Spring has sprung and the ones that were once canoodling in the crevasses of their ladies’ bosoms are preparing for their summer breakaway. As for me.....
Considering the change of season, and my (still) new location in TX - the more things change the more they stay the same. I am now officially in my 6th year of single-dom and quite frankly I've come to accept the loneliness that comes along while driving in this lane.
I wanted to write about this since I know way too many eligible viable, sex kittens who would love to play with one - or maybe two ;-) bachelors-with-their-lights-on. Of course all of you may not be aware of what this means but that’s where I come in. They're not the single guys that are okay with being in single-dom....you know those guys. I mean after 6 years in the trenches I'll spell out both real quick so we're on the same page.
Bachelors who want to stay single:
1. make it a point to let you (or any other somewhat interested party) that they're just trying to "chill"
2. they call on an irregular basis and act as if you are supposed to jump at the chance to chill with them – even though like their phone calls this would most certainly err on the side of inconsistent at best
3. they more than likely won't call but will text you with the same requests in #2
4. they don't act interested beyond when they are forced to be around you, and even then the ratio of interest in you is < 65%
5. you hold no weight and this translates into never knowing what he has planned, never (or rarely) getting around to hanging out with this guy even after some (what you thought was) great sex, great one-time conversation, or any other inclination to think he was digging you
Bachelors-with-their-lights-on
do ALL the opposite of the above + the following
1. added points of contact randomly throughout the day to bring up something yall have spoken about at some point prior
2. recalls details you swore he might have missed
3. go out of their way to make you feel nice and/or special
4. Let you know that they're down to be on a team with you if you pay attention
I only bring up these distinctions (and of course I have ppl reading this like "these are such generalizations, it can't be that simple!"
or
Maybe you're one of the folks reading this like "duh this is common sense"
But what I’ve realized is that common sense – as providence would have it, is really not so common.
There also exists a middle ground that at this point I would happily settle for since according to every article written about black women in the past year: I’ve been marked with an X on my forehead and they’ve deemed me an old maid at the young, tender spring-chicken age of 25 thanks to my desire (of all things) to be educated and have 2 degrees!
Before I go into what I would deem as a small slice of paradise, and welcome respite from abject singleness, I must say that I am one of the few people who readily admits my faults. That being said,
I. Loathe. Starting. Over.
Thinking back to all the 30 day runs I've had with guys who were "interested" [substitution more than acceptable here for "I just wanna smash and will wait 30 days to do it"] none of them showed that they had their lights on. Then again another problem of being single for such a long stretch is that you start going for the unavailable as I have done quite a few times.
Ladies you know what this “unavailable” that I mentioned looks and feels like....
"He just broke up with..."
"He said he's not looking for anything serious but...," he has a college degree, a career, and he looks GOOD!
Just like a rusty car salesman if it sounds too good to be true it probably is...I mean some part of the mental process tells you that, but in an effort to get some spice in your life you just ignore the mental flags and follow your dumb ass heart. For me, I really just go gaga for the adventure of having some interesting conversation piece when I give my friends updates on life so far from home. You say “tomato” I say “tahmahto” meh.
One other thing, yeah I said dumb ass heart....
Since when has the heart been associated with rational decision-making? Just ask all the mistresses in the world how they started fucking with what wasn't theirs - or the women who know they're the side piece how it went on for so long....
The heart in essence doesn't need too much to react...It's quite easy to pull heart strings - especially after not having had someone for a long time. Or conversely just ask any 60 year-old man lover of bacon why he just can’t walk away even after the triple bypass…
That being said, I am eternally single because my heart is in solitary confinement and just like in the penn, you gotta come with some serious good behavior to get it out.
Notwithstanding my heart's condition right now (and please don't read this like "awww" because I am perfectly comfortable being single) there are adjustments I have made to be better equipped for riding solo.
1. I used to say I was “in like” with the fling du-jour. Well – I don’t LIKE anyone....Like to me is such a strong word that requires so much investment in knowing things about a person...I like to say "interested" or "intrigued"
2. I enjoy my own company....WAY MORE than the average person out of circumstance & experience (I pledged as a solo) more than anything else...but I still have a select few I can chill with and do things with if I feel inclined to they’re just not men.
3. I've stopped associating certain things with couples...see this is one of those tricks to avoiding afflictions of “the bitter bitch syndrome” ...Movies have come off the couples list, hell I even took dinner off the list cuz a bitch loves to eat and there's nothing wrong with going out to do what I love...
4. I've stopped EXPECTING....this is one of the hardest things I think… but I genuinely don't expect shit. It makes dismissal that much easier when you're not caught up in feeling like "damn I at least thought..." think nothing...you meet a dude and give your number don't think he'll call, and really don't expect a great conversation either...lest you find out he lives with his mother or has *4 kids by 3 different baby mamas
*[true story…but for some other post!]
So...what can an eternally single young lady want? I just want a kick-it buddy....this person has to be single in the event that something other pops off later and also because you don't want anyone getting into problems because of you...unless you rockin’ that Trife crown (I just believe in Karma)
Cuddy-Buddy (CB)
Aa cuddy buddy is someone you can chill with, be intimate with, and most importantly CHILL WITH...nowadays no one wants to be friends...
SB: I will give it to guys in NYC, they do hit you with the "Can I be your friend?" when you try NOT talking to them b/c you "have a man" but I'm just saying I never made any friends off the streets and why are you out here exactly? Friendship status denied just on the strength....End SB
I really would love someone to do what I ALREADY do...and that's the beauty of the simplicity of what I want. You could essentially chill with the next bitch on Thursday, Monday, or any other damn day when I feel like being on my solo shit...cuz at this point you're just a cuddy-buddy. You're not my man, I'm not your girl, shit we do is cheap since we just chillin so as far as the tab goes hopefully you're a gentleman and I'm good...(I’m just sayin…)
CBs are great for the eternally single woman because answering to anyone is not my steeyo right now. At all. So being claimed by a man is jumping the gun especially if I barely know your ass...and nowadays ppl do rush into shit to find out months later they have some significant deficiency that the other can't stand...But back to the matter at hand – CBs are also great for the following situations:
1. it's raining/snowing/cold outside and you just wanna be in the bed without turning the heat on...get some dvds going, a L if you and your CB do that, and let the body heat and laughter proceed
1a. you need a L and since you've had a few to the face this week, you figure why not share the fun with someone else's “cookies”?
2. you don't want to be subject to the constant stares without cups coming your way, obnoxious drunken folks slippin and sliding all over you i.e. the club but you want to get out of the house and look decent...CBs can be "One call away"
3. you want some company and you’re tired of hitting up your lady friends
The beauty of a CB is that you can still both be dating or sexing others....cuddy doesn't always mean going all the way, shit it can be an added bonus if you look at it from that POV too..either way, it's a simple thing to get to, I mean if my 30 day runs could have manifested in CBs that would have been fabulous...but they weren't technically driving in that lane....
Now that I am aware though I'm definitely pushing hard for that lane now and to all those who suffer with me in single-dom it's the smoothest transition a girl can hope for these days....
Cue ::Jason Derulo's "Riding Solo"::
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