On Being Trifling

I thought I long left my trifling ways behind but I lied to myself. And that same act brought me back to trifling. This one's from the Personal File...

When I sought therapy in things, I had linked up with the last man I was in a relationship with back in 2005. Way back. We both pulled some disappearing acts on each other resulting in our very anti-climatic 2008 link-up fizzling out. Having moved back from Dallas this time around, he was someone I wanted to run into - if anything to at least get a free meal out of the situation. Much to the delight of the devil we linked up via our original matchmaker. Kismet right? I told myself. "Everything happens for a reason" echoed in the halls of my heart. I should have known that little devil on my shoulder had some sway over me...

After seeing each other again, I got the stats: has a 1 1/2 year old and lives with - excuse me I meant to say is with his baby mother- but he wasn't living with her. In the realm of being single and really in the reality of having some morals the vitals should have had him dissed on site. But being the masochist that I am I kept parlaying and what began as just "how are yous" quickly evolved into those texts...and you all know what I'm talking about: the "remember whens" and "send me a picture" and the all to weakening "I miss yous."

My Waybackex after less than a month propositioned me to be the side chick and I dutifully told him no, but it was sincerely said with much chagrin, sadness, and not the least bit consideration that it could still happen if we continued this verbal dance. So for therapy and in a transferal of impulse, I bought 3 pairs of shoes. Didn't help. He saw my purchases so clearly I was seeing him, although our meet-ups didn't allow for too much to go down. Eventually after some car time, words of encouragement through some crazy life shit, and getting back "our rapport" I gave in and cemented my place among the annals of the homewrecking hoes and did it. It was even in true homewrecking ho style with the room in the 'tele, sexy underwear and all.

As we laid there he said to me "what's on your mind?" And I didn't want to tell him. It would have been a hailstorm of "I know I supported this, but I know you're not mine and I don't ever want to do this again." And I didn't ever do it again - at least not with him. Because even though he was my Waybackex, and seeing him brought me back to "those days" in '05 - he and his attachments were not moving forward with me.

When I assessed my own motivations, I really did just want to chill. Movies, the bar for happy hour, talk shit, catch up. The devil is. a. LIE. We had something in '05. He now had attachments AND commitments. He wasn't mine. And judging by the birthday cake he got and pics of la familia he wouldn't be mine forevermore. I was ready to discuss these sentiments with him just because I was hoping for a clean closure-filled split and fallback. But instead - my attitude changed from warm to curt, and in a series of unfortunate events (as he would ask Lemony Snicket to verify on his behalf) he didn't make it to my nonprofit's happy hour (and that is my child as far as I'm concerned), he wished me happy birthday 2 days too late, and he lost some shit of mine I entrusted to him because well, I thought he wouldn't lose it. 

He said my emotions & ego got in the way but this was furthest from the truth. If my ego got in the way, I never would have debased myself to the status of hotel homewrecking flusie just so we can get in what was some fairly basic sex. I was tired however, of living in a fantasy that didn't even reap the benefits of an equally-yoked friendship. I knew I wouldn't get what I wanted. I already gave him what he wanted and what my body told me I wanted. But what about everything besides sex - that for the most part were in the safe zone considering his attachments. The day I stopped lying to myself was a good day - the fog and mist I was walking in lifted and I saw things as they were and not as i hoped they would be.

It's funny how we can convince ourselves of everything and bring God and/or destiny into the damn shady deal like God would ever cosign and destiny is down to be trifling. Needless to say, my Waybackex is no longer in the picture and I sincerely hope that Karma doesn't chance upon the trifling vortex I put myself in but - I can say that I am no longer delusional, seeking therapy in things, and definitely staying out of trifling territory.