Eternally Single Part Deux

So I do this often and those that are close to me hate when I start my story in the middle....in my mind the connections always make sense but not vocalizing any of it until the part I feel is most important is where I fail in the conversational communications department.

I realized that I created an entire post on being single for 6 years now without giving any real preceding background as to how I ended up this way. So Family Feud Time (love that show & can murder the best of them on Wii)

If you've been single for a long time, what is the #1 most annoying question from a man?

……

C’mon guess

….Alright you can probably see it right underneath this line so I’ll tell you:

"Why are you single?"

I hate the idea that ppl think asking that shit is okay. It's almost like the answer should be some slick shit, like "I'm a crazy bitch who holds all men by the balls so they don't wanna be with me" because that would be the reason I would believe a bitch should be single, but alas, that is not I.

I got asked the question so much so that one day I decided on one of my many solo days of introspection to think about what a valid answer could be....so I reached in the recesses of my mind to think back to the last nigga I was “in like” with. And my being in like has multiple stages and variations. Having been alone for a minute it can range from

A school girl crush: the phone rings, you get a message tone and ::smile:: it's him...Yeah that molasses.sticky.sweet….shit.

A rational//irrational attachment to the qualities and similarities you make yourself believe to make this person likeable.

From my own personal Like Files this has run the gamut from –

“I like that he takes charge and is assertive like a man should be” to

“He’s from the East Coast and lives down here too”

to one of the most basic yet overused reasons

*“We had great conversation”

*(which I’ve learned as much as I talk - could happen with a brick wall)

So I thought back to the last crush I actually had and what I thought I had to do to get it to advance from the stages it was in.

So I did what every school girl does when she has a crush. I told my girlfriends I was really digging this dude and asked for help on how to keep him around. See in my history of male-relations I've become Shonuff at attracting the Houdini niggas. Everyone has encountered Houdini(s).

Houdini: a nigga (and for my Lesies a female DOES qualify) that has been communicating with you on a consistent basis using MORE THAN ONE form of communication over a span of time ranging from 3 weeks-2 months (under 3 weeks is charged to the game). You’re all in it, and while expecting hasn’t been something you’ve done the sheer aspect of routine from this bitchass has taken root in your mind. Everything is flowing and then……

Wait for it…..

**POOF**

Suddenly and without major, just cause this nigga disappears.

Off. The. Radar.

Somehow along the way I just ran the ring with Houdinis ::Who’s the mastuh??:: I had at one point a new Houdini when one fell off the map ::Shonuff!!:: It was a decent run and at the ironic thing about it was that it was winter. Now I don't know about TX but winter in NYC is the hardest time to even shack up with a quickie because men are using up all their CB time until the bitches with poom-poom shorts and fat booties come back out in the summer...

Anyhow because I knew my statistics with dudes, I asked my friends for advice so that I wasn't using my own counsel to proceed to fuck it up, as any honest woman can admit.

Now I don't know when the number was settled but 3 months was what we all agreed upon to be how long you have to hold out to get a crush to commit. Only problem was this dude lived in Maryland and I was in BK. I also already had my exit plan to TX by then so it seemed perfect that the universe made it this way right? I mean I was never one to be too sad because in my mind I just knew I was gonna get some regardless but I still tried to claim I wasn't...even when he said he was coming for one day....

Now I think I have to say that I am principled. Even when it comes to sex...that's why being single this long also becomes mind-boggling after a while. This nigga got on a bus and arrived in NYC at about 10pm only to turn around and go back at like 2 pm the next day. Now if I was a dude I would have made sure I got some if I was buying a ticket and doing all that sitting on a bus. So I felt it only right to let him have some. Shiiitttt I wasn't fronting so I gave it up.

Fast forward to my trip to DC, where I managed to get a quickie in a kitchen from said dude and then...Houdini happened. At this point in the game I've recognized the warning signs of Houdinism-in-the-making because they just stop responding...**POOF**

He disappeared...Like most of them do, and the key is without just cause.

Then I came to TX a short while thereafter. At this point I was just intrigued by this number of 3 months that we had decided would work to changing a nigga's mind and get him to up the ante. So I met OKC (he was from Oklahoma City so it seems a fitting name) on July 29th. I only remember because it was this triflin bitch's birthday [another one of my many TX adventures I can relay in some other post] and we went out.

It went how new nigga business always goes...we spoke on the phone damn near every day, and texted in between. I went to NYC and we still were in communication. The funny thing about Houdini's is that distance aint shit...they make it seem like they're in the lane when they probably have already planned the disappearing act the likes of..well…Houdini.

So it was September and we met up...now I knew the number was 3 but I'm not like most and so I pushed it down to 2. Having had all that communication (which honestly started to fall off a little bit anyhow) I – being the principled young lady that I am......did it.

Truth be told, I loathe wasting time probably as equally as I hate starting over. Seriously. 2 months can amount to a whole lot of shit talking about what "can" happen in the bedroom and shiiiitttt my minutes aren't for free so let's see if you could back it up..........

It.

Was………..

Bad.....that waiting (nd the act itself) just left much to be desired. And because he was my only spade in a hand full of clubs, hearts, and diamonds (and really I don't usually rate guys on their first try since it's unknown territory, bodies need acquainting, etc) I did the baseball adage of 3 strikes. The worst part though was that he tried to pull the Houdini on me full throttle. He was out. He was way fuckin out. When he tried to start up communication sporadically I made sure I told his ass his performance was not to my standards. Since I wasn’t guaranteed another opportunity I had to be forthright (again I’m principled).

I got a rare glimpse of this Houdini preparing for his act so... needless to say, I dismissed him (although I'm sure he'll tell his friends otherwise) in Houdini-had-to-be-gone fashion. I don't take kindly to bad bedroom performances (BBPs). My friend actually saw the texts, it was cold, but again I’m not into wasting time.

Then in my update of my favorite blog The Fooler Iniative, she confirmed what me and my girls have long known:

"What I’m not about, is some arbitrary timeline, we adhere ourselves to, with the ultimate goal of achieving some fictitious relationship ideal."

In the movie Inception they say that an idea is the most powerful thing. There is NO way of making anything come out of an idea that isn't there. Truer words were never spoken. Bitches get all types of ideas from niggas that they just run with and vice versa...but one thing I've found is that

NO man is going to WANT to be YOURS if HE DOESN'T WANT TO ::Shonuff!!::

Holding out wont plant the idea in his head...he'll just fuck the next bitch or his slide that he had and YOU too are not getting ANY (unless you have the glorious line up which has eluded me for quite some years).

Sex has destroyed the best ideas...just look what happened to Charlotte when she got engaged to her doctor man and found out the hard way that it wasn't working....I do not like surprises. And aint enough liking in the world that's gonna make me forgive BBP. Besides, truth is it's hard enough finding someone who can vibe with you on multiple levels. Some ppl are just a great adventure in bed....can't hold a conversation worth a damn, don't do shit with their time but you're convinced they come up with ways to make the next-time-you-have-a-meeting daydream @ work fantasy material...

It is what it is. I've come to accept that in my singledom.

To quote Fooler again: "Our thinking that there is a determined model of how things are supposed to be is not a product of empirical fact as much as it is a general rationalization of something we’ve grown accustomed to seeing."

You know someone who got wifed....not really wifey material but she did it. HOW?!! Everyone wants to know and she says among other things that she didn't put out right away. So now we all think holding out does the trick...see how that works? Never mind the fact that NO ONE asked shorty what her standards are for sex...she might be a dead fish and you listenin to her about having a man who 1. could be gay 2. can't fuck 3. is dumb as rocks or 4. all of the above smh.....getting caught out there...

So with Houdini's (hopefully out the loop) and non-self deprivation of the D in effect, the next time I get asked the most irritating question by some guy who undoubtedly wants to smash "Why are you single?" I will say what I've started saying:

"...Because I haven't met a guy with his lights on, that would consider me as his girlfriend" Knowing that if all else fails, I'm principled and that's a fall back that at least gets me through a month or so ;-)