Easter Was Yesterday..Now Can I Shop?

I’ve always challenged myself for Lent. For those who are unfamiliar Lent is when you give up something for 40 days and 40 nights. Starting from Ash Wednesday up until Easter you abstain from the one thing (or things for the overly ambitious) of your choosing. The symbolism is to honor Jesus’ 40 day bid in the desert when he had to fight the Devil’s tempting offers and attempt to break his will.

Now, Lent is supposed to be about sacrifice and giving up something substantial and/or something that is causing a lot of “noise” in your life. When this year came I felt like I didn’t quite know what I wanted to sacrifice…Then the priest preached about what Lent really meant, and got me to thinking. The gist of his sermon was that we can’t give up something that does absolutely nothing to us. Sacrifice shouldn’t be a matter of convenience. So the priest’s preaching really got me thinking….The ultimate challenge for me was shopping.

I was doing great as a recovering shopaholic. Until I decided to move to Dallas – and shit starting hitting the fan. It also didn’t help that I got approved for a bunch of different credit cards. Walmart, Victoria’s Secret, Kohl’s, and Macy’s. A recipe for disaster. On a daily basis pre-Lent I had at least 20 email messages (at minimum) from different stores, shops, and retail sites about sales, free shipping, new arrivals, and all that. You named it, I was getting it. Never mind the fact that I was going to the mall to de-stress and cope whenever I felt unhappy, sad, depressed, bored, and lonely. All these feelings became interchangeable to ‘happy!’ with the swipe of that magic magnetic strip. But it wasn’t solving anything. In fact it was magnifying the problem that people with a lot of shit have – and all my lady shopper friends and male clothes whores know this phenomenon. Where in the hell am I going to put ALLADIS? I had (once upon a time) an 864 sq. ft. 1 bedroom in Dallas with tons of closet space, but with shoes, clothes, and bags in the closet, underneath the bed, in my bathroom closet, and in my front closets – it was getting to be much.

And so I gave up shopping for Lent. Truth be told this was hard at first because I could only buy food, gas, and items for my jewelry business. That. Was. It. Normally when I do these Lenten things I am sure to maintain the same lifestyle so as to be authentic in the sacrifice because temptation exists and that’s the point. But because shopping had taken up so much noise in my daily life, I just had to get some clarity from it all...

I stopped wasting my gas going to the mall for no damn reason at all really –truth be told it wasn’t even the place to find cute guys and if that’s not happening – all is lost on a mall stroll and you just end up getting aggravated by the hodge-podge of rude children, families, long lines, slow walkers, and crowded escalators. I unsubscribed from a bunch of sites to clear my damn inbox. These stores were sending me emails twice a day. If I was naïve, thought I had no friends, and had a man my perception of constant communication might have been skewed based on how much attention these stores were hitting me with compared to my actual person-to-person email ratio. And then, I took the real plunge and looked at my damn credit card bills. DAMN. Not only did I not have the space in my closet or drawers for all the shit I was being told to buy, I didn’t even have a fly coming out my wallet with all the money I owed and had to pay to these people.

About halfway into the kamikaze ANTI shopping mode, I started window shopping to go into full throttle temptation mode. I didn’t flake! Now that Easter has come and gone I can shop again. Funny thing is… I don’t even have the urge to. I have so many tags to pop, that for my upcoming trip to NY for a family function all I had to do was go into my closet and pull a brand new dress and brand new/old (I bought them on sale 2 years ago and never wore them) shoes. I also have a nice plan on how to eradicate this credit card debt I’ve accumulated in my times of chagrin, homesickness, loneliness, and unhappiness and the thought of that makes me happier than any pair of shoes at the moment.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am STILL materialistic. And I like things... but I think I’ve pulled the reigns in on discipline and realizing that I have enough things for now. In this culture everything is NEVER good enough. It has to be the newest colors of the season, the latest style of jeans, the newest car, the next phone, etc. When it comes to fashion nothing is new. In saving some of the jeans I’ve had since 2005, they’ve come back in style in 2011. Who would’ve thunk it? I’m trying to own my car outright, so I’m not trading up because if I had no car note life would be GRAND. I don’t even have enough places to go to wear half the things I STILL haven’t worn yet! In Dallas, dressing up is a matter of opinion and then occasion. Coming from Brooklyn, stuntin is a habit so I’ma be alright…and when I think back I've always been good and THEN SOME (for those that know about my shoe game yall feel me ;-)

And although I hate to get all churchy on yall, this gospel reading right before Lent started made it crystal clear to me what it is (I put bits and pieces but the entire chapter/verse is cited):

Matthew 6:24-34

"Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?..... Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin....Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides...."

Truer words never spoken....I think the most important thing that I learned in my shopping sacrifice is clarity. My focus on things and the noise from all of that was getting in the way of my progress financially and emotionally. I also know that I’m in a much better place than I was when the shopping tirade was going on, so that eases the ego check when I think I may want that.

So even though the purse strings are officially off my wallet, I think I’m good for quite a while on buying just for the sake of buying, transforming a want into a dire ‘need’ and most of all I’m content with making my current wardrobe ::RuPaul voice:: “Work bitches!”

Eternally Single

Spring has sprung and the ones that were once canoodling in the crevasses of their ladies’ bosoms are preparing for their summer breakaway. As for me.....

Considering the change of season, and my (still) new location in TX - the more things change the more they stay the same. I am now officially in my 6th year of single-dom and quite frankly I've come to accept the loneliness that comes along while driving in this lane.

I wanted to write about this since I know way too many eligible viable, sex kittens who would love to play with one - or maybe two ;-) bachelors-with-their-lights-on. Of course all of you may not be aware of what this means but that’s where I come in. They're not the single guys that are okay with being in single-dom....you know those guys. I mean after 6 years in the trenches I'll spell out both real quick so we're on the same page.

Bachelors who want to stay single:

1. make it a point to let you (or any other somewhat interested party) that they're just trying to "chill"

2. they call on an irregular basis and act as if you are supposed to jump at the chance to chill with them – even though like their phone calls this would most certainly err on the side of inconsistent at best

3. they more than likely won't call but will text you with the same requests in #2

4. they don't act interested beyond when they are forced to be around you, and even then the ratio of interest in you is < 65%

5. you hold no weight and this translates into never knowing what he has planned, never (or rarely) getting around to hanging out with this guy even after some (what you thought was) great sex, great one-time conversation, or any other inclination to think he was digging you

Bachelors-with-their-lights-on

do ALL the opposite of the above + the following

1. added points of contact randomly throughout the day to bring up something yall have spoken about at some point prior

2. recalls details you swore he might have missed

3. go out of their way to make you feel nice and/or special

4. Let you know that they're down to be on a team with you if you pay attention

I only bring up these distinctions (and of course I have ppl reading this like "these are such generalizations, it can't be that simple!"

or

Maybe you're one of the folks reading this like "duh this is common sense"

But what I’ve realized is that common sense – as providence would have it, is really not so common.

There also exists a middle ground that at this point I would happily settle for since according to every article written about black women in the past year: I’ve been marked with an X on my forehead and they’ve deemed me an old maid at the young, tender spring-chicken age of 25 thanks to my desire (of all things) to be educated and have 2 degrees!

Before I go into what I would deem as a small slice of paradise, and welcome respite from abject singleness, I must say that I am one of the few people who readily admits my faults. That being said,

I. Loathe. Starting. Over.

Thinking back to all the 30 day runs I've had with guys who were "interested" [substitution more than acceptable here for "I just wanna smash and will wait 30 days to do it"] none of them showed that they had their lights on. Then again another problem of being single for such a long stretch is that you start going for the unavailable as I have done quite a few times.

Ladies you know what this “unavailable” that I mentioned looks and feels like....

"He just broke up with..."

"He said he's not looking for anything serious but...," he has a college degree, a career, and he looks GOOD!

Just like a rusty car salesman if it sounds too good to be true it probably is...I mean some part of the mental process tells you that, but in an effort to get some spice in your life you just ignore the mental flags and follow your dumb ass heart. For me, I really just go gaga for the adventure of having some interesting conversation piece when I give my friends updates on life so far from home. You say “tomato” I say “tahmahto” meh.

One other thing, yeah I said dumb ass heart....

Since when has the heart been associated with rational decision-making? Just ask all the mistresses in the world how they started fucking with what wasn't theirs - or the women who know they're the side piece how it went on for so long....

The heart in essence doesn't need too much to react...It's quite easy to pull heart strings - especially after not having had someone for a long time. Or conversely just ask any 60 year-old man lover of bacon why he just can’t walk away even after the triple bypass…

That being said, I am eternally single because my heart is in solitary confinement and just like in the penn, you gotta come with some serious good behavior to get it out.

Notwithstanding my heart's condition right now (and please don't read this like "awww" because I am perfectly comfortable being single) there are adjustments I have made to be better equipped for riding solo.

1. I used to say I was “in like” with the fling du-jour. Well – I don’t LIKE anyone....Like to me is such a strong word that requires so much investment in knowing things about a person...I like to say "interested" or "intrigued"

2. I enjoy my own company....WAY MORE than the average person out of circumstance & experience (I pledged as a solo) more than anything else...but I still have a select few I can chill with and do things with if I feel inclined to they’re just not men.

3. I've stopped associating certain things with couples...see this is one of those tricks to avoiding afflictions of “the bitter bitch syndrome” ...Movies have come off the couples list, hell I even took dinner off the list cuz a bitch loves to eat and there's nothing wrong with going out to do what I love...

4. I've stopped EXPECTING....this is one of the hardest things I think… but I genuinely don't expect shit. It makes dismissal that much easier when you're not caught up in feeling like "damn I at least thought..." think nothing...you meet a dude and give your number don't think he'll call, and really don't expect a great conversation either...lest you find out he lives with his mother or has *4 kids by 3 different baby mamas

*[true story…but for some other post!]

So...what can an eternally single young lady want? I just want a kick-it buddy....this person has to be single in the event that something other pops off later and also because you don't want anyone getting into problems because of you...unless you rockin’ that Trife crown (I just believe in Karma)

Cuddy-Buddy (CB)

Aa cuddy buddy is someone you can chill with, be intimate with, and most importantly CHILL WITH...nowadays no one wants to be friends...

SB: I will give it to guys in NYC, they do hit you with the "Can I be your friend?" when you try NOT talking to them b/c you "have a man" but I'm just saying I never made any friends off the streets and why are you out here exactly? Friendship status denied just on the strength....End SB

I really would love someone to do what I ALREADY do...and that's the beauty of the simplicity of what I want. You could essentially chill with the next bitch on Thursday, Monday, or any other damn day when I feel like being on my solo shit...cuz at this point you're just a cuddy-buddy. You're not my man, I'm not your girl, shit we do is cheap since we just chillin so as far as the tab goes hopefully you're a gentleman and I'm good...(I’m just sayin…)

CBs are great for the eternally single woman because answering to anyone is not my steeyo right now. At all. So being claimed by a man is jumping the gun especially if I barely know your ass...and nowadays ppl do rush into shit to find out months later they have some significant deficiency that the other can't stand...But back to the matter at hand – CBs are also great for the following situations:

1. it's raining/snowing/cold outside and you just wanna be in the bed without turning the heat on...get some dvds going, a L if you and your CB do that, and let the body heat and laughter proceed

1a. you need a L and since you've had a few to the face this week, you figure why not share the fun with someone else's “cookies”?

2. you don't want to be subject to the constant stares without cups coming your way, obnoxious drunken folks slippin and sliding all over you i.e. the club but you want to get out of the house and look decent...CBs can be "One call away"

3. you want some company and you’re tired of hitting up your lady friends

The beauty of a CB is that you can still both be dating or sexing others....cuddy doesn't always mean going all the way, shit it can be an added bonus if you look at it from that POV too..either way, it's a simple thing to get to, I mean if my 30 day runs could have manifested in CBs that would have been fabulous...but they weren't technically driving in that lane....

Now that I am aware though I'm definitely pushing hard for that lane now and to all those who suffer with me in single-dom it's the smoothest transition a girl can hope for these days....

Cue ::Jason Derulo's "Riding Solo"::

Babies R Us...But Definitely NOT Me Right Now

As if Mondays were not bad enough in their drudgery, I got one hell of an email to jumpstart my day at work. The subject read "Enfamil Family Beginnings" and without even giving it that much thought, I just opened to see if I had yet another reminder of my eternal single-dom.

"Congratulations, Anne! And welcome to Enfamil Family Beginnings. We know this is a special time and we're excited to help you every step of the way."

I immediately looked to the right of my congratulatory email message and saw a blue bar labeled: "Get Pregnancy Nutrition Tips."

Apparently, according the email gods of expectant mothers I received a visit from the Stork...because believe me Immaculate Conception would have been a more fathomable idea at this point.

Now it wouldn't have been such a weird email

1. if it wasn't Monday morning at 8am, and

2. if I had actually indicated ANYWHERE in print, electronically, or in life that I was preggo!

I just turned 25 and so the prospect of having kids has subconciously entered my mind more now than it ever has. And while I wish this was some bullshit biological,clock-ticking, mind fuckery - sadly I must say it isn’t. I have had maybe 2-3 dreams of my being preggers (still fabulous of course), holding a newborn in the hospital, and me letting some invisible man know (not so much like the chair-tossing, Halleluiah praise-dancing Maury scene) that he IS the father. But damn Enfamil, really?...

Later on this Monday trip, one of my friends posted on her Facebook status:

"Wow someone told me my biological clock is ticking...lol I guess you supposed to have kids at age 16 with an asshole instead of waiting to finish school and getting married....smh"

Being that my friend is 21, I'm not surprised by the fact that the "society of buffoons" date-stamped my friend's eggs w/"almost expired."

As if this baby talk weren't enough on a Monday I got one more prodding hint that this is something I have to speak on. At my part-time at Macy's I mentioned something to one of the managers about having to be well rested for my day job with the kids. If I could guess her age I would say she's around her late 40s-early 50ish. She says "I don't do kids...I'm sorry" and I confidently reassured her in Texan saying I've picked "You're fine!" as I walked off to go home for the night. At the moment that my manager apologized for "not doing kids" I envisioned my life if I decided not have kids down the line.

The first image I got was a healthy bank account and a very neatly kept house. Then came the vacations on the Riviera without the need to call to check-in or find a sitter, and lastly aside from my career of working with kids, I wouldn't have to deal with all the trappings of my own: parent-teacher conferences, finding and paying for a good school, dealing with bad ass kids trying to ruin my work as a parent with loser boyfriends, stalker girlfriends, jail stints and the like. I left work feeling like my manager's life outside of Macy's was as great as her honey blonde curly hairstyles...and having once been honey blonde myself I most definitely approve.

But then I came back from my self-imposed future montage and realized that I do want to have kids of my own.

But why is it that no matter what we as women do we're relgated to the mommies vs. the non-mommies...I mean if one of the first questions people want to know about you involve if you've had 10 months (because that's actually how long 36-37 weeks is) of annoying shit happen to you, followed by the most painful experience known to women, shiiiittttt HELL NAH. Especially with this empty-ass bed and ring finger combo I go home to every night.

Although my family has been probing me with baby questions since I turned 21 including my aunt telling me on mother's Day back in 2008 "I hope I can say the same to you soon!" I'm used to the arsenal of what are you waiting fors, don't wait until you're too olds, etc but how come I can't just be....young and free. I mean that's what I am and that's how I plan to stay until I'm ready, but I can't help feeling like even in 2011, maybe even more so than before young women are expected to either lower their standards and just accept motherhood, since as my mother and aunt foolishly exclaimed "You don't need any man" – Except to get knocked up my elder kinfolk :-/

The Society of buffons has had a lot to do with this too since most teenagers, young women, and the boys who eventually become referred to as "sperm donors" get knocked up and decide to bypass the $300 abortion...and I'm not trying to be on a soapbox but shit, it's my blog and I can say what I want to. I can't tell you what different women's thought processes are when it comes to making these decisions. Hell, alot of these "women" are doing grown folks business and just think a baby is part of the equation that will easily fit into the routine. To them I say, kudos and be blessed in your brokeness. I can barely afford to take care of my own needs without thinking about the perpetual dollar signs that follow the baby once it's out of the womb. Diapers, milk, clothes that only fit for a few weeks and/or months...then there's childcare because obviously I don't have a stay-at-home $Free.99 babysitter to rely on. And the old adage you get what you pay for is definitely more than applicable in the case of who would be watching my child.

I'm definitely going to be one of those parents who gets hidden cameras to monitor and make sure nothing triflin' is afoot. But how all the added responsibilities, stresses, and expenses escape the minds of these people is beyond me. But I know it's common because if most people in general conversation ask me if I have kids, my 21-year old friend's biological clock is ticking AT 21, my manager apologizes for not doing kids, and Enfamil can email me congratulating me on my yet-to-even-be-thought of baby then I guess I'm an anomaly in a sea of strollers.

I am not berating by any means all the mothers who handle their business and decided to actually have children when they did. Quite on the contrary I am just putting myself in the category of Los Blancos con dinero...I will be ready to accept motherhood when I know my life is at the point where another life will bring joy while simultaneously not bleeding my and my boo's wallets dry. Because as much as I love children, I know what Los Blancos con dinero have proven time and again, if my clock loses its ticking abilities, I can ALWAYS set back the hands if the means are there. And I don't know about the rest of yall, but I'm grinding to be on the level where I have the means for me, and my future (still non-existent) family.