I can't just be....young and free. I mean that's what I am and that's how I plan to stay until I'm ready, but I can't help feeling like even in 2011, maybe even more so than before young women are expected to either lower their standards and just accept motherhood, since as my mother and aunt foolishly exclaimed "You don't need any man" – Except to get knocked up my elder kinfolk :-/

The Society of buffons has had a lot to do with this too since most teenagers, young women, and the boys who eventually become referred to as "sperm donors" get knocked up and decide to bypass the $300 abortion...and I'm not trying to be on a soapbox but shit, it's my blog and I can say what I want to. I can't tell you what different women's thought processes are when it comes to making these decisions. Hell, alot of these "women" are doing grown folks business and just think a baby is part of the equation that will easily fit into the routine. To them I say, kudos and be blessed in your brokeness. I can barely afford to take care of my own needs without thinking about the perpetual dollar signs that follow the baby once it's out of the womb. Diapers, milk, clothes that only fit for a few weeks and/or months...then there's childcare because obviously I don't have a stay-at-home $Free.99 babysitter to rely on. And the old adage you get what you pay for is definitely more than applicable in the case of who would be watching my child.

I'm definitely going to be one of those parents who gets hidden cameras to monitor and make sure nothing triflin' is afoot. But how all the added responsibilities, stresses, and expenses escape the minds of these people is beyond me. But I know it's common because if most people in general conversation ask me if I have kids, my 21-year old friend's biological clock is ticking AT 21, my manager apologizes for not doing kids, and Enfamil can email me congratulating me on my yet-to-even-be-thought of baby then I guess I'm an anomaly in a sea of strollers.

I am not berating by any means all the mothers who handle their business and decided to actually have children when they did. Quite on the contrary I am just putting myself in the category of Los Blancos con dinero...I will be ready to accept motherhood when I know my life is at the point where another life will bring joy while simultaneously not bleeding my and my boo's wallets dry. Because as much as I love children, I know what Los Blancos con dinero have proven time and again, if my clock loses its ticking abilities, I can ALWAYS set back the hands if the means are there. And I don't know about the rest of yall, but I'm grinding to be on the level where I have the means for me, and my future (still non-existent) family.