Dear "Looking for My Michelle Obama"

 I was out with a guy friend several weeks ago and he mentioned to me (like several other guys I’ve seen say on Facebook, or say in passing) – “I need a Michelle Obama.” And to this day, I have to admit that it strikes a nerve for me for several different reasons.

After several interactions of the like and conversations with a diverse set of women - men have become some of the most complicated creatures walking these streets. “Why would you say this Anne?” you may be wondering or “Silly girl, men are simple!” you may say at this statement but to sum it up a LOT of guys fall into the following category:

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and waddles like a duck – it is…

A man! 

[And you were just a byproduct of the whimsical ways of his egotistical need to feel special and be cuddled.]

If it moves like a boat, sounds like a boat, and looks like a boat – it is

A marine vehicle that happens to be on the water at the time you are looking at it. 

[Because the “situation” calls for raising anchor at ANY time leaving you high & dry]

*situation as stated here, is inclusive of girlfriends, baby mamas, and still fresh love scars*

To speak to the duck analogy, too many guys (and the women who allow them to and accept the fakery) are extremely content with calling you everyday, seeing you frequently enough, and bedding you but NOT BEING THE BOYFRIEND. We’ve ALL experienced the “I’m not looking for a relationship – yet I act like that with you all the time, but can’t commit because I wanna have some slides on the side” phenomenon.

The boat analogy represents just how they get you – under the guise of technicalities. Since when was TIME reduced to a technicality?? Nowadays though as a woman – you genuinely can’t call it how you SEE it. Guys have mastered the art of not being held accountable for their actions since if they TELL you something else you should just go by what they SAY NOT what they DO!

But for ALL the men who CLAIM to be looking for their FLOTUS’ there are some seemingly known facts to us women that it may behoove you to learn so that you understand the gravity of what you’re SAYING. Especially since we women can’t go based off what you do right? And especially because I know PLENTY of strong, career-oriented women with standards – who are SINGLE and could rock plenty worlds IF that was TRULY what males were seeking. So, here are some facts.

1. When Barack met Michelle at Sidney Austin Law Firm, SHE was his SUPERIOR. Meaning she was his boss…and he’s been known to admit plenty of times that Michelle runs it in the house (“he doesn’t like to hang up his socks” << lol).

*MEN if you SAY you want a Michelle Obama please, and I mean PLEASE don’t get with/stay with a girl you KNOW isn’t running anything/doing anything major/serious with her life…in other words don’t expect a champagne miss on an Old E budget with your broad. Of course this is assuming YOU have set high standards for yourself and are professionally working on something great and WANT a badass lady holding you down…if you want the “Lay Down” woman that’s okay too – just truthfully acknowledge what you want.

2. Michelle refused Barack even a chance at getting at her and dismissed him in the “friend zone” at first. Everything he tried didn’t work, but he was PERSISTENT. It used to be that men liked the “thrill of the chase” and “the challenge”…in these times it’s exactly the opposite on appearance. Easy girls get the attention >the penis> and ultimately the package deal b/c it’s EASY.

*MEN if you SAY you want a Michelle Obama just be AWARE that you will HAVE TO WORK TO GET HER. Think about it, if I had a dollar for EVERY time a guy told me he “liked me” without any proof and went on to become a Houdini I would have at least a Ben Franklin in my wallet right now. Words aren’t enough b/c you guys say one thing and do another too much to be held simply at your word by any woman who has the privilege of having common sense. An educated, business-minded woman is definitely NOT just falling for the okey-doke and already has her wall in place. Don’t believe me: watch this brief video on the first couple’s firstdate.

 

3. Barack had to pass a few “standardized tests” to get in good. In this case I’m talking about the MAR test. Yes I’ve created this term because guys although you may not know this, educated women with standards have their ways of MEASURING your success and I call it the Manhood Achievement Ratio. Everyone’s MAR is different. Michelle has brothers and her father was able to set the MAR test based on Barack’s playing on the court with her brother.

But I can tell you that on most lady’s MARs the following is almost a given: OPENING doors (not just trying to hold the damn door AFTER I’ve already pulled it b/c you didn’t THINK you had to do that); the QUALITY of the first date (and if you paid); your testosterone-induced capabilities (the manly stuff) aka the sugar-in-the-tank-o-meter (less is DEFINITELY more!); and how you feel about/treat your mother/sisters/family. The MAR is a standardized way to tell where you’re at in the spectrum and Michelle was ready to dismiss if Barack didn’t pass muster. Check out Obama’s Test. 

*MEN is you SAY you want a Michelle Obama you WILL BE TESTED. I’m not saying you will have to sit down and fill in a bubble sheet, but just know that your actions are being scrutinized through that MAR filter of ours…Did you walk her home or to a safe locale after the date? Were you genuinely interested in HER or are you just trying to get the draws? Women like Michelle KNOW the difference and VERY quickly so I suggest if you’re used to acting like a duck and being a man you find some congruence in what you say and how you act because she’s watching.

Lastly, I think I have to sum all this up by saying there are a TON of educated, strong women out there who are very capable of loving and want to be a First Lady to a Leading Man. But where are these leading men?? I’ve had the pleasure of attending an Ivy League school and I know that there is a population of men who don’t want the type of woman Michelle is – she’s a BAWSE and she RUNS IT. But it isn’t like she doesn’t HOLD HIM DOWN. When you watch FLOTUS on Leno you see it (and there are countless examples out there).

Barack KNEW he WANTED that and he WENT AFTER IT. It’s so easy to say “I want this” or “I’m looking for that” and point to an example of what it is without WORKING FOR IT. Work is never painless and you have to know thyself to really demand certain things with authenticity. So to all those guys who SAY they want a Michelle. Are you a Barack???

An Addendum to Above: Quotes from POTUS About His First Lady

"It is important that when I'm home to make sure that I'm present and I still forget stuff. As Michelle likes to say, 'You are a good man, but you are still a man.' I leave my socks around. I'll hang my pants on the door. I leave newspapers laying around. But she lets me know when I'm not acting right. After 14 years, she's trained me reasonably well."

"What I realize as I get older is that Michelle is less concerned about me giving her flowers than she is that "I’m doing things that are hard for me -- carving out time. That to her is proof, evidence that I'm thinking about her. She appreciates the flowers, but to her romance is that I'm actually paying attention to things that she cares about, and time is always an important factor."

Source: Lynn Norment, Ebony, "The Hottest Couple in America", February 2007, pages 52-54

ac·count·abil·i·ty (noun \ə-ˌkau̇n-tə-ˈbi-lə-tē\)

I’d like to think that as many people as I hang out with and for all the stories I hear from them or their friends about the grand tumult that can be life – there are trends. Just like my past experiences helped me realize that social maturity was lacking in way too many grown ass people, these rough economic times have indeed made an indelible mark of the social fabric of our time.

What the fuck happened to ACCOUNTABILITY? Now if you notice I try hard not to use directly profane language on my blog b/c there’s usually some other euphemism that can go in its place. But I’m just about tired of this ol’ mess of a world we’re living in – and again GROWN ASS people NOT being able to do what being grown requires: ACTING GROWN. Now I get that expectations have had to be severely cut back – as in I have VERY FEW in people but I’m going to need more ADULTS to act like they got some dang sense. Like a LITTLE.

Now let’s define this word…this accountability of which I am about to speak

ac·count·abil·i·ty (noun \ə-ˌkau̇n-tə-ˈbi-lə-tē\)
An obligation or willingness to accept responsibility for one’s actions

Now let’s peel this word back by just one more layer and get to a simpler more relatable part of speech for those who aren’t into nouns and their overarching ways of not fully describing people at their most incompetent

ac·count·able  adj \ə-ˈkau̇n-tə-bəl\

Explicable; understandable

I don’t get for the life of me, why more and more people think that they don’t have to have some valid explanation (that is understandable) for the foolywang-ass behavior they exhibit after YOU have put your neck out on the line for them.

Now being the go hard that I am, I know that this is an area I don’t really have a problem with. Because of some old moral code written by mmm.. I don’t know…JESUS?! I actually treat other people how I want to be treated. But I also have no problem admitting when I’m wrong or when I have messed up.

But nah…there are too many people walking these streets acting like they don’t have to be accountable. I mean I’m a stickler for holding people accountable but many people aren’t as assertive or easily annoyed by the fact that this is becoming more prevalent with each passing day.And THEY SHOULD BE. All the stories I hear, the things I live through if more ppl just said something this feeling of BEING HAD wouldn't be AS prevalent.

Maybe the extreme heat is the cause. The temperatures could be frying all the decency-inducing brain cells people have. Maybe more people DON’T have simple moral ethical fibers than those who do. Or perhaps people just walk around not giving a fuck because they KNOW they can. In any case these are the top areas that I have observed this egregious problem from what word on the street and my own experiences.

#1. MONEY

Now you know this was going to be at the top. If you KNOW you OWE someone money DO NOT be caught: as in bragging on FB, TELLING YOUR LENDER your blowing money fast in the club, at the bar, at dinner. Times are HARD. If anyone is generous enough to lend you something be thankful, be appreciative.

If you don’t have it set up an arrangement. I’m not a bill collector but don’t MAKE ME CHASE YOU for what was MINE to begin with. Tell a sista/brother the situation. Give a date. Show good faith that I should BELIEVE you and not cut your trifling ass off. Think about it – how can you explain doing all the things you’re doing while your lender calculates the costs (usually EXCEEDING what was owed) of your gallivanting the damn streets?? Makes me want to get like Stewie with a crow-bar and a blow torch up in this bitch f’real..b/c while I’ve heard the saying “never out out what you’re not ready to lose” the onus is STILL on the borrower cuz trust don’t NOBODY’S credit card company, bank, cell phone provider or ANYONE OFFICIAL fi’n to hear dat shit. They’re cutting off service, suspending a card, withdrawing more fees. Act with some respect towards ppl trying to help you out and treat them with some sort of regard.

#2. WHAT YOU SAY

In my honest opinion you are NOTHING if you don’t keep your word. I’m not saying things don’t come up and schedules have to be changed. I’m not talking about that stuff. I’m talking about the people who say things like “I got you with that $$ tomorrow!”……..2 weeks have passed and you still haven’t heard nary a word from that same person. I pledged and although there are more than quite a few people who think I was/am crazy for doing so – one of the most important lessons I learned is that YOUR WORD is YOUR BOND.

I don’t need to “swear to God” or “swear on my dead relative” as others have to do b/c if I said I would be at something, unless I let you know otherwise, I WILL be there. And if I say something out my mouth you should be able to take me at my word. Period.

This accountability item also goes for people who talk shit. You see what I’ve learned is that if the Bible talks about a body part or organ in depth – it’s a VERY powerful thing. The tongue and mouth are windows into someone’s heart. It can destroy people (as we see with tabloids and press) or make people (as we see with tabloids and press). There are many hypocrites out in these streets, pachangas, and the like. So I’m going to use this moment to shed some light on the Good Book’s teachings about watching your mouth.

The tongue of the righteous is [as] choice silver: The heart of the wicked is little worth. ~Proverbs 10:20

And the tongue is a fire: the world of iniquity among our members is the tongue, which defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the wheel of nature, and is set on fire by hell.~ James 3:6

I could go on but don’t be surprised when certain go hards call you on your word, what you’ve said and how your actions have either matched up with that, or haven’t. Cuz it’s ridiculous how many ppl really can’t explain or justify what they’ve once said especially in negative regard with actual proof…The last true word on this: 

Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." ~Matthew 5:37

#3. YOUR ACTIONS

I am so sick of grown ass ppl making excuses for their altogether unexplainable/unfathomable actions. Now obviously this area is rife with examples I can spit off that will never really make sense like cheating on a decent significant other, pathological lying, and the like. I mean some things will not ever make logical sense to an educated person. But, what I’m getting at here though is more about being responsible for those things you KNOW YOU NEED TO DO – that in one way or another may require the assistance of another person/people. Because what happens in these cases is that TIME, one of the most undervalued and under-respected things - gets wasted and someone feels shafted.

If you KNOW someone is helping you do ANYTHING that requires effort on THEIR and YOUR part you better damn well get your ass PREPARED. How do you explain not being ready and making someone else late when they are picking you up to drive yo ass somewhere NICE? Trust when Blanquitos are involved in something nice you BETTER be there EARLY (read on time for CPT folks). You can’t. How do you explain not doing any work to prepare for a move yet your friend/fam/the Mexicans are at your doorstep READY TO GO? You can’t.

I was in DC recently and this African woman was HYSTERICAL I mean crying, yelling, sobbing cuz she missed her bus (since she wasn’t paying attention) to NYC for her 6pm flight to Morocco. Ladies and gents the bus she missed was 12 noon. WHAT FLIGHT WERE YOU CATCHING? Airlines don’t play this shit anymore with this whole gate closing/boarding over at LEAST 1 hour before. She wasn’t accountable for her part in running on CPT since getting to the city also meant she had to get a cab to JFK from there and STILL check in. As I told her “Ms. I understand you’re upset but you just need to call them now and let them know you’re not making it. You should have gone to NYC yesterday.” <--that btw was an example of an accountability check: simple, without malice, just the truth.com - yesterday would have you at the airport on time sis)

[Oh and one of my favorite accountability checks from the opposite sex: "I like you so much Anne" Really?? Or is just that I had my good bra on tonight and you saw something else you liked? Well when's the last time you actually dialed that number of mine that's in your phone? "Oh let me see if you have it..You DO!" --nothing like calling a spade a spade because invariably the phone call never comes through for all the "liking" guys profess to do in these streets...]

People love making excuses but when those excuses cost other people their time it shows that you, in your lack of justifiable reason don’t give a fuck. Plain. Simple. Or that you think the heavens will part for you and provide some miracle that defies al sense of traffic (like African Aunty), logic, and time. Everyone is “busy, tired, working, hustling” whatever you have to say everyone can lay claim to doing it. Truth is though not VERY many ppl do ALL THAT MUCH in a given day. Gimme a break. Although this is to be said about black ppl in general (don’t worry post is forthcoming on that) PLANNING is another VERY under-rated thing that if you don’t do it, says  A LOT about how YOU value other’s time.

So the next time you're out there wondering why no one will help you, lend you money, or deal with your trifling ass - sit down. Take a minute and think about how explainable or ac·count·able YOU WERE to the person you're looking to for assistance.

If you're on the other end, you too should sit down. And take a mental survey of the last time you held whoever is bothering you/annoying you/asking you for a favor  ac·count·able for the last thing(s) you did for them - cuz trust it's ALMOST NEVER a surprise to them (maybe from you) but it certainly isn't uncommon to do such a thing.