On Being Trifling

I thought I long left my trifling ways behind but I lied to myself. And that same act brought me back to trifling. This one's from the Personal File...

When I sought therapy in things, I had linked up with the last man I was in a relationship with back in 2005. Way back. We both pulled some disappearing acts on each other resulting in our very anti-climatic 2008 link-up fizzling out. Having moved back from Dallas this time around, he was someone I wanted to run into - if anything to at least get a free meal out of the situation. Much to the delight of the devil we linked up via our original matchmaker. Kismet right? I told myself. "Everything happens for a reason" echoed in the halls of my heart. I should have known that little devil on my shoulder had some sway over me...

After seeing each other again, I got the stats: has a 1 1/2 year old and lives with - excuse me I meant to say is with his baby mother- but he wasn't living with her. In the realm of being single and really in the reality of having some morals the vitals should have had him dissed on site. But being the masochist that I am I kept parlaying and what began as just "how are yous" quickly evolved into those texts...and you all know what I'm talking about: the "remember whens" and "send me a picture" and the all to weakening "I miss yous."

My Waybackex after less than a month propositioned me to be the side chick and I dutifully told him no, but it was sincerely said with much chagrin, sadness, and not the least bit consideration that it could still happen if we continued this verbal dance. So for therapy and in a transferal of impulse, I bought 3 pairs of shoes. Didn't help. He saw my purchases so clearly I was seeing him, although our meet-ups didn't allow for too much to go down. Eventually after some car time, words of encouragement through some crazy life shit, and getting back "our rapport" I gave in and cemented my place among the annals of the homewrecking hoes and did it. It was even in true homewrecking ho style with the room in the 'tele, sexy underwear and all.

As we laid there he said to me "what's on your mind?" And I didn't want to tell him. It would have been a hailstorm of "I know I supported this, but I know you're not mine and I don't ever want to do this again." And I didn't ever do it again - at least not with him. Because even though he was my Waybackex, and seeing him brought me back to "those days" in '05 - he and his attachments were not moving forward with me.

When I assessed my own motivations, I really did just want to chill. Movies, the bar for happy hour, talk shit, catch up. The devil is. a. LIE. We had something in '05. He now had attachments AND commitments. He wasn't mine. And judging by the birthday cake he got and pics of la familia he wouldn't be mine forevermore. I was ready to discuss these sentiments with him just because I was hoping for a clean closure-filled split and fallback. But instead - my attitude changed from warm to curt, and in a series of unfortunate events (as he would ask Lemony Snicket to verify on his behalf) he didn't make it to my nonprofit's happy hour (and that is my child as far as I'm concerned), he wished me happy birthday 2 days too late, and he lost some shit of mine I entrusted to him because well, I thought he wouldn't lose it. 

He said my emotions & ego got in the way but this was furthest from the truth. If my ego got in the way, I never would have debased myself to the status of hotel homewrecking flusie just so we can get in what was some fairly basic sex. I was tired however, of living in a fantasy that didn't even reap the benefits of an equally-yoked friendship. I knew I wouldn't get what I wanted. I already gave him what he wanted and what my body told me I wanted. But what about everything besides sex - that for the most part were in the safe zone considering his attachments. The day I stopped lying to myself was a good day - the fog and mist I was walking in lifted and I saw things as they were and not as i hoped they would be.

It's funny how we can convince ourselves of everything and bring God and/or destiny into the damn shady deal like God would ever cosign and destiny is down to be trifling. Needless to say, my Waybackex is no longer in the picture and I sincerely hope that Karma doesn't chance upon the trifling vortex I put myself in but - I can say that I am no longer delusional, seeking therapy in things, and definitely staying out of trifling territory.

“I been gone for a minute now I’m back with” TDA the BAWSE

I’ve been gone for a minute. I know…it’s been about an accumulation of way too many minutes but life as it happens to do every now and again caught me in the middle of its multi-faceted shit storm so I was just making it. In the world of just making it there is very little time for the clarity and astute writing of yours truly. But have no fear TDA! is here.

Amongst the drunken birthday emo-breakdown (unexpected but not really), the movers losing one of my boxes and my vacuum after bringing my life from Dallas about 3 weeks later than anticipated, having to chase MY money about 4 times over, traveling to Europe for 6 nights (so necessary), and working on the daily grind – it’s been a crazy 2 months.

In all insanity though, lucidity is never too far behind if you’re looking for it. So of the many lessons I’ve learned in the past few months, this post is your introduction to That Damn Anne, the BAWSE (as Ricky Rozay would say)

Those that know me are well aware that at any given time I’m working on about 4 different things. As an energetic, ambitious, do-er on a mission I legitimately can’t co-sign sitting around waiting for the world to present me with glitter and gold. My current roster (even though as the weeks change so do a few items on the list) is as follows:

1. Executive Director of The World is Your Oyster (TWIYO)
2. Co-founder of The Voluptuary
3. Researcher, grant-writer, paper-writer
4. Solo Jewelry-maker AnastasiabyAnne

Looking at this list it looks pretty paltry to me considering my day-job isn’t on there, and it doesn’t include the other things that seem to consume my time on a pretty regular basis.

I’m sure you’re likening my list though to one (or several) of your scatter-brained friends who hasn’t picked what exactly they want to do and is all ova di place. Every day they have a new job or interest, a new way to make it.

Again Ricky Rozay said it best “No sir, not me!” See when its time to hustle and flow, there are rules of thumb and the 1^st one is shown in my list: prioritize your hustles. I put myself into everything that I do. I truly (rule #2) enjoy everything that I do. But in picking my #1 hustle I found the thing that I would rather be doing EVERYDAY and that has enamored my heart, mind, and time. The 2^nd thing is very closely related to the first, but it’s for-profit so it will most likely ensure baller status so I have the option of making it rain at somebody’s hood-fabulous club one day.

Both 1 & 2 are helping me on my way to my mission. Hustles 3 & 4 are things I enjoy, services I provide to others – but most important those are the “Get money” hustles that put the dolla dolla bills in my hand quickly and without too much effort (rule #3: something you do has to benefit your pockets).

The most commonly asked question: “Where do you find the time?” Now this is tender topic for me because I am a self-professed Go Hard. Methinks that being a Go Hard by virtue of pledging has eradicated most of the fibers in my moral and mental tissue dedicated to making excuses. So disclaimer having been put forth this is a somewhat mathematical response to how alla dis happens.

There are 24 hours in a day. 8 hours in a workday. I have calculated that my average work-work (meaning what they actually want me to do when I’m at work) productivity is at its height at about 4 hours, leaving 4 hours to accomplish strides towards hustle #1 primarily. Hustle # 3 also takes advantage of some of these personal work hours left by what hasn’t been accomplished for #1. So at the minimum you have applied 4 hours on your workday to accomplishing something. Another disclaimer: I work in the nonprofit field so there is some overlap – but I email my cousin back & forth at work so I KNOW some of yall corporate folks be bored as hell…rule #4: find those extra pockets & maximize your time.

Bottom line is everyone makes time for what they want. How bad do you want what you want?

Rule #5: it’s a FLOW. By no means do I kill myself if I haven’t spent exactly 4 hours on my side hustles, by no means do I NOT partake in the social functions and happenings that make me, me. So get you flow together and figure out what works. My flow is that aside from 1& 2 the hustle list is malleable and I’m okay with that. That’s where my spice of life comes from (since the dates have all but dried up).

Okay so I’ve babbled enough about the hustle & flow but there’s one more thing I have to say. As a BAWSE, you have to make time for your team. Your team will always be the first group of ppl to show love, spend $$, and spread the word (at least they should be) so it’s critical that you are (rule #6) never too busy for your team.

I’m “out here tryna get, each and every way” with my focus on. Where you at?