Introducing Project Pepper Anne

Remember that Disney cartoon Pepper Ann?? As an avid cartoon lover the theme song was one of my favorite parts but here's my little spin on that chorus:

"Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann marching on this debt parade/
Pepper Ann she's like one in a million!/
Pepper Ann Pepper Ann getting credits if she can-/
No one goes harder than Pepper Ann!"

This post is all about my alter ego who I've officially called Project Pepper Anne (b/c sometimes you gotta get hood) and how to fight for what’s rightfully yours by throwing some pepper into an otherwise stale situation…

Now it is common knowledge that I do not make a lot of money. But it boggles my mind when creditors, banks, and businesses believe that messing with my money is for some reason – acceptable. Now it is also common knowledge to those that are close to me that I don’t play that shit.

So I’ve devised a brief guide to get more ppl in on how to get what’s rightfully (or just what they want to be) theirs back.

If getting credits, fees, and cash refunded was an Olympic sport I would be at minimum a 4-time gold medalist, with a few silver and bronze medals to boot. But I can say this with no problem because the companies and banks of America have forced me to hone my HAM skills.

I have spent an exorbitant amount of daytime minutes (luckily they’ve been unlimited for a while), an extensive vocabulary, and exercised the most fine-tuned of diligence, persistence, and patience-with-a-limit. But before I tell you about the thorough alter ego I’ve affectionately named Project Pepper Anne (PPA) it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t provide some context.

The name ‘Anne’ is so plain, so calm and unassuming that I guess when people see it on paper they mistake me for a French blanco lady. I take no offense to this since I know my name is completely the opposite of my colorful personality. But this thought is probably an overestimation on my part because really everyone is reduced to two numbers in this world (especially to someone who answers the phone when you happen to call):

Your Social Security Number

And

Your Credit Score

So I guess from the onset these people don’t know who they’re really dealing with – nor do I in the beginning. Chances are though that the person who answers the call isn’t the person you need. I don’t come out the gate with PPA though. Because sometimes you’re not talking to the right person but they’ll happily get you to vent your frustration to the next highest pay grade.

At this critical point though is the 1^st step to winning your first customer service battle:

NEVER waste time and insults with the UNDERLING. They don’t even need the whole story – trust me you’ll have ample time to explain your issue to the person that counts, don’t waste your breath here.

(Actually this is Step 1 ½ ). Step 1 is: KNOW your issue as if it was a child you birthed AND have the right number. This is crucial because we all work and don’t want to be on the phone more than we really have to but holding is inevitable.

I like to Google corporate office numbers just to be sure when it comes to banks. For utility companies getting that number isn’t critical since you can still get to someone who has credit-yielding power. FYI PPA has not come out yet…but I utter these words:

“I NEED a manager. “ At this point PPA is making her way out, there’s some urgency in my tone, some levity to the next few words that follow the rebuttal you ALWAYS get:

“And what is this regarding? I am sure I can help” or some lame variation of “Let me try”

Now this is where you have to weigh the options you have – which is why KNOWING your issue is KEY.

If you are speaking with someone IN AMERICA they 1^st responder can’t help you – but they can understand what you need to happen and the weight behind it. Your gas/electric/car insurance company falls into this categories.

When National Grid (Brooklyn’s only gas provider) didn’t show up to turn my gas on after a few days because they had the wrong apt number I was too through. So knowing I was dealing with incompetence out the gate, I politely said when I got the rebuttal:

“I need to speak to a manager about the lack of competence at National Grid … because I still have no gas and there’s no reason for this.”

See I let the gravity sink in first so that the 1^st responder doesn’t even want to deal with me. And because I know my vocabulary is well beyond that of someone who in no means has my kind of education (I mean they got the apt number wrong and I had to suffer so elitism is on full throttle here) I had to lay it down layman’s terms. And my tone is thoroughly annoyed – Step 2.

Step 3: You MUST be passionate enough about being maligned, wronged, robbed, annoyed, just fed up or check all with whatever is prompting this demand. If you ‘re not upset or annoyed they’ll sense it and they’ll get over with “apologies” and things that DON’T equal monetary compensation. Sorry is nice but when I’m inconvenienced it WILL cost YOU. Especially when it’s YOUR fault.

Now if you are dealing with customer service off shores in India. Don’t mince your words at all. I mean these are people that call you and answer you talking about “A-ll-oo my name is Ree-bek-ah, how can I hulp you?”

C’mon son. Your name is NOT Ree-bek-ah! It’s probably Suresha or Vishnaya or whatever. Just keep it 100. I don’t even fake the nice. My response “Um yeah, I need a manager.” When they ask why “it’s about my account.” DONE . No need for intricacies or anything. Just verify the last 4 of your social and MOVE ON.

These scenarios are interchangeable since now-a-days no one wants to do their job but just giving you both. Use your best judgment. If it fails call back and start over (you’ll have ammo anyway..keep reading)

Now when you are finally speaking to the person who can get you want you want. You speak from your source of angst. NOT ignorantly but like an educated person who knows them BETTER than they know them. (Step 4 – actually one of the rules in the art of war: know your enemy). This knowledge can come in a few different ways.

· They messed up before with your money.

· They pissed you off before making the same mistake.

· It took way too long to get this taken care of (too many transfers, too long a wait)

· The company is full of idiots

· Loyalty and a good history

Check all, but you have to use a combo. Just pretend you’re making a meal out of McDonald’s Dollar Menu (or any other value menu that still exists). Pick and choose as long as you’re satisfied.

Now you will face resistance. This is where patience-with-a-limit comes in. You have to give it 3 tries somewhat calmly. PPA is already ready because I’m so annoyed my tone shows it. But Step 5 = FORTITUDE with an ATTITUDE.

Step 6: Regurgitate this is crucial because the ppl that work for these companies don’t know what they’re protecting. Half of the time it makes no sense to THEM. They get paid no more or less based on helping you out, just don’t forget to sprinkle some “this isn’t personal it’s just the principal” comments if they aren’t complete buffoons. (For those use a few "fucks" and "shit" sparingly)

If the person is not aware of the egregious error they’ve made you ask to speak to their manager. Most next high underlings will transfer you. If this person IS the “manager” then you start to go HAM PPA style. Here are some of the greatest lines I can remember telling people over the phone (and I’m not lying about these because I have no reason to – trust they paid me though).

*Also note how some of the steps have come to play.

“Let me tell YOU something, I bailed YOU out with MY TAX MONEY. These asinine policies are ridiculous! If I had $10,000 in the bank you wouldn’t think to do this to me…”

--I hung up that phone call unresolved but when I looked in my account 30 mins later I had that overdraft refunded (I had already had 2 courtesy refunds ;-)

“You have these people in India with access to MY SOCIAL SECURITY and then when they ask me some fraud questions that I ANSWER correctly MY account gets locked?! I couldn’t even UNDERSTAND what the guy was saying! This is why identity theft is so rampant…where do you get these damn questions from and why do they have that on a DIFFERENT CONTINENT?! I mean dealing with the language barrier AND these dumb questions, I’m not waiting 30 days to TRY AGAIN. So I’ll wait while you generate a new set of questions”

--They gave me another fraud test “even though we don’t normally do this” and my account was restored the next day…had to call corporate a few times to get her on the phone but it got taken care of.

“You guys fail to understand that when YOUR errors inconvenience me and demand time away from my day, my place of business, and my bank account YOU have to pay. Today. It took you no time to make that mistake. This is America, YOU pay for those, not me.”

“It is a RE-CE-SSION. I could do YOUR job in my sleep. There are countless people who would love to take your spot since getting simple information correct seems to be such a complex process.”

Now I’ve gone in on a few people and I like to throw in that it’s not personal because I don’t know them. But I do know my money, my time, and my work ethic and these people are not messing with those things. It takes me approximately 6.5 hours to make $25 (I kid you not VISTAs live at the poverty line).

I’ve become a pro at this but I’d like to think God is preparing me for the people who think that once I become wealthy they can steal my identity, or run off with my royalties, or whatever successes coming my way.

I just can’t afford to be a lay down bitch for NOBODY. More importantly – you ALWAYS have to stay UP on what’s yours because someone is ALWAYS trying to get OVER.

Hopefully you’ve all learned how to throw some pepper into these stale ass situations…Because everyone knows money is too hard to come by to just have to throw it away to these lames who have billions of it. These stale situations have stopped presenting themselves for me lately but I guess the universe knows - unless you want to dance with Project Pepper Anne I suggest you find the next lay down. Not me. Not today.

“…No one goes harder than Pepper Anne!”