29 for 29: TDA's List

I've read so many lists about things to do by 30, things you realize in your late twenties, and things to know, myths debunked, thoughts unraveled by a certain age - that something dawned on me. So much of our lives are regulated by lists and what other people think or articulate WE should do or be by a certain time. Now between Buzzfeed, Thought Catalog, Huffington Post, Forbes and whatever other major website for life you visit...and believe dictates a part, sum, or snippet of your own lived experience - I am personally all about celebrating where I am.

I've read these lists and I agree with a lot of what they've said. But in talking to one of my sisters about my upcoming 30th a few months ago about what I hadn't yet accomplished (namely a romantic relationship) she said to me "yeah but you're living other people's dreams right now - you travel, your work schedule is better than most and you're fine!" It's funny that she put it that way and when I entered my 29th year I created the #fine29 hashtag to commemorate the last year of my 20s.

So I got to thinking. In this list and socially comparative culture we live in (damn FOMO! That Facebook feed sometimes, I tell you...) we're subconsciously setting ourselves up for constant measures and benchmarks formulated by others who don't know our personal stories; retain a cultural view that is different from ours (how many times have you wondered about references and just glossed over like "mmmk missed that memo"); have no idea what we've been through; and will most likely never be in our shoes. So I decided to make a list of 29 things I've accomplished, learned, and accepted in the time I've been here on the planet.... And coming up with this was fun because I was able to come from abundance. I wasn't comparing myself against a list; and turns out I have done a lot so far! I've realized these lists don't often have room for too much adversity, diversity, or cultural realities and so I loved making this for that reason too. So without further ado in celebration of the life I've lived up until now in the #fine29 since I've been here...in no order of importance is my 29 things I've done by 29!

1) Ridden a Harley motorcycle, climbed two volcanos, and slept in the desert. 

 It was for a few residential blocks (not in this country) but it was cool to be on a classic when I rode the Harley! Cue: "Born to be Wild." But I realized the power of sharing and asking questions. That's how most adventures begin. Adventure is amazing, I never thought I was this person who could like nature. Yet, adventures have taught me that I can do anything once if I truly want to - and a part of me wants to! Adventure time is real and it's pretty cool to know I have and will keep accruing them in my life.

2) Been a speaker on a panel. 

So far I've been on 3-4 and I love sharing/networking. I feel one of the detriments of our society is we don't share more of things we learn from to help and commiserate with others. No one is truly alone in what they go through but only forums like panels help to make that clear. For me, the opportunities mean I'm on my way and I sincerely enjoy public speaking.

3) Been fired.

It happens and not always for reasons that are your fault, but sometimes it is. I've had both and it's put me right where I want to be professionally. Ironically after the first time it gets easier because you realize the shade is real. Insecurity can be actualized in the form of something you won't walk away from and doors don't just open, they close too. Insecurity also manifests in the form of others hating, judging, and disrespecting you. Knowing the difference is key, but walking away to better things is what turns the lock.

4) Created and sold products that are mine. Every project of creation that I have done taught me that I love the process of creating. I'm a natural saleswoman, and someone out there (a few I would suppose) actually LIKE what I've created - it feels amazing and it feeds my hustler spirit. I never really embraced the artist in me until I realized art is creation and creation is what makes the world go round. Of course, when times are rough I have some rainy day funds to cover my head and keep me dry though which is always a plus.

5) Helped someone in need just because. I've carried strollers up stairs, told blind folk what stop we were at, and given food and dollars out. In NYC it's easy to be immune but a little good gives a great feeling and you never know who you're saving with a small gesture. The strangers, crazies and other ransoms love speaking to me despite the NY screw face I thought I mastered - but maybe my purpose that day was to spread some light in a cold, dark place.

8) Cursed out the bill collectors and received compensation.

Look. I work really hard and most of the time I don't mind mishaps but when I have to do more work for someone else's fuck up that deals with my life then it's a real problem. I do NOT ever condone going ham out the gate but sometimes this red tape stuff takes you there and as an avid consumer and purveyor of customer service I will call you out on it. It's also made me more vigilant of my accounts because the swindle is real and people are being bamboozled. If you pay something off KEEP THOSE PAPERS FOREVER! If they are at fault make them pay...I've hung up and called back with different approaches too but sometimes people don't get you until you get hype - meet PepperAnne ;-)

9) Followed my instinct without "approval."

I've been in many situations people would consider precarious but I usually seek counsel from someone on my team...but instincts and intuition are real. Your body sends signals when danger is afoot but you just have to know to trust yourself and be realistic, honest and open-minded. I've gotten some great opportunities doing this and I don't regret any of them. I've also realized that not everyone is equipped to really weigh in...if you're not on my level of course not. If you just met me, I don't even see you. There is also the reality that as many people that have called me brave, courageous, and inspirational - I really am just doing my best to LIVE my life and not have my life WORK me. The knowledge that most people are hooked onto this machine called the matrix, don't take risks, live in fear, and believe major forms of fake hype also discounts many opinions about things that instinctively I could figure out.

10) Found my passion and talents. 

I am a Scorpio and yes I am passionate. I know my strengths and weaknesses. However, I took the TIME to figure myself out. For everyone that claims to be aimless in life, not sure what they want, or what they stand for (both good and bad), they haven't invested time in themselves. Most people are afraid to be alone. Many people would rather be unhappy and miserable with someone else for anything: a relationship, a party, travel, etc. before being in their own thoughts and company. When I found my passion and talents I thought a lot. I went out to things that could've gone either way in terms of interest and learned what I liked, and eventually found what I loved - outside of anyone else's opinion. I was also born alone. We all are. Even twins come out one at a time. 

11) Followed my passion where it leads me.

I work on many things and people always say they're impressed, but I only want to do what makes me happy, what will provide a financial support system for my lifestyle, and what is important to Me Inc. And yes sometimes I don't sleep as much as I should and sometimes I'm MIA but when I look at how everyone else is moving and shakin in their situations I don't feel so bad lol. If I don't sleep a few days to put my best foot forward it's always noticeable ... We have concealer for the under eye circles after all ;-) You never know at what point or in what manner you'll shine your brightest when you're in pursuit of your passion. Find that pulse and see what you can beat out of it. Figure out what you love and/or like...you know a hobby? It's about to be a new year -you can flip that into some gas money in the least (especially at these prices!). Maybe you'll meet your next mentor...possibilities are endless... 

12) Continued my education.

The minute you stop learning about yourself, about what you want, and about your environment is the moment you stop growing and become obsolete. Our brains can constantly acquire new things so why not stretch that? It doesn't have to be a degree related thing (but you know I got those ;-) lol but edification of self is the best investment ever. This includes welcoming and asking for critique - continuing to be educated means that you want to be better and you can't do that without knowing what you DONT KNOW and being (very) OK with that...

13) Owning Me Inc.

"She has this IDGAF attitude about her." Someone who disliked me once said this and it was the REALEST way someone could have described me. I've invested more solo time and introspection than a lot of other people. I know this because other people's opinions of me are SINCERELY none of MY business. I OWN Me Inc. that means I know every nut, bolt, cog and functional machinery in this body and brain. I've been with myself longer than anyone who has known me. People who do not know how to deal with their own feelings will call you names. People who claim to know you (and even those who actually do) will describe you in ways you haven't heard before or that are unpopular when you look back on how many times you've been called those things (statistics have applications in real life after all). When people feel conflicted with parts of You Inc. they don't like, know, or understand they react. Let them. Most people are reactionary. Someone taps the knee, and there's a response. When you own who you are however there is little that others can say about your character and personality that will cause you to kick your knee up. Even if the knee goes up in that instant, the feeling won't last long because you know your company better than anyone else. All great people know who they are, and most of the time if it doesn't fall in the realm of development for benefit (and many criticisms from people do NOT fall in this category) it rolls off my back.

14) Healed/healing a broken heart.

I have dealt with many people thinking they could give me what I want but I didn't know what I really wanted. So you catch feelings and run with an idea...which are conscious decisions. It is a fixation. You select who you give your attention to. People take kindness for weakness (not just romantically), and it hurts. But I've learned that pain is part of life and learning to love yourself and be okay being in your OWN company is the best preparation to deal with others. A firmly rooted tree won't sway when fickle or temporary conditions (aka people,situations, circumstances) pass through. It's also NECESSARY to mourn, be sad, and be HURT. I've remained optimistic, caring, kind and mindful which have helped me heal the wounds I earned in the battle of life thus far - but I know I'm a wounded warrior. I'm not trying to be Rambo out here, glistening with mad cuts and bruises. This is real life and it's a process. Healing is also continual for me. The major pieces are picked up and patched up and it's helped me grow in love for myself and others.

15) How to improve things for my greater good.

I am all about a goal. Setting it, meeting it, and making a new one. I don't have everything all figured out but because I set intentions about what I want to specifically accomplish that will help me be better, wiser, and mature - I do it. Things like savings (because now that I have one, I want to double it in a few months); improving my self-discipline to increase my self-care routine (that is a hard one but I am taking steps!) and other "adult" things it feels amazing to be grown when you have your eyes set on #grownfolkgoals.

16) Started over...and then kept starting over.

I've moved across the country to Dallas, back to New York and when in these places, I also moved around and kept resetting. My comfort and pockets are very important considerations for me and as people called me brave for doing all this - I never saw it that way. If something must be done to jumpstart a stalemate and get some kinetic energy in your life I'm all for it. Life is to be lived and nowhere in that did it say YOU need to stay tied down to anything that isn't what you dream, envision , or can get for yourself. People confine themselves within systems that are already confining and then look at the world with the Kanye face: "HOW?!" I just do it. We didn't all have friends close by all the time and now it's hard for me to see most of them without a date! Most people don't want to hit reset because they're waiting for Superman in the form of a friend or opportunity to start over. I don't believe in Praying Until Something Happens (PUSH), that's passive faith. I believe in praying for the lanes to be clear as I switch in and out of them. That's active faith. Starting over doesn't feel so scary if you have the spirituality support you need.

17) Asked for help.

I am not always asking for help but I do know how to wave the white flag. Being vulnerable is a sign of strength. It's harder to ask and hope to get what you need than to say nothing and suffer internally. Professionally this has been even more apparent as a needed skill than ever before.  

18) Gotten out of debt in some major ways.

I own my car!!!!! Candy (my baby's name) is allllll mine and it feels absolutely wonderful! I don't want to trade her in I just don't want a car note anymore! I can't believe 5 years went by so fast - but I felt better than a slave on Juneteenth when I paid that last payment! I've also taken a hard line look at credit card debt and most of the time when I am crying broke it's because I have a 99.8% on time payment rate, always above the minimum balance, with the goal of $0 balance for ALL cards (1 more left!) by the spring. I was in this space of bad credit when I graduated from college and ever since I took up a Macy's seasonal job way back when to handle it, I've looked at debt differently. Truly though I also look at shopping and consumerism differently.

19) Lost friends.

I used to read that as you got older you would lose people along the way. But everyone isn't meant to be around forever and there are plenty of blogs and posts on this. It hurts at first but now that I think about my schedule, all of it couldn't be maintained realistically - so the core group has lasted in the decade range now - we're family at this point. I'd rather have a core group that work under a barter system like a tribe anyway that way we're all adding to each other. I had to learn why it fell by the wayside too -because there's a lesson in everything. But you and life goes on when this does happen and the hurt/anger/whatever you feel subsides over time.

20) Smiled because someone pointed out I wasn't doing that (or laughing even when your day is shitty).

I am an around the way girl with lots of class...so my corner store guys know me and I'm around...the ...way. Sometimes I am chided to smile and it happened recently. It was a homeless guy and I told him thank you and replied with a smile. I have a nice one if I do say so myself (my manager said it was a million dollar smile so I bought Colgate optic white to protect that investment nah mean?! Lol). But it's free to do that and someone cares enough to yield a reaction out of you that is positive, nonintrusive, and warm... We need more of that. I could be in a coffin and I actually was reminded of how quickly you can wind up in a cadaver while in a flurry the other day. Step outside yourself. Smile. There's always at least ONE reason no matter how small!

21) Moved back home.

So it's NYC and as much as I soo would love to flex with all of yall, I did that apartment and rent thing when I first graduated + 2 times over. I'm good. "No, dude I just met you can't come through (thank God);" "Yes I am hungry (thanks auntie for cookin)"; and I can actually save (for the American Dream and more!). It takes a certain amount of humility and patience to move back home but it's for the greater good of 'me enterprises.' My friend told me she read something recently that 35 and under don't save as much. Um duh you got Sallie Mae like a pimp called slickback regulating on that check, so many barriers to move in, and it's just expensive. It's always hard going back home and that is a whole other blog post. But um I don't even have it like that and I'd much rather use it to be on a plane at this point ...which is how I made it happen these past 2 years. I can probably expense this ;-). There is also an aspect of being around - but not (because I'm out a lot) that I know my mom likes...as all my immediate elders who raised me get old it's the little conversations that will keep them when I do move on and out and knowing they can hit me up for any favor (even if I moan about it or don't want to do it). It also feels nice to see my mom's smile when I return from a trip and know that I was missed. They gave me room to be so I have to honor that. Being at home has become much less of a stress because I have humbled myself to realize this.

22) Been on some nonconformist sh*t.

I love Turkish pop music. I love Madonna. I love konpa. I love art. I love physical books. I don't work a traditional 9-5. I make body butters. I go hard for the kids. Sometimes even I say who am I? And you are so multi-layered it's crazy, who made you? But man the mainstream is for those who want to be passive viewers to life, living vicariously through people they will never be, see, or meet for the most part. There are so many people making money, living the life they WANT - I can't afford to NOT be one of them. You wouldn't know because the point of media is so you don't. But watching enough TV has revealed jobs that were clearly made up and ran with. A lifestyle entrepreneur - shoot sign me up!!! This is the teething period of success and I would rather know I'm a tastemaker and influencer in real life because people will be following me soon... Also, mainstream conformity is sooo pedestrian now. I don't really care what Kourtney's 3rd baby is or the name I'm trying to go half on an incorporation, before I find her to distribute these body butters at Dash. 

23) Used my singleness to my advantage, but having space to want more.

So many times being single is about acceptance and reassurance - how about education though? As single as I've been I don't think I would've been with any of the dudes I've encountered in past romps. But they did teach me some things though (wink, wink). I love being treated, I like free.99, I like to imbibe and in my mind I'm usually on a runway - any questions?? I do what and whom I want and if you didn't make the cut join the line (everyone can't have what they want). It's been taking people up on these offers, using single to learn what it is that I like (and don't) in all forms but more importantly to articulate that as an adult with a calm and cool head. But loneliness creeps in and that's okay. I've just learned to be alright with feeling that I want a great love someday and I can still hope for it and work on me until I get it. And having fun is just that - fun. Although it's less than I used to indulge in and my version of "fun" has changed a lot, forever is long and I'm not ready for that tomorrow either. So it may be my birthday, I may flash a smile and I have no problem getting to know you for whatever moment we share in space in time but the moment I leave this sphere of single it would have been after fully appreciating my single, sexy, and sweet life of treats, adventures, and randomness showered upon me at the behest of a friendly smile.

24) Meditate/explore my spirituality/connect with myself.

I'm not there yet as someone who does it everyday or anything but I have started to slow and calm my brain down. There are a lot of whizzing things and moving parts in there but it's important to be still. Listening is active but in a different way and the universe sends us messages through our environment. I also lean on faith A LOT. Listen any day, any moment, any instance can take you to any other level than where you are, be it up or down...so you have to pay that rent on earth by making sure you do what you like in some way and are around reinforcements of that. At least so we're all less miserable when you aren't happy (aka why misery loved company). I also think that God/universe/Allah/whoever or whatever you believe in will test how much you believe.?What do you do when uncertainty and adversity come at you? That's the only constant everyone can bet on honestly. Not a person, place or thing is as sure as this fact. The only variable remains us and how we react. Do we adapt? Is it fight or flight? We control this but it takes a strong core of self to acknowledge where you are astray and to dig deeper into your understanding of whatever dogma you prescribe to. Every class of people has one even if you're an atheist but going deeper to expand the breadths depths of why you are that and the counter points is what helps us make sense of the crazy in our own lives. I'm still in this space but I love it because it's abundance and presence keeps on speaking within me with different circumstances. And it always works out. 

25) Learned that 25 wasn't as big a deal as I though it would be.

I swore I would almost have a ring by that time. But it comes around so fast and there are so many things I had envisioned accomplishing before I was living my life. I love it now but people put emphasis on so many of these "milestones" that aren't doing much but making us feel like we're social retards, behind some trend, and not doing well enough for society's standards. Did I really have a "quarter life crisis"? It wasn't such a crisis in the end. Guess what. Fuck society. We can't even get paid out here. Don't call me old cuz I'm 30! And yes I have to slow it down just a little bit but this the only frame I got to ride man lol...it happens. I can still hang and get that check worse come to worse ijs! And if I was married already or engaged - damn. I just can't imagine living someone else's life is my point here. If you are 25 and married do you boo!! I'm not even mad! I just...don't succumb to social pressure and aggravation anymore (just ask my mom and family - I give them the mirror curve with that like where's YOUR boyfriend?!).

26) Been open minded.

I always get the question why are you going there? Or why you doing that? And well I never have a REAL reason except why not? There's no real loss in discovering you don't like something. There's everything to be gained in knowing you don't like said thing and that the experience isn't for you. Being open minded has been one of the most crucial ways I've found success. 

27) Cuddled in the full Monty; gone to 3rd1/2 base......and saying NO.

I don't do sex just because. Trust me this is candid enough that it made the list but I realized that many women feel powerless in the bedroom and with partners - I recently had a situation where it happened and this is very real. Let me break it down like this: someone will always and I mean always want the goods. Cute, ugly, rich, poor, smart, dumb. You can't possibly want/need/feel pressured to do something you don't want to and it's okay to say NO.  Now I have been in ONE sticky situation but thankfully not more seriously dangerous or threatening ones. As a woman I don't play too much in this area and I'm honest - but I think this is where wires get crossed. Ladies stop saying that playful ass "Nooo" when he gets excited to that point of no return (we all know what that looks like). If you know you're not going to do anything! Just giggle and bat your eyelashes but the word no is confusing because we say it but don't mean it...but I'm not in that class. It is nice though to experience something other than sex. I just feel like so many people are casually doing it, that it has lost its meaning - so if cuddling is what it is and there are no strings I have come to like that...a whole lot! Maybe I'm just a sucka, but cuddling is powerful.

28) Traveled and sacrificed for it.

I have been all over the world and I love it. But what gets me the most is how people perceive it to be different from any other thing in life that is desired. Everyone has their priorities. Some people like shoes (and I do have a lot of them because that used to be it!); some people like bags; others like to eat out. For me travel is the thing that I must do. I think I realized its importance when that was the talking point that got me my very first job out of college. If traveling means I don't do group dinners every month or so then so be it. Being in the world is such a beautiful thing it is worth a few sacrifices. I've always come back richer and with more love for humanity because of it...

29) Stopped comparing, stopped over-feeling, and matured in waiting.

Everyone is living their own life with their own issues and accomplishments. It would be unrealistic to compare where I am with where anyone else my age is because we're all different. I know people younger than me who I look up to! When comparing stops gratitude, appreciation, and knowledge exchanges set in. 

I also had to learn that everything isn't personal. I used to get upset easily but I realized most of what I felt had something to do with an issue I had independent of what was going on. It feels so good to be able to rationalize how you feel before creating tensions and situations that don't need to exist. I've found that most feelings come from disappointment, dependence, or insecurity. Most of us have expectations that we don't even realize coming from these spaces and place them on others. Discernment is the difference. Not anymore. Patience means I can wait to understand and assess before I address anything that may not be a big deal. I wait to see if patterns are developing...I think working as a manager this summer really helped me realize the importance of observation and analysis before sharing. 

Waiting provides a lot of clarity. Thankful that when there's no comparison, there's no rush to meet someone else's timeline; feelings can be controlled and understood for what they really are and represent; and time has become valuable as a learning tool instead of a race. Good things come to those who wait

Here's to 30 and what other lessons lie ahead!!

Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself: Comeback Inspiration (Live From the Park)

Maintaining blogs is hard work. That Damn Anne! was dormant for a long while and I have no excuses, I am just glad to be back to this. Life has continued to press and impress upon me many things. Thus the forces around me have also pushed me to continue to share. Sharing builds community, sharing is therapeutic, sharing is fun. All the things that writing is for me. No one is alone in their experience, and so if you have any experience with my blog feel free to comment, forward, share, and/or follow. I was having fun thinking about coming back to this, and I dabble in some rhyming with my artistic friends, so in that vein I wanted to share some rhymes on light (this is certainly not me "spittin bars" but it's just some inspiration that came to me while outside on a sunny summer day...

Comeback Inspiration

I know it's been a long time...

So I wanna come back with some

Dope funny rhymes

See life's been good and

I'm grateful to be here

But you already know

We grind out chea

View is pretty dope

On my park flow

Gettin zen vibes

Seein the sun glow

Since I been gone

From this platform

Been gettin my skills up

Rhymin' ain't the only one

Stamps been added in the book all crazy

I'm Carmen Sandiego, my passport made me

See something new, make it do what it do

Party - hike - chill - travel weave new-new!

And I flipped some business

You better get a witness

My stock is on the rise

Roller coastin through this life

When it's low, when it's high

It's all about the team by your side

I done been through a lot and have some good news

I'm making it despite le struggle and so to will you!

You know I'm back to share what life's been dealin'

It's been a hell of a hand, and trust life been preachin'

Just wanted to share a small new discovery,

To help engage you readers see,

That Damn Anne! and she is me.

Just a small snippet of what's about to come

But it's gettin a little nippy so I got to run

I'll be back, sign up, and just stay tuned

This is That Damn Anne! signing off x's and o's boos!

The Development of the Single-Persona, and the Audacity of Hope

I'm single and while most women can definitely commiserate with the fact that it gets old - no matter how many Buzzfeed quizzes and Huff Post articles tell you it's good for you, healthy, and you're better off for it - I haven't ever shared publicly just how old it's gotten for me. I've shared stories of why my personality may have rendered me dead to dating and how much texting is also not my thing (way before it became THE method of "getting to know" a person). Of course, I have even more entertaining stories from the dating file and this one actually lends itself to hope and why it's so hard to hold onto it these days...

I've been single for yearsssss (each 's' in that is analogous to 2 years) and part of that was perfectly okay since I was young and had my prerequisite fun and partial sexual education in my early-mid 20s. But at this point - being single for so long has gotten old...So old in fact that my singleness has developed a pubescent persona that formed alongside my ego. Upon further introspection of the creation of my single-persona, environmental factors heavily influenced its genesis. Living at home (you KNOW that will be a post on it's own) and the desire for physical touch and warmth from a man were the top two things driving this persona. The third thing (and hardest to actually admit) was the inescapable fact that somewhere deeply lodged in my brain was (and still is I guess) a hopeless romantic squishy, noisy, thing that emits squeaks of glee and warmth at any sign of what I call "coincidental non-factors" that could be linked to more than coincidence if only dude became a factor...I'll elaborate on that another time. Also still up in the air is the name of my single-persona because like all things at least I can laugh at it right? (Btw, suggestions are welcome!) The best analogy though would be SPIDERMAN::VENOM as HOPE::SINGLE-PERSONA. 

Enter one chagrin-inducing moment and why I realized that just holding on to hope requires bungee cords, safety nets, a bit of therapy and a litany of saints to support it. What is about to be recounted is a synopsis and the mental processing that happened way afterwards (because I am a woman who like many women is always thinking even after the fact). For your reference, anything in parentheses moving forward are what came to mind, or that toy lodged deep in the recesses calling out.

I had recently come back from a trip and had a wonderful experience. Said trip was even more special because I met someone. This someone happened to live in Brooklyn - close to where I grew up and about 15 minutes from my house (around the way girl alert - path for escape alert #1). As group trips go there was plenty of fun, drinks, and hanging out for the group but within all that there was a connection to this someone. It went a lil something like this...

From the first night until the last night there was endless late night convoconcuddle (Spanglish for deep convo with cuddling and umm who knew I was actually a sapio-sexual until now??); there were doubts from everyone in the group including ourselves that we hadn't known each other prior to the trip (the words "this is crazy" got uttered regularly; romance-detectometer on mid-high level at the sheer irony, awww shit! SQUEAK); there was lots of affection (I always wanted this! But when you get it without begging, chasing, looking, and anticipating it's like getting the exact gift you wanted for Christmas as an adult - because 1. we don't get gifts and 2. we never want the gifts we get, merry merry squeak); there was natural-reaching hand holding (hopeless romantic DOWN! Code extra-sticky sap molasses clean up crew needed! And there are different degrees of hand-holding you got the reach kind...SQUEeaaaakkk!); and something else we both agreed on was that nothing felt forced, rehearsed or fake (le swoon for a guy with some character and care, yes gawwdd!). 

It was definitely something new in more ways than one, and while there was more - there was NOT sex. I've traveled. A lot. One thing I've never done was have sex abroad...and not because I'm not a sexy, caramel tenderoni who hasn't been approached (obvi) - but I've never built a real connection with a dude while traveling enough to feel compelled to do all that (and in this case I think I began to anticipate the build up to doing it later - which is new....And to be honest I have had, and can get plenty of casual sex at home with people I know I wont be hearing from, in random places without adding the potential 'Taken,' locked up abroad, or unknown disease sharing pitfalls that could play out in these scenarios. But overall - not doing it was a buffer for my velvety soft ass heart that is already fragile from all the fragments I put back together bit by bit. It wasn't about doing it so much as it was about being in the moment and capitalizing on (what for me was) a crazy, sexy, cool connection (TLC lyrics made so much more sense after this...yasssss for rebounded 90s soundtrack relevance!). This someone also wasn't pressed which was perfect for me.

I know that travel is inherently something that is for a moment and this experience fit in perfectly. Notwithstanding the transience of it all - after feeling such wonderful feelings in an alternate yet authentic reality full of rainbows and waterfalls as a daily backdrop (literally the bows were flexin') - who wouldn't want to tap some of that sap occasionally in this forsaken rat-race called New York City?? I'm not going to say there was hope for some tell-tale 0-100 wifed up real quick scenario because truth be told that's not me - and my dusty relationship resume confirms that (imagined scene at Love's Office: Head Heart Matcher Manager: "Umm last place of substaintial relations mam?//Me: "ummm back when AIM was just ending, Facebook was just starting, and people used cell phones to call":: END SCENE). There was hope however, of sustaining some part of that experience...

The chagrin came from the single-persona making its ascension felt and agitations of the heart from days past. What seems to be persistent in most fleeting moments of sparked connectivity is the heart wants to feel that feeling - hell at least one of them if only for a moment again; to see that acknowledgement somehow manifested in a message, a chill session, outreach on local territory - anything to weaken the single-persona and demonstrate that even though it's been long: it won't be soon before long until there is a connection that isn't under 90 days, 60 days, 30 days. And we are used to instant gratification, you're one drag and drop green dot away from being available when you just had that "busy" status right??  The glimmer of hope that you can at least finally discuss A [as in 1; singular; uno; not the rotation because even the subs are acting up] person at length without wanting to put your foot in your mouth to your besties. The hope that you wont have to worry about another Houdini vanishing on you after an ignored text (because it always starts with an ignored text-ughhhh. I. Hate/Loathe/Despise. Those. Shits.) But these are the reasons hanging on to hope is harder than winning the lottery. 

The bombardment of messages telling us as Black, educated women that there are not really any men out there for us x the messages that marriage is happening less/way later + the constant thirst (another post coming soon) that has all but bulldozed the art of courtship and really spending time/putting in work getting to know a person = The desire of time to chill seeming in and of itself a demand of the highest order.  Connections in physical spaces and in real time are generally not prioritized and valued as much these days.

I caught myself (or maybe this was the single-persona devil) wishing I didn't have this experience with this someone. It would've been so much easier to go on another trip, see and do some dope shit, come home, and go about my business as usual...and we won't talk about the fact that personally I ABHOR trails (photos) and evidence of any encounters of even the slightest significance. Reminders (even more photos) suck dirty, sweaty, hairy ass balls (and that's actually part me + part single-persona talking). But some friends had to remind me that yes - when you don't get the response you want WHEN you want it (or ever) it is defeating and deflating but there was the experience. Ahh that thing, experience (no squeaks for this. Heart ty does not enjoy now being back in my recessed corner).

I actually think I have the best team of man-cheerleaders on my side...They're all excited about a wedding that I'm convinced will happen because they say it will! But the best therapy for my heart was actually writing this....I know tons of women who are absolutely great and have remained open and been hanging on longer than that front tooth dangling on the last nerve before it finally...falls...out. I feel guilty sometimes for being in my feelings (because being single isn't the worst thing, heart toy lets out a deflated huff of air) but for me at that point singleness feels like a bid. Caught in a hailstorm of ratchetness, whackness, and shallowness...going in the opposite direction of everything else in your life. I feel like being a phone person makes me a dinosaur. I felt like not having the desire for casual sex puts me at a disadvantage (sometimes, most times I'm happy I dodged an added notch and bullshit stream of bullets - but still). 

I love myself and go on solo dates all the damn time but can I get an impromptu chill with someone I actually want to create combustible chemistry with (that buildup has so much potential to be too good)?? But even if it's hard to hold on to hope for all these reasons + being a Scorpio of the highest order and emotional by nature - I'm glad I got to experience some of what I've always said I wanted in some small way. For so long it was just an articulation but never seen in action - like a unicorn. Single-persona makes you forget how it feels to be held and paid attention to - it almost becomes like a mirage. You wind up watching The Notebook hoping that someone writes you an actual letter at least once a month or at least professes their love via a verbose text message that you will most-likely NEVER get (is it guy code not to exceed 3-lines of text message?); or maybe Brown Sugar waiting for that friend to mix all your old school favorites on a tape or burn you a CD and serenade their love to you in song lolol. (mild squeak: I know I'm not the only hopeless romantic left out here!) I swear RomComs are endorsed by Tinkerbell's love fairy sprinkling extra-sugary concocted visions of romance. But single-persona has a way of confounding hope, feelings, and expectation. Hell a lot of people in "relationships" have single-persona dancing all up in their shit - but I won't go into fraud. Single-persona will have you thinking you know what you're talking about in dating discussions when in reality you need to have a stadium full of seats (I make sure to disclaim my opinions as just that with my veteran single ass).

Holding on to hope was recently made harder though because I got a glimpse of it up close and personal. That's the closest it's been since about 2000-someolwayback. Holding on to hope was made heavier than an anvil because I have, in a lot of ways, just shut off that part of myself...I needed to just pray in church because I didn't want to feel anything, remember anything and I definitely took it there since it's a job for Jesus anyway. Hanging on to hope is made arduous in the context of simplicity too. The desire for connectivity is something that I love in any form but at the level above platonic/networking side - can't say I've had more than tumbleweeds passing through.

I'm sure I'll have it again - and I know I will have it again (claiming it!). Author note: at the time of publishing it appears said moment was frozen in time and nothing came of it - despite the low-lying hope that it would. Deep down I'm just a sucker for things I like and as an entrepreneur I'm used to figuring out what to do to get the results I want. But this realm is not just about me and even my ego has grown icy. People's schedules (I promise you're not busier than me), the "rules" (you know you can't keep reaching out cuz then you'll be the thirsty one!) and the nonprioritized, uncategorized, and undervalued lane of keeping special moments going with some sort of regularity has been lost in the age of short ass attention spans, egotism, and people-juggling... so I'll just keep going about my business. 

I'll be lighting some candles, praying to every saint of love I can Google, consulting with the team when I need a laugh and whatever else I have to do to keep my hope alive. As a classmate of mine noted: discussions on dating will be when I take my restroom/drank in my cup re-up/ and social media inspirational quote breaks.

I guess the glimpse of hope I got on this trip was a preview of the coming attractions for my love life? I'm hopeful it was...and I hope everyone can have a hopeful moment and experience some glimpse of what they want in authenticity...it feels GREEAAAATTTT and just as corny as Tony the Tiger - I promise (especially if there are witnesses and gushing of any sort occurs).  Sadness may be looming somewhere when the moment passes but sometimes a reminder of why you're hopeful, holding on and hanging on is good. I used to think feeling anything was bad - but feeling is good if you can learn from it. I know there were some insecurities that I acquired in this single history and I also am aware that single-persona can be a runaway train (thank you LAWD for girl-talk!). But if it can happen once and feel so amazing - even if for only a brief moment - then- it will surely happen again...and single-persona needs a little spot check every now and again especially since it wont be around forever.

Ann-E is Real, She Don't "Bug" Out

Even though a new year is upon us the n*ggas are still out chere running amok.and even though it happens to the best of us - the n*ggadom MUST be identified and made known as a shared experience.

The start of our story is where many of us have been left. I was a smitten kitten who had been snubbed. Normally this is where the story would end. Since I hadn't given up all the goods I could still walk away with yet another unresolved case of WTF-happened mind-fuckery even though I was hurt. As a smitten kitten, I went hard in the paint and based on the accompanying loin-stirrings that are very elusive to me in general - the method in which I got snubbed had me tighter than a virgin..and sadder than a virgin who loses it to a total asshole. 

"It happens to the best of us" is what my team consoled me with. "It's not you, you did nothing wrong." The one thing I did take solace in is that my team was actually proud of me in the male department (well kinda, but small strides!) I mean I did and have come a long way from actually not even putting n*ggas through the ringer for the sake of the short-term attention but damn. N*ggadom is cold and spares no feelings...especially those of the smitten & sensitive. As I prepared to just kick rocks and chalk it up after being all sad and shit - it hit me as I caught the only visual of the last time I was at ol n*gga's crib. This n*gga who from herein will be referred to as the SKK (smitten-kitten killer) had something that belonged to me.

Now I'm going to make this crystal clear - what he had was something that I plan on using for my nonprofit and it took me time to accumulate these things - over a year and lots of magazines. It wasn't some draws I could buy at Vicky's for $3.99 during the semi-annual sale, or some costume jewelry, or a pencil case, or some make-up. This stuff was in my Gilded Gold UPenn folder. The contents within were not about to take up an extra 20 hours of my life when the SKK couldn't part with 2 minutes of his own to text me back and actually make good on the 3 attempts I made in earnest to reclaim what was rightfully mine.The SKK know good and damn well he ain't and will never be a Quaker - and I take my Penn para to heart.  I wasn't charging my shit to the game. And anyone that knows me, knows I take my time & my business VERY serious. He actually quipped one time "I don't want no problems with Ms. Anne." But in the land of n*ggadom words hold little weight and showing your ass to nice people is how it does down. But I was still cordial in my attempts because that's just how I do.

I thought about the possible routes I could take. I just wanted my folder & its contents and surely I wanted it before the new year so this chapter could end. Since the SKK would never answer the phone - I mean just asking and dealing with his ass like a human being who has fingers and a vocal cord wouldn't work at this point. After being snubbed and not getting any responses to my text messages (which for the record is O-D disrespectful, my #1 pet peeve, and unwarranted) I had to go with the method that I knew would yield the result I needed just to get my shit. 

So all of the above (plus some other egregious n*ggadom that shall remain omitted) and my thought process in parenthesis is what led to this alleged "bugged the f*ck out" that the SKK thought he was accusing me of: (but really was guilty of).

Attempt #1: (a very SPECIFIC request for a nice and quick transaction) Hey, can you let me know a day and time when I can get my folder and I'll come and get that. Thanks. (via Facebook because n*gga I know you seen my message, so you can't bullsh*t you're way w/my stuff forever)

Response #1: "You can get it whenever you want" (the SKK happened to be a year younger than me and I shoulda known confound it! How you reply to something specific w/something vague - games :-/)

Attempt #2 (Part 1): okay I'm going to come today, Sunday at 7pm to pick it up (no n*gga I'm not coming after hours b/c I just want my stuff and I'll be out of your life) ~message seen at 10:42am

Me at 6pm via text (since now an appointment has been established we can revert to the method which yielded no response before) I'm on my way just running a little late (still being polite! Damn She's a nice girl!)

the SKK: "On your way where?....Yikes I'm on my way out of town"

Me (WTF?! Yousa a real n*gga so I'ma try this one more gain) Can you let me know a specific day and time to get this? (I used the word this time so his educated yet n*gga mind could compute) 

the SKK: "I'll ket you know when I'm back" (mind you there was a phone call that he never made good on making so I was already skeptical but would you trust a person like this to f*ck with the postal service on your behalf? Never mind my battles with mail ::rolls eyes::)

Attempt #3: the SKK hit me up, but I was on a date so I replied the following day bright and early with my nicely packaged focus on getting my stuff. The set up was made, the SKK hits me with the curve talking about he has plans and to come after work...I agree (eyes on the prize). It's 5 minutes to quitting time and the SKK is texting with the "pressure" about how he has to dip in 45 minutes.

(REALLY?! It took a lot after a non-answered phone call to just get a damn arrangement in place and a text with MY original plan to get my stuff Guess it sounded "better when he said it". :-/)

Later this evening arrives and the team is already aware that I'm getting my shit. You see the problem when n*ggas meet real is that they don't honor their word and my word is bond. I text before I showed up but since I got no response I went according to the plan. 

It was late - I'll admit that, but karma had it for me that the doors were open :-). So I went in said good evening to the SKK's boy, saw his lady friend's bag, knocked on his door twice, didn't look him in the face and asked for my stuff with my hand out. I bid them ado and left. No scene was caused, no one was checking to see who the SKK was smashing cuz I know I certainly don't care, no yelling ensued, but I did as was PLANNED - and the SKK didn't. 

As long as this post is, a fair amount has been omitted. All those attempts and for what? I have no idea. My logic is if the SKK was gonna snub, snub right and give me what was mine if getting me gone was the goal.  Or is control that hard to come by that you really have to do this with MY belongings and at the expense of a lot more wasting of MY time? You already got some new 'nani so it couldn't possibly be that. Apparently the SKK felt some type of way about it, since he thought he could come out of his face (like most n*ggas) and try to "tell me about myself" when I know he didn't know me well enough to even have a say. 

But because I know what it is, it happen way too often, and because it's important to be clear that I will not let anyone try to place their n*ggadom on me - let this account show that Ann-E is real and I don't "bug the f*ck out." 

Dear "Looking for My Michelle Obama"

 I was out with a guy friend several weeks ago and he mentioned to me (like several other guys I’ve seen say on Facebook, or say in passing) – “I need a Michelle Obama.” And to this day, I have to admit that it strikes a nerve for me for several different reasons.

After several interactions of the like and conversations with a diverse set of women - men have become some of the most complicated creatures walking these streets. “Why would you say this Anne?” you may be wondering or “Silly girl, men are simple!” you may say at this statement but to sum it up a LOT of guys fall into the following category:

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and waddles like a duck – it is…

A man! 

[And you were just a byproduct of the whimsical ways of his egotistical need to feel special and be cuddled.]

If it moves like a boat, sounds like a boat, and looks like a boat – it is

A marine vehicle that happens to be on the water at the time you are looking at it. 

[Because the “situation” calls for raising anchor at ANY time leaving you high & dry]

*situation as stated here, is inclusive of girlfriends, baby mamas, and still fresh love scars*

To speak to the duck analogy, too many guys (and the women who allow them to and accept the fakery) are extremely content with calling you everyday, seeing you frequently enough, and bedding you but NOT BEING THE BOYFRIEND. We’ve ALL experienced the “I’m not looking for a relationship – yet I act like that with you all the time, but can’t commit because I wanna have some slides on the side” phenomenon.

The boat analogy represents just how they get you – under the guise of technicalities. Since when was TIME reduced to a technicality?? Nowadays though as a woman – you genuinely can’t call it how you SEE it. Guys have mastered the art of not being held accountable for their actions since if they TELL you something else you should just go by what they SAY NOT what they DO!

But for ALL the men who CLAIM to be looking for their FLOTUS’ there are some seemingly known facts to us women that it may behoove you to learn so that you understand the gravity of what you’re SAYING. Especially since we women can’t go based off what you do right? And especially because I know PLENTY of strong, career-oriented women with standards – who are SINGLE and could rock plenty worlds IF that was TRULY what males were seeking. So, here are some facts.

1. When Barack met Michelle at Sidney Austin Law Firm, SHE was his SUPERIOR. Meaning she was his boss…and he’s been known to admit plenty of times that Michelle runs it in the house (“he doesn’t like to hang up his socks” << lol).

*MEN if you SAY you want a Michelle Obama please, and I mean PLEASE don’t get with/stay with a girl you KNOW isn’t running anything/doing anything major/serious with her life…in other words don’t expect a champagne miss on an Old E budget with your broad. Of course this is assuming YOU have set high standards for yourself and are professionally working on something great and WANT a badass lady holding you down…if you want the “Lay Down” woman that’s okay too – just truthfully acknowledge what you want.

2. Michelle refused Barack even a chance at getting at her and dismissed him in the “friend zone” at first. Everything he tried didn’t work, but he was PERSISTENT. It used to be that men liked the “thrill of the chase” and “the challenge”…in these times it’s exactly the opposite on appearance. Easy girls get the attention >the penis> and ultimately the package deal b/c it’s EASY.

*MEN if you SAY you want a Michelle Obama just be AWARE that you will HAVE TO WORK TO GET HER. Think about it, if I had a dollar for EVERY time a guy told me he “liked me” without any proof and went on to become a Houdini I would have at least a Ben Franklin in my wallet right now. Words aren’t enough b/c you guys say one thing and do another too much to be held simply at your word by any woman who has the privilege of having common sense. An educated, business-minded woman is definitely NOT just falling for the okey-doke and already has her wall in place. Don’t believe me: watch this brief video on the first couple’s firstdate.

 

3. Barack had to pass a few “standardized tests” to get in good. In this case I’m talking about the MAR test. Yes I’ve created this term because guys although you may not know this, educated women with standards have their ways of MEASURING your success and I call it the Manhood Achievement Ratio. Everyone’s MAR is different. Michelle has brothers and her father was able to set the MAR test based on Barack’s playing on the court with her brother.

But I can tell you that on most lady’s MARs the following is almost a given: OPENING doors (not just trying to hold the damn door AFTER I’ve already pulled it b/c you didn’t THINK you had to do that); the QUALITY of the first date (and if you paid); your testosterone-induced capabilities (the manly stuff) aka the sugar-in-the-tank-o-meter (less is DEFINITELY more!); and how you feel about/treat your mother/sisters/family. The MAR is a standardized way to tell where you’re at in the spectrum and Michelle was ready to dismiss if Barack didn’t pass muster. Check out Obama’s Test. 

*MEN is you SAY you want a Michelle Obama you WILL BE TESTED. I’m not saying you will have to sit down and fill in a bubble sheet, but just know that your actions are being scrutinized through that MAR filter of ours…Did you walk her home or to a safe locale after the date? Were you genuinely interested in HER or are you just trying to get the draws? Women like Michelle KNOW the difference and VERY quickly so I suggest if you’re used to acting like a duck and being a man you find some congruence in what you say and how you act because she’s watching.

Lastly, I think I have to sum all this up by saying there are a TON of educated, strong women out there who are very capable of loving and want to be a First Lady to a Leading Man. But where are these leading men?? I’ve had the pleasure of attending an Ivy League school and I know that there is a population of men who don’t want the type of woman Michelle is – she’s a BAWSE and she RUNS IT. But it isn’t like she doesn’t HOLD HIM DOWN. When you watch FLOTUS on Leno you see it (and there are countless examples out there).

Barack KNEW he WANTED that and he WENT AFTER IT. It’s so easy to say “I want this” or “I’m looking for that” and point to an example of what it is without WORKING FOR IT. Work is never painless and you have to know thyself to really demand certain things with authenticity. So to all those guys who SAY they want a Michelle. Are you a Barack???

An Addendum to Above: Quotes from POTUS About His First Lady

"It is important that when I'm home to make sure that I'm present and I still forget stuff. As Michelle likes to say, 'You are a good man, but you are still a man.' I leave my socks around. I'll hang my pants on the door. I leave newspapers laying around. But she lets me know when I'm not acting right. After 14 years, she's trained me reasonably well."

"What I realize as I get older is that Michelle is less concerned about me giving her flowers than she is that "I’m doing things that are hard for me -- carving out time. That to her is proof, evidence that I'm thinking about her. She appreciates the flowers, but to her romance is that I'm actually paying attention to things that she cares about, and time is always an important factor."

Source: Lynn Norment, Ebony, "The Hottest Couple in America", February 2007, pages 52-54

ac·count·abil·i·ty (noun \ə-ˌkau̇n-tə-ˈbi-lə-tē\)

I’d like to think that as many people as I hang out with and for all the stories I hear from them or their friends about the grand tumult that can be life – there are trends. Just like my past experiences helped me realize that social maturity was lacking in way too many grown ass people, these rough economic times have indeed made an indelible mark of the social fabric of our time.

What the fuck happened to ACCOUNTABILITY? Now if you notice I try hard not to use directly profane language on my blog b/c there’s usually some other euphemism that can go in its place. But I’m just about tired of this ol’ mess of a world we’re living in – and again GROWN ASS people NOT being able to do what being grown requires: ACTING GROWN. Now I get that expectations have had to be severely cut back – as in I have VERY FEW in people but I’m going to need more ADULTS to act like they got some dang sense. Like a LITTLE.

Now let’s define this word…this accountability of which I am about to speak

ac·count·abil·i·ty (noun \ə-ˌkau̇n-tə-ˈbi-lə-tē\)
An obligation or willingness to accept responsibility for one’s actions

Now let’s peel this word back by just one more layer and get to a simpler more relatable part of speech for those who aren’t into nouns and their overarching ways of not fully describing people at their most incompetent

ac·count·able  adj \ə-ˈkau̇n-tə-bəl\

Explicable; understandable

I don’t get for the life of me, why more and more people think that they don’t have to have some valid explanation (that is understandable) for the foolywang-ass behavior they exhibit after YOU have put your neck out on the line for them.

Now being the go hard that I am, I know that this is an area I don’t really have a problem with. Because of some old moral code written by mmm.. I don’t know…JESUS?! I actually treat other people how I want to be treated. But I also have no problem admitting when I’m wrong or when I have messed up.

But nah…there are too many people walking these streets acting like they don’t have to be accountable. I mean I’m a stickler for holding people accountable but many people aren’t as assertive or easily annoyed by the fact that this is becoming more prevalent with each passing day.And THEY SHOULD BE. All the stories I hear, the things I live through if more ppl just said something this feeling of BEING HAD wouldn't be AS prevalent.

Maybe the extreme heat is the cause. The temperatures could be frying all the decency-inducing brain cells people have. Maybe more people DON’T have simple moral ethical fibers than those who do. Or perhaps people just walk around not giving a fuck because they KNOW they can. In any case these are the top areas that I have observed this egregious problem from what word on the street and my own experiences.

#1. MONEY

Now you know this was going to be at the top. If you KNOW you OWE someone money DO NOT be caught: as in bragging on FB, TELLING YOUR LENDER your blowing money fast in the club, at the bar, at dinner. Times are HARD. If anyone is generous enough to lend you something be thankful, be appreciative.

If you don’t have it set up an arrangement. I’m not a bill collector but don’t MAKE ME CHASE YOU for what was MINE to begin with. Tell a sista/brother the situation. Give a date. Show good faith that I should BELIEVE you and not cut your trifling ass off. Think about it – how can you explain doing all the things you’re doing while your lender calculates the costs (usually EXCEEDING what was owed) of your gallivanting the damn streets?? Makes me want to get like Stewie with a crow-bar and a blow torch up in this bitch f’real..b/c while I’ve heard the saying “never out out what you’re not ready to lose” the onus is STILL on the borrower cuz trust don’t NOBODY’S credit card company, bank, cell phone provider or ANYONE OFFICIAL fi’n to hear dat shit. They’re cutting off service, suspending a card, withdrawing more fees. Act with some respect towards ppl trying to help you out and treat them with some sort of regard.

#2. WHAT YOU SAY

In my honest opinion you are NOTHING if you don’t keep your word. I’m not saying things don’t come up and schedules have to be changed. I’m not talking about that stuff. I’m talking about the people who say things like “I got you with that $$ tomorrow!”……..2 weeks have passed and you still haven’t heard nary a word from that same person. I pledged and although there are more than quite a few people who think I was/am crazy for doing so – one of the most important lessons I learned is that YOUR WORD is YOUR BOND.

I don’t need to “swear to God” or “swear on my dead relative” as others have to do b/c if I said I would be at something, unless I let you know otherwise, I WILL be there. And if I say something out my mouth you should be able to take me at my word. Period.

This accountability item also goes for people who talk shit. You see what I’ve learned is that if the Bible talks about a body part or organ in depth – it’s a VERY powerful thing. The tongue and mouth are windows into someone’s heart. It can destroy people (as we see with tabloids and press) or make people (as we see with tabloids and press). There are many hypocrites out in these streets, pachangas, and the like. So I’m going to use this moment to shed some light on the Good Book’s teachings about watching your mouth.

The tongue of the righteous is [as] choice silver: The heart of the wicked is little worth. ~Proverbs 10:20

And the tongue is a fire: the world of iniquity among our members is the tongue, which defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the wheel of nature, and is set on fire by hell.~ James 3:6

I could go on but don’t be surprised when certain go hards call you on your word, what you’ve said and how your actions have either matched up with that, or haven’t. Cuz it’s ridiculous how many ppl really can’t explain or justify what they’ve once said especially in negative regard with actual proof…The last true word on this: 

Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." ~Matthew 5:37

#3. YOUR ACTIONS

I am so sick of grown ass ppl making excuses for their altogether unexplainable/unfathomable actions. Now obviously this area is rife with examples I can spit off that will never really make sense like cheating on a decent significant other, pathological lying, and the like. I mean some things will not ever make logical sense to an educated person. But, what I’m getting at here though is more about being responsible for those things you KNOW YOU NEED TO DO – that in one way or another may require the assistance of another person/people. Because what happens in these cases is that TIME, one of the most undervalued and under-respected things - gets wasted and someone feels shafted.

If you KNOW someone is helping you do ANYTHING that requires effort on THEIR and YOUR part you better damn well get your ass PREPARED. How do you explain not being ready and making someone else late when they are picking you up to drive yo ass somewhere NICE? Trust when Blanquitos are involved in something nice you BETTER be there EARLY (read on time for CPT folks). You can’t. How do you explain not doing any work to prepare for a move yet your friend/fam/the Mexicans are at your doorstep READY TO GO? You can’t.

I was in DC recently and this African woman was HYSTERICAL I mean crying, yelling, sobbing cuz she missed her bus (since she wasn’t paying attention) to NYC for her 6pm flight to Morocco. Ladies and gents the bus she missed was 12 noon. WHAT FLIGHT WERE YOU CATCHING? Airlines don’t play this shit anymore with this whole gate closing/boarding over at LEAST 1 hour before. She wasn’t accountable for her part in running on CPT since getting to the city also meant she had to get a cab to JFK from there and STILL check in. As I told her “Ms. I understand you’re upset but you just need to call them now and let them know you’re not making it. You should have gone to NYC yesterday.” <--that btw was an example of an accountability check: simple, without malice, just the truth.com - yesterday would have you at the airport on time sis)

[Oh and one of my favorite accountability checks from the opposite sex: "I like you so much Anne" Really?? Or is just that I had my good bra on tonight and you saw something else you liked? Well when's the last time you actually dialed that number of mine that's in your phone? "Oh let me see if you have it..You DO!" --nothing like calling a spade a spade because invariably the phone call never comes through for all the "liking" guys profess to do in these streets...]

People love making excuses but when those excuses cost other people their time it shows that you, in your lack of justifiable reason don’t give a fuck. Plain. Simple. Or that you think the heavens will part for you and provide some miracle that defies al sense of traffic (like African Aunty), logic, and time. Everyone is “busy, tired, working, hustling” whatever you have to say everyone can lay claim to doing it. Truth is though not VERY many ppl do ALL THAT MUCH in a given day. Gimme a break. Although this is to be said about black ppl in general (don’t worry post is forthcoming on that) PLANNING is another VERY under-rated thing that if you don’t do it, says  A LOT about how YOU value other’s time.

So the next time you're out there wondering why no one will help you, lend you money, or deal with your trifling ass - sit down. Take a minute and think about how explainable or ac·count·able YOU WERE to the person you're looking to for assistance.

If you're on the other end, you too should sit down. And take a mental survey of the last time you held whoever is bothering you/annoying you/asking you for a favor  ac·count·able for the last thing(s) you did for them - cuz trust it's ALMOST NEVER a surprise to them (maybe from you) but it certainly isn't uncommon to do such a thing.