My Obsession

“You’re a mom & pop/I’m a corporation/I’m the press conference/You a conversation/Oh ohhh oooo/Why you so obsessed with me”

~Mariah Carey, Obsessed

My obsession like the formation of any other obsession I suppose, started without my being aware of it. One minute I was a 20-something posting statuses on Facebook and dropping her name here and there…

my first status about Snooki read: “I just want to be Snooki.....if it was only that easy my life would be made. Like. Right. Now. *Le sigh this pedestrianism is so...............pedestrian”

My second status 2 months later: “I need to get a reality show..because Evelyn swears that "non-factor" is gonna pop off in urban lingo, Snooki knows as much (?) as my 13 year old cousin, and Emily let Fab tell her partying is "not motherly". Smh someone please sign me up...”

and then it became a subject that followed me around, even when I wasn’t seeking it out (#theworst)

It was New Year’s Eve and my only access to the world wide web was my phone. I read in my current events update that Snooki’s grand descent from a helicopter in Times Square would be cancelled because of the snowstorm. And while the pay amount wasn’t disclosed - I used my common sense to deduce that anyone coming from a significant height, in the cold, to greet millions of New Year’s revelers was getting a hefty check – cancellation or not.

Then there was the ENTIRE one hour segment about Snooki’s decorated life and rise from the ranks of a slender cheerleader/self-professed popular girl who people were mean to – to the glorious, stubby-chub size Guidette the world loves. Simply enlightening really… I felt like I used all of half a brain cell to follow the progression of this rags-to-riches story and formation of Snooki’s poof. I mean it virtually is its own persona.

Just a few weeks ago, I was suffering at the hands of another bout of insomnia when I decided to check the current events. As I glossed over the world of doom & gloom that is CNN’s newsfeed, I chanced upon a small blurb in the entertainment section that read: “Snooki to speak at Rutgers University.” Obsession now in full gear I clicked the article and continued to read – knowing that the story would 1. Inflame me so much I would go to sleep in a rage 2. Really put some fire under my ass 3. Debase the sensibilities of the many educated, talented women I know or 4. All three combined. I wasn’t incensed at the thought that she would talk to college students. As per the article – the students wanted to hear her speak… >:-/ Her advice for all the adoring {albeit asinine} fans “work haahd, but party haahdah.” That pearl of wisdom netted Snooki $32,000. More than acclaimed author Toni Morrison when she spoke at the school.

Snooki even came up in a discussion during one of my Americorps orientation sessions….it was a safe space to briefly share my obsession and agreement of the fact that, in a fucked up world where young folks are struggling to do well after drowning in debt, aging their hard earned youngin’ livers to alcohol (ok - I added that one) and studying whatever subject we thought would manifest itself into a job for (at minimum) 4 years it makes no sense that someone with a personable poof, no formative life experiences, and sans sick body could pay off a good chunk of what we probably never will.

All ado about nothing….what has she done? Now I know life isn’t fair – but shit this aint even about that. What do I NEED to do?! Snooki has a commercial, she’s appeared on a number of different television shows, serious and comedic. I mean everytime I hear some new paycheck-generating scheme involving her I feel an overwhelming sense of the FML (fuck my life) sentiment in the pit of my stomach.

Now this should not be mistaken for hateration. As I’m always reminded by one of my friends who is pro the American dream, we all make choices and I shouldn’t complain. I know I could be making a lot more money if I choose another career choice. What I like to remind my friend about though is the fact that with that choice I would probably be miserable because I would hate to do something I deem meaningless. It also would be even more meaningless if I wasn’t working in the field that I studies and is costing me a whopping $80K.

The source of my angst is that mediocrity has become the norm. I was voted “Most likely to have her own reality TV show” in the black yearbook at Penn and I guess enough people saw something genuinely interesting about me to deem me the recipient of such a lucrative career. Not that I think it’s too late, on the contrary that should be the come up I should chase so I can join the upper echelons of mediocre, boring, and banal personalities like Audrina, Lauren Conrad, the Real World cast members, and the slew of others who have turned their 15 minutes into million dollar revenue streams. But what about the ladies I know who busted their ass and tacked on the annoying Sallie Mae collection agents to wheel behind them into every bullshit job interview where they gas you up only to never call again about a job?

It just seems twisted that this is the world we live in. I guess when I have kids, I should push them to go on some show – somewhere to get a fat check out the deal…I know in a lot of ways I’m old school in my thought process. I would love to know that the fruits of my labor and ingenuity will set me free and propel me into “Ballin!” status. And trust I don’t need to be super rich. I don’t want a yacht, I don’t want to marry rich and just be relegated to a house wife (because I love to work), and I don’t even need to fly first class (unless I’m going on a flight that’s more than 5 hours). I just want to be able to pay off my loans, own my car, and work on my own schedule so that I can have mimosas when I please, cut some deals while doing it, and travel whenever the price is right without having to request the time off…

It’s apparent though that in order to get there, and get my many hustles off the ground in a major way I’m going to have to pitch some show to somebody about the crazy antics of That Damn Anne! Which would be the only way to cure the FML symptoms of angst I feel whenever talent is cast aside in favor of the most un-learned people I’ve come to meet through my television set.

And when I do have my own show, me and my girls will be on the come up since that’s just how I roll. I just hope they have their personalities set for those spin-off opportunities and growing business contacts because those seeds are already planted in that crazy head of mine ;-)